


God only knows

by Katarin



Series: God Only Knows [1]
Category: Bandom, Bandom: Panic at the Disco
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Group Marriage, M/M, Multi, Polygamy, Relgious Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-22
Updated: 2010-08-22
Packaged: 2017-10-11 05:15:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 47,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/108808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katarin/pseuds/Katarin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jon Walker and his boywives, a Big Love AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	God only knows

"By virtue of the Holy Priesthood and by the power vested in me by the One True Prophet, I pronounce you, Jon Walker and you, Brendon Urie, husband and boywife in the eyes of our congregation and in the holy eyes of the Lord, our God," Elder Walker says, and behind them Brendon can hear his mother weeping with joy.

Most of the congregation came to watch the youngest son of Elder Walker seal himself to the youngest child of Elder Urie. Brendon's wearing his Sunday best and while Elder Walker speaks about their being sealed for eternity, Brendon looks up at his new husband. Jon's face is solemn, eyes cast down on their joined hands and his mouth in a tight line. Jon's first and second boywives are behind him and when he catches Spencer's eye, Spencer gives him a nod of encouragement.

Brendon and Jon exchange rings and Spencer then Ryan both hug him to welcome Brendon into their family Then Elder Walker is finished and Jon is leaning forward, stiffly, while he presses his mouth fleetingly against Brendon's.

"I present to you, Jon and Brendon Walker!" Elder Walker says, turning to their congregation with a grin and Brendon smiles at the crowd. He never expected this day to come and neither did anyone else. He's surrounded by his family, warm congratulations and back-patting all around. For just a second, he misses being the invisible one.

Jon slips away while Brendon's talking to his family. Brendon looks around, as circumspect as possible and when he finds him, Jon's standing with Spencer, Ryan and an outsider named Tom under a tree. Jon has a paper plate in his hand, laden with food and to a casual observer they probably look like the picture of cheerful wedding guests. Brendon isn't a casual observer, though. Over the last few years, his entire life has become about watching closely, paying careful attention to the moods of those around him.

Jon's smiling, nodding at every one who passes by to congratulate him but Brendon was there when Jon married Spencer and he knows there's a difference between the smile Jon had then and the smile he'd giving everyone now. There's something tight in his expression and he's turned away from Ryan and Spencer. The only person he's talking to is Tom. Ryan has his arms crossed in front of him, his head held high as he nods to the well-wishers who pass by.

There's distance between the three of them and Brendon can't help but think that it's all his fault. Not three days ago, they stood together at the funeral of Elder Ross and Brendon envied their closeness. He remembers watching their joined hands with nothing but longing. There's none of that now, though, and there's no one to blame but the sudden introduction of Brendon.

He's sitting with his family, head down while his mother talks about packing up his things, about his upcoming move to Utah. He closes his eyes for a second and wishes he wasn't sitting here, that he could be across the room by the Congregation's organ, playing by himself. Someone taps him on the shoulder and his eyes snap open.

It's Jon. He looks nervous, giving his tight smile to Brendon's family and motioning for him to stand up and follow him. "I have to go," Jon tells him, once they've turned the corner of the Meeting Hall and out of sight. Brendon doesn't see Ryan and Spencer, but he knows they must be close by because Jon isn't actually looking at him. "My boss called and I have to fly out tonight. There's a big project in Chicago that they need me for. It shouldn't be too long."

He's going away. They've been married for approximately twenty minutes and Jon's going away. "Brendon?" Jon asks, and when Brendon snaps his attention back to Jon, Jon's watching him. He looks contrite, biting his lip and shifting from foot to foot. "I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm… I'm sorry." This time, when Jon smiles, it's for real. He reaches out and squeezes Brendon's shoulder and Brendon feels heat spread through his body, all the way down to his toes.

Everything will be fine. Jon will go away and then he'll be back but in the mean time, Brendon has time to learn how to be everything Jon could ever want in a boywife. This is a blessing in disguise and Brendon should be thankful.

 

Jon's due back on a Saturday afternoon, two and a half weeks after he left. On one hand, that's awesome because it means they're going to have Jon back but in the other it's awful because Saturday is tomorrow and tomorrow isn't far enough away and Brendon is freaking out. Spencer makes tea in the morning and they work out a schedule for Jon's time and the daily chores. It's very civil and civilized but there's so much tension in the room, Brendon almost feels like he's suffocating.

Once they're finished, Spencer shuts his palm pilot, Ryan shuts his sidekick and Brendon half-heartedly plays with the cover of his Hello Kitty day planner and none of them get up to do the multitude of things they have planned. Ryan's second day of working at the library starts in less than an hour and it takes at least half an hour to get there.

It's mostly silent and unnervingly still and Brendon hates both of those things so he can't help but break out with, "but Jon doesn't even like me like that!" while pointing at the days he's marked in pink sharpie as his nights with Jon.

"Of course he does, Brendon" Spencer assures him.

"What are you talking about?" Ryan asks at nearly the exact same time. It's exactly the forced kind of reassurance that makes Brendon absolutely certain that Jon just agreed with his boywives in order to avoid disaster later on down the line. He's not here because Jon wanted him; he's here because Spencer and Ryan talked him into it.

It's not as if he hasn't suspected it since the moment Jon knocked on his parent's door and asked for his hand in marriage. Brendon wasn't in a position to say no, but now Jon's coming home and Brendon will have to assume his duties as a boywife. It's terrifying enough without adding the possibility that Jon won't even want him, so he decides not to think about it

One of Brendon's chores today is to do the grocery shopping. He gets the second car to do this (Ryan gets to drive Jon's car because Jon's away and second boywife trumps third) and for once he's very glad that his brothers insisted he learn to drive. It's not a far drive to the market and so it isn't long before he's trudging along with his shopping cart, making certain to get the kind of coffee Spencer's assured him Jon likes and the right ingredients for Ryan's amazing soup. It's his night to do dinner and he's making spaghetti. Everyone likes spaghetti plus Spencer loves his garlic bread, and Ryan must too, or he wouldn't go back for thirds.

Only when he's buying the garlic for it, he thinks that he'll have to be careful about eating something like that when it's one of his nights with Jon because he doesn't want to be furiously brushing his teeth over and over again while Jon waits for him. That's when it hits him that he's going to be having sex with Jon and all of Brendon's carefully repressed feelings of terror come crashing forward. He grips his cart and tries to remember to breathe. The market is no place to get hysterical.

 

He asks Spencer about it, that night while Brendon's cooking and Spencer's doing the household accounts and Ryan isn't home from the library yet. He doesn't really mean to, it just kind of slips out, one minute he's talking about maybe adding more tomatoes to the sauce and the next he's asking Spencer how sex works.

Spencer drops his pencil and looks up at him in surprise, "Your parents never said?" he asks and Brendon gets a little offended because he wasn't raised by wolves or anything.

"I was taught that it's my duty to lie with my husband, no matter what," Brendon tells him proudly and Spencer looks horrified and just shakes his head, repeating the word no over and over again.

Spencer sits him down at the kitchen table with a cup of tea and explains how it's supposed to feel good for both of them and if Brendon doesn't feel good, Jon's doing it wrong and he should say something about it. Brendon nods of course, because Spencer really sounds like he knows what he's talking about but Brendon can't imagine telling Jon he's doing something wrong, not after all Jon's done for him.

So Brendon asks Ryan about it later, after the dishes are clean and while Spencer's busy making last minute checks on Jon's flight information. They're sitting in Brendon's room, eating ice cream and listening to Ryan's Beatles albums. Apparently, Jon really loves the Beatles and he and Ryan will spend entire evenings listening to them when Jon's home.

Brendon's parents didn't believe in listening to anything but gospel music, Christian easy listening and the Bible on disc, so he's trying to catch up. He wants Jon to like him, he really, really wants Jon to like him.

"I'm just worried because, well, I don't know what to do and Jon already has two of you and it's not like he chose me and I'm sure I'm going to do something stupid like bite his lip when he kisses me or something." They'd only kissed the once, on their wedding day and that was in front of a clergyman and Brendon's family and he wasn't about to do anything more than something close mouthed and quick with that kind of crowd. Brendon was raised _properly_, he knows how to act in public.

Ryan sets his bowl aside and lays down next to him, rolling Brendon onto his side and closer to him. And Brendon's about to protest when Ryan tilts his face up and leans in, because this is something that only Jon is supposed to have. His parents and the Bible and the Prophet all told him that this kind of affection was only for his husband. But Ryan's mouth against his makes him forget all of that. Ryan's tongue in his mouth, his arm loose around Brendon's waist and the heat of his chest all along Brendon's front keep him from thinking at all.

And besides, he's married to Ryan too, right?

Ryan sleeps in Brendon's room that night and to Brendon's abject humiliation, he wakes up hard in the morning. He concentrates on relaxing, recites several passages from the book of Nephi and still, it won't go away. He blames Ryan, lying half on top of him, sleep-warm and smelling so good.

 

He feels Ryan start awake, loose limbs going ever so slightly taut with awareness. Ryan stretches a little and when his thigh brushes against him, Brendon gasps. He flushes bright red and tries to squirm away but Ryan just wraps those ridiculously long fingers around Brendon's arm, wordlessly asking him to wait.

"It's okay, Brendon, we're brotherwives, aren't we? You married me just as much as you married Jon." and it's true, he did, but this isn't right. Kissing is one thing, but this, touching and... it's wrong and if Ryan had been raised properly he'd know that. He knows about Ryan's family and he remembers Ryan when he was growing up.

He remembers the short sleeved shirts, tight and immodest and displaying Ryan's body to anyone and everyone who happened by. Ryan doesn't know better, his father didn't have near the conviction that Brendon's did and it's only natural that Ryan would be likewise weak of faith. That's where Brendon can help him. He can be strong enough to resist temptation for both of them.

"Ryan, don't," he says and just like that Ryan backs off, pulls away with nothing more than a quick kiss to Brendon's mouth before getting up to go back to his room. Brendon lays in bed for five more minutes, praying for forgiveness and strength. The warm spot next to him dissipates quickly though and Brendon wishes briefly that Ryan had stayed to pray with him.

 

Spencer gets to pick Jon up from the airport, because he's the official boywife that everyone knows about and it even says Spencer Walker on his driver's license. Brendon is fine with that, of course, and he doesn't think Ryan really cares but Spencer made certain to talk to both of them about how it didn't really mean anything. It was only because he's first boywife and that neither of them were any less important to him or Jon. It was a nice gesture but it also makes Brendon wonder if he's supposed to feel less important just because he can only call himself Brendon Walker in the privacy of their home.

He and Ryan are putting the final touches on dinner, Ryan stirring the soup and Brendon frosting the big chocolate cake he made. Ryan put on one of his Beatles records (something called The White Album which Ryan and Spencer assures him Jon loves) but neither of them are speaking. There's a nervous coil of energy at the base of Brendon's spine. He doesn't know why but it coils tighter at the sound of Jon's car pulling up into the driveway.

He hears Jon and Spencer walking up the sidewalk, both of them speaking in low voices and he and Ryan both freeze at the scratching sound of the key in the door. Spencer comes through first, clearly trying to tug one of Jon's bags away from him and Jon's following him, going along only enough to get Spencer's face close enough for a kiss. Brendon can see their tongues, shocking pink and wet and he blushes all over and looks back down at the cake.

"Oh, hello!" and that's Jon's voice and Jon clearing his throat.

"No one wants to hug Jon hello?" Spencer asks in that voice that isn't really a question and both Brendon and Ryan start moving at the same time to file out of the kitchen and into the foyer. He's nervous, so, so nervous and that's Brendon's excuse for not moving away from the counter before turning. His elbow catches the cake and within seconds it's nothing but frosting and crumbs on the floor.

He wants to cry, wants to apologize but he can't do much more than stand there, stupidly looking at the cake like it might magically come back together again. Then all at once he drops to his knees to start cleaning it up and starts apologizing. He can hear Ryan and Spencer making consoling noises at him, Spencer grabbing the broom and Ryan getting a dishrag. Brendon looks up when he sees Jon's knees, watches Jon crouch down through slightly wet eyes.

He picks up a piece that hasn't touched the floor, it has frosting and cake and some of the delicious strawberry filling that Brendon spent hours chopping and crushing strawberries for this afternoon and Jon pops the whole piece in his mouth. "Hey, that's really good, Brendon," he says with a smile and suddenly Brendon doesn't feel nearly as bad.

 

Jon loves Ryan's soup. According to Spencer, whenever it's cold out or work is particularly stressing, he'll call home and request it specifically. Brendon wants to have a specialty like that too, something that makes Jon smile big and wide and touch Brendon's wrist so carefully when he thanks him. Jon says a simple prayer before dinner, thanking the Lord for watching out for their family and seeing him home safely and also gives thanks for Ryan's job and for bringing Brendon to them. Brendon flushes at that, because it seems wrong that Jon thank the Lord for him when Spencer and Ryan were the ones to convince him but he's happy none the less.

Jon tells them about his trip and Brendon doubles over laughing when Jon tells a particularly funny story about one of the distribution plant managers and a singing telegram delivered by a man in a giant hippo costume. When he looks back up, Jon is watching him, head tilted to the side and a considering look on his face. Brendon meets his gaze, smiling up at him, a sudden attack of butterflies in his stomach, before he looks down at his plate again.

Jon and Spencer are holding hands under the table. Spencer tried to make Jon stop earlier and he pulls away every time he notices they're doing it but right now he's sipping his tea and watching Ryan and Jon, not paying attention to his own hands at all. Jon and Ryan are talking about the Beatles again, debating the merits of one album over another and Brendon can tell from the bored, indulgent look on Spencer's face that it's an old argument.

It hits Brendon then, how new he is to this. Spencer and Jon were married long enough to hold hands out of habit and though Spencer's clearly trying to break himself of it (probably for his and Ryan's sake), it's entirely unconscious. When Brendon manages to sneak a peek under the table their hands look completely natural joined like that. Jon and Ryan also have things that are theirs, old arguments and a shared record collection. He feels very left out all of a sudden, like he'll never fit in properly here and his face burns with how ashamed he is of himself for such a selfish thought. Jon saved him. He married him after his reputation was ruined and the only man who still wanted him was three times his age and known for cruelty and here he is feeling sorry for himself.

"I was thinking about ice cream?" he pipes up, forcing a smile and standing. "The cake's a goner but that's no reason not to have dessert right?" The others all nod and only Spencer looks at him twice for it.

"Let me help you, Brendon," he says, pulling his hand out of Jon's and standing as well. Brendon flushes even more, like his selfish thoughts are written across his face and Spencer can read them and wants to give him a stern talking to. First boywife can hit the others, he's seen it, knows it happens and he doesn't think Spencer would do that but for just a second he's worried.

"I wish you'd stop being so nervous," Spencer says once they're in the kitchen. He rests his hand on Brendon's shoulder and Brendon rests with his forehead against the refrigerator for just a second, welcoming it.

"I think we're all a little nervous tonight," Brendon answers and pulls away to open the freezer. He sets the ice cream on the counter and opens it before turning to grab bowls and spoons. "But Jon's home now and things can get back to normal, right?"

Spencer steps into his space then, putting his arms around Brendon's waist and leaning in to kiss Brendon's forehead. "He does like you Brendon. I won't lie to you because it's obvious you found out about- but he likes you, I can tell. He's really wonderful Brendon, you don't even know. In a month or so, you won't know why you were ever nervous about him."

Brendon wants to ask why Spencer's so nervous then, but it's rude and he was raised better. It doesn't matter if he likes Jon, only that Jon likes him, that he isn't a burden to any of them and that he pulls his weight around their household. He nods his head, because Spencer wants him to and making the first boywife happy is almost as important as making his husband happy.

Spencer kisses him then, presses their mouths together, closed-mouthed but soft and Brendon's kind of glad the counter is right behind him so he has no chance of falling over. "Let's get this out there before it melts," Spencer says once he pulls away and Brendon can only nod again.

 

The first night is Spencer's night, which is only right, seeing as Spencer is first. He and Ryan send them both up to bed early, telling Spencer not to be silly about the dishes because it's Jon's first night back. _Harmony in the household is of the utmost importance_, his mother had told him once and Brendon knew that doing favors for his brotherwives would pay off in the long run.

He has trouble getting to sleep that night. It's not that Spencer and Jon are loud; Spencer's too considerate for that and so is Jon. But it's not a terribly large house and Brendon shares a wall with Spencer on one side.

It's little things, the creak of the bed, quiet flesh on flesh noises he could almost convince himself are the creations of his own shameful imagination if only they weren't occasionally followed by low, whispering groans of Spencer or Jon's name. Brendon can feel himself hardening in his pajama bottoms and prays silently until he finally falls into sleep.

 

Ryan calls from the library the next afternoon somewhat frantic because there is apparently some sort of cataloging emergency and he has to stay late and doesn't know when he'll be home. He offers to let Brendon ride Ryan's bike to the library and exchange it for the second car in case they need it but it's not necessary. Jon has the day off so they already have one car if they need to drive anywhere. Besides, none of them like the idea of Ryan coming home at who knows what time on his bicycle.

He and Brendon also have a private conversation because this means Ryan's night with Jon will have to be switched and so will the evening chores. Brendon highlights today in his Hello Kitty day planner and crosses out tomorrow, jotting down notes about which chores they're switching out and which ones Spencer will take. Brendon doesn't notice how much his palms are sweating until he lifts his hand from the list he's making and smears half of it across his palm.

The rest of the conversation goes by in a flash and Spencer picks up the other line to add a few thoughts and get his chores squared away and all Brendon can think about is that tonight is his night.

His night with Jon.

He's not going to be a virgin anymore.

 

He brings Jon some water later, when the sun is just beginning to go down. Jon wipes sweat off his brow and sets down his shovel. Brendon knows Spencer had said something about the garden earlier, given Jon a stern look that had Jon turning off the game and heading upstairs for his work clothes. He's been at it all day, digging holes for something, fruit trees or rose bushes and Brendon wishes he'd paid closer attention so he'd have something to say now. Anything to say or do that isn't watching Jon's throat work while he swallows.

Jon's dirty and sweaty and neither of those things should be making Brendon feel so strange in his stomach; fluttery and tense like he's about to speak in public or sit still for church, but it does. His throat goes dry. He's going to lie with Jon tonight, like he was supposed to be doing from the beginning. It's so terrifying and wonderful that Brendon feels like dancing and throwing up at the same time.

"Are you okay, Brendon?" Jon asks him and it's clear from his tone it's maybe not the first time he's asked. There's concern in his eyes and his hand is resting on Brendon's elbow. He blinks at Jon, swallowing hard before looking down at the ground.

"Ryan's stuck late at the library, so we switched," he tells his shoes and Jon lets go for a second. His face burns at that and for a horrified moment he contemplates what he'll do if Jon doesn't want him like that, refuses his bed completely.

"Thanks for letting me know," is what Jon says, resting his hand back on Brendon's elbow. He can feel the pulse in Jon's thumb even through his long sleeved shirt. It feels like Jon might be as nervous as Brendon. Then Jon is leaning forward, brushing his mouth against Brendon's cheek and all Brendon can see is Jon's face. All he can smell is clean sweat and Jon's deodorant and if he pressed forward he could taste Jon's skin. "I'll see you tonight then." Jon whispers and it takes everything for Brendon to nod and back away, heading back for the house and his chores.

 

Spencer makes chicken for dinner and Brendon feels awful for how scattered and spacey he is. Jon and Spencer try to include him in the conversation, asking what color roses he thinks they should put in the garden and if they should try growing their own vegetables. Brendon manages to say something about pink roses being prettiest and really liking carrots before he puts his elbow in the butter dish.

This wouldn't be a disaster if he hadn't been in such a rush to wipe it off that he turns his plate over in his lap, spilling peas and mashed potatoes everywhere. It's the second time in two days he's spilled food in front of Jon and if he wasn't entirely certain he'd start throwing up if he did it, he'd be crying right now.

Instead he kneels down by his chair and starts picking up the mess. Spencer takes pity on him, rubs his back soothingly and tells him to go up to his room and take a shower, change into clean pajamas. He presses a kiss to Brendon's temple afterward, whispers low enough that Jon won't hear, "You don't have to, no one is going to pressure you." Brendon cuts him off with a furious shake of his head, he has a duty to perform; he knows what he has to do.

He goes upstairs and peels off his shirt, undershirt, slacks and underwear, turning on the water in his bathroom as hot as he can stand. Brendon likes baths, prefers bubble baths to almost anything else but he thinks it's pretty important he gets extra clean tonight, so a shower it is. He scrubs himself all over and takes extra time shaving, making certain not to nick himself but also to get it as close as possible. He doesn't know why he's bothering. Jon clearly doesn't have any problem with kissing Spencer and Spencer has a full beard. It's really unlikely he'll mind a bit stubble but Brendon wants to do a little something extra. It's a special night.

He wraps a towel around himself and steps out, rubbing the corner of the towel over his hair. Jon's sitting on his bed in his pajamas when he opens the door from his bathroom. For a second, Brendon wants to shout and cover up more. He has to remind himself that it's okay now, that Jon can see him like this.

"Did you want me to turn around so you could dress?" Jon asks and Brendon just shakes his head and smiles shyly up at Jon. He reaches down to undo the knot he's tied the towel in to hold it up like this and Jon shakes his head, holding up one hand for him to stop.

Brendon bites his lip and folds his hands in front of him, willing himself not to react. He's never seen a husband reject one of his boywives but he knows it's embarrassing, knows how ashamed his family would be if they found out.

"Come sit down," Jon tells him, patting the space beside him and Brendon kind of does want to put his pajamas on now. The problem with that, however, is that he can't imagine sitting in front of Jon when Jon tells him he won't be spending any of his nights with Brendon while wearing his Dora the Explorer sleep pants would be any better.

"Brendon," and now Jon takes his hand, threads their fingers together. "I know you were probably raised to think that you owe me something right now. I understand that. I was raised that way too, but just because we were raised to think that, doesn't mean it isn't wrong. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I'm, you're trying to tell me you don't want me like this, right?" He hadn't thought think he could say it, not out loud but he did and maybe they could keep it a secret. They don't have to tell anyone, not even Ryan and Spencer. No one has to know that Jon didn't want him, that Brendon's husband refused to lie with him. "We don't have to tell anyone right? My family and... no one has to know?"

Jon reaches out, cupping his cheek and turning Brendon to face him. "Hey, it's not like that, Brendon, trust me. You're nice and I like you and I'm very attracted to you, I just don't want to take advantage of this. You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

"But I want to lie with you," and he can't believe he's saying that. His mother told him eagerness wasn't a bedroom virtue to cultivate and that his husband would respond much better to casual interest because it wouldn't be nearly as worrisome.

He flushes, hot all over and Jon laughs, leaning forward to press his mouth against Brendon's. He knows how to do this, Ryan taught him, so he parts his lips and slides his tongue along Jon's. "Are you sure, Brendon? It's fine if we wait" and Brendon might give himself whiplash he's shaking his head so quickly. He pulls Jon closer and finds himself oddly pleased when Jon laughs into his mouth.

Jon reaches down to pull his towel away and Brendon spreads his legs like he knows he's supposed to, pulling Jon even closer until Jon's on top of him. Jon pulls away then, looking down Brendon's body and Brendon's proud of himself for not covering up, for letting Jon look all he wants. He's already hard, but this time he's allowed to be; there's nothing shameful about wanting his husband like this.

"You're really beautiful," Jon whispers against his ear. Jon's stubble sliding against his cheek makes Brendon shiver almost as much as the words. Jon's runs his fingers down Brendon's chest and over his stomach before running softly over Brendon's cock. He jolts, he can't help it, it's unfamiliar and so good and he bites his lip to keep from calling something out.

"Hey, Brendon, it's okay, it'll be just like when you do it, only better." and Brendon looks up at him, confused for a second before he gets it, eyes going wide.

"I've never done this before," he says, trying to keep the shortness out of his tone. He's not that kind of boy, his parents raised him properly.

"What, never?" and Jon sounds so skeptical that Brendon's stomach churns.

"It wasn't true, Jon," and he's trying to keep the desperation out of his voice but Jon has to know he's not like that, not tainted. "No matter anyone said, it wasn't true. I never did anything, he was just a friend, Jon and I know I shouldn't have been alone with him unchaperoned but he had a piano and a guitar. We used to play music together, church hymnals I knew, that's all. Jon, I swear."

He's shaking now, can't help it but he knows what Jon had to have heard. He knows what everyone was saying about him, about all the afternoons he spent behind closed doors with one of the boys in town. He knows how the entire congregation used to speculate and gossip about how he'd clearly sinned. Jon must know that's why no one wanted to marry him.

Jon married him anyway and he's so grateful for that, even if it was mostly Ryan and Spencer but it isn't true, he saved himself, he did. He never would have done _that_ with someone who wasn't his husband.

Jon just runs his hand down his side, calm, soothing strokes of his palm and fingertips. "You play piano?" is what he says and Brendon feels several hundred pounds lighter. Jon believes him. Jon doesn't think he's done something wrong. He puts his arms around Jon and hugs him tight.

Jon drops down on top of him, his arms on either side of Brendon and kisses him again. Jon's mouth is soft and sweet against his but Brendon wants to touch him; wants to know what Jon's skin feels like. He runs his hands down Jon's back, sliding beneath his pajama top, pressing his palm flat against warm skin. Maybe it's a cue for Jon because Jon pulls away then and lifts his shirt up and over his head.

And it's okay for Brendon to look, to let his eyes roam over Jon's chest and reach out to touch Jon's stomach. This is his husband and he's supposed to want to touch him, that's as God intended. "I... you're...-" he flushes, cutting himself off because he's unsure what to say. Jon already called him beautiful and he doesn't know if it's appropriate to call a husband beautiful or gorgeous.

"Thanks," Jon says anyway and there's a huff of laughter mixed in with it. Brendon likes that even more. "You can say anything you want, by the way. Spencer used to tell me how much he liked my little belly back when I was doughy in college."

Brendon nods, though he can't imagine saying something like that. Maybe it's because Spencer married Jon at a decent age that made him feel more at ease teasing him. Brendon's almost twenty one though and he spent the last few years thinking he'd never marry. He can't imagine saying anything so bold. "You have really pretty eyes, Jon Walker," he tells him and that makes Jon smile again before leaning down to kiss him.

"You have very pretty eyes too, Brendon Walker," and just hearing Jon say it makes Brendon shiver with happiness. Walker, he's a Walker and he's Jon's and this is really happening.

He tightens his arms around Jon and kisses him again. This time Jon sucks his tongue into his mouth, making a pleased sound when Brendon slides his tongue against Jon's. "You can do it now," Brendon tells him once their mouths have parted. "I'm ready."

Jon just smiles and leans in to kiss Brendon's jaw. "Not tonight, Brendon, maybe some other time, but definitely not tonight." and Brendon tries not to be disappointed at that. He'd psyched himself up for it and he really is okay with it, more than okay and if Jon would just do it, he'd see how okay Brendon is.

"Hey," Jon tilts his face up to look at him. "It's not that, Brendon, we'll do that, everything and anything you want, I promise. But-" Jon pauses, clearly trying to think of a way to explain it that Brendon will understand. "When you first learned to play the piano, you didn't jump into playing full hymnals first thing, right? You learned notes and how to hold your hands and the basics right?" Brendon nods, not entirely sure what the piano has to do with this but willing to go along with Jon's metaphor. "I want us to get the basics down first, Brendon, I want to make this really good for you." There's something sad in Jon's voice when he says it so Brendon nods, willing to let Jon do anything so long as he'll smile again.

He leans in to kiss Brendon again, mouth soft against Brendon's for just a moment before he breaks it off and trails his mouth down across Brendon's jaw. He keeps going then, leaving sucking kisses against his throat and collarbone, pressing his tongue flat against Brendon's nipples. He's not sure what Jon's planning on doing until he starts moving down his body, small movements until he's sliding down, belly and chest rubbing against Brendon's cock and making him moan.

"Jon?" he has no idea what he's asking, only that he doesn't know what to do but Jon kisses his hip, bites softly at the skin there before moving down to the crease of Brendon's thigh. Jon's stubble slides whisper soft against Brendon's cock and it makes Brendon shiver all over.

"It's okay, Brendon," Jon tells him and Brendon can feel Jon's breath against his dick and it just makes him harder. No one ever told him about this and when he looks down Jon's mouth is closing over the head of Brendon's cock. He lets out a little satisfied moan that Brendon can feel everywhere. It's so, wet and warm and good and it gets even better when Jon slides his tongue along the underside.

He's never felt like this before, it feels amazing and wonderful and there's a coil of pleasure in his stomach that's just getting tighter and tighter any time Jon does anything. Then Jon takes him a little deeper, sucking lightly and Brendon goes tense all over, eyes shutting tightly while he comes. He's shaking and embarrassed because he knows that was too soon. He wants to apologize but his body feels so heavy and his tongue feels stupid in his mouth.

Jon crawls up his body though, mouth bruised and wet but grinning wide when he leans in to kiss him again. That weird, salty taste in Jon's mouth is him, they really did this and Brendon reaches out blindly for Jon, grabbing hold of his hip and holding tight.

"Brendon, Brendon," Jon's whispering against his mouth, rolling his hips against Brendon's stomach and somehow Jon's pushed his pajama bottoms down enough to get his cock out, is rubbing himself against Brendon and Brendon wants to help but he doesn't know what to do.

"Let me... Jon please let me. I don't know-" and Jon takes Brendon's hand and drags it down, wrapping Brendon's fingers around Jon. He squeezes Brendon's hand and Brendon tightens his fingers into a fist, smiling wide when Jon gives him a little moan. Jon drags his hand up and then down, twisting at the end in a way that makes Jon hips start forward and Brendon wants to do that on his own, make Jon respond like that just for him.

He watches Jon's cock between his fingers, looking up every so often at Jon's face to make certain he's getting it right. Jon's biting his lip, thrusting his hips forward in counterpoint to the rhythm of Brendon's hand. There's a tension in him that Brendon thinks might mean he's close. He's certain of it when Jon's hips stutter up against Brendon's hand. Then he's spilling across Brendon's belly and chest.

Brendon looks down at himself, a little shocked at the mess before looking back up at Jon. He grins and Jon grins back, dropping down on top of him to kiss him. Jon cleans Brendon up with his discarded pajama top before pulling Brendon against his chest.

"Night, Brendon," Jon says around a yawn. Brendon snuggles happily against him, listening to the even rhythm of his breathing with a soft smile. He thinks he could really learn to love Jon.

 

Ryan has the day off the next day and sleeps in. Brendon has no idea what time he got home but judging by how late Ryan sleeps, he's guessing it was pretty late. Brendon hands him a cup of coffee when he stumbles into the kitchen in the early afternoon, hair in disarray and scratching his stomach.

He's wearing an old BYU t-shirt that's probably Jon's, worn thin from washing, the lettering faded with age. It's short sleeved and tighter than anything Brendon's ever owned. Brendon can't look away from the sliver of skin that flashes between the waistband of Ryan's sweatpants and his shirt when he reaches up in the cupboard for a cereal bowl.

Once Ryan's seated, Spencer walks by with his own cup of coffee and the cereal Ryan likes best, something sugary-sweet with a cartoon of a leprechaun on the front. Spencer presses a kiss to Ryan's cheek and Ryan turns his face into it. Their lips meet in a kiss that's so soft and so familiar it makes Brendon's face heat and he looks away.

"So I was hoping to get started on planting the roses today," Spencer says, sipping his coffee and opening up his organizer. "But Jon's car needs an oil change and I might as well switch out the brake pads while I'm at it, they're sounding a little off." It strikes him as strange. That sort of thing is the work of a husband, the man of the house, not his boywives.

"Shouldn't Jon-" Brendon begins and cuts himself off when Spencer and Ryan double over laughing. He shuts his mouth and tries very hard not to pout.

"I'm sorry, Brendon, I'm sorry," Spencer gasps out, clearly making an effort to stop laughing. Ryan is doing no such thing however, and is in serious danger of spilling his cereal all over the table and himself. Brendon isn't going to feel even a bit sorry for him when he does and even if he helps clean it up, it will be for Spencer and Jon's sake, not Ryan's.

"Jon Walker!" Ryan finally wheezes out. "Jon Walker and car repair! Oh Brendon, I might as well do it if we're going to let Jon go near the moving bits inside a car."

Brendon thinks he might be getting it now. "Jon's not very good with cars?" he asks innocently and Ryan cracks up again. Spencer gives him a dirty look, though it's clear he's working very hard at not laughing too.

"Really not, Brendon, not even a little bit," he tells him, setting his hand on top of Brendon's. "Everyone has their talents and anything to do with the cars that doesn't involve driving, washing or filling them with gas is most emphatically not Jon's talent."

"Lucky for Jon, he married Spencer and Spence has all kinds of skills with basic automotive repair," Ryan adds, now that he's finally stopped laughing. "That means you have to help me buy roses and vegetables at the store. Jon's got some kind of project he's doing in the house and I don't want to go alone. Besides, I'll bet you have great taste." Ryan gives him a smile then and Brendon can't help but nod. It'll be nice really, an entire afternoon out with Ryan, buying plants and potting plants and just being outside. Ryan could use more sun.

 

Shopping with Ryan is awful. Seriously awful. More awful than that one time he and his older brothers went to the general store in town and two of the townie boys shoved Brendon to the ground in the candy aisle and said something about Brendon that made all of his older brothers get taken to the sheriff's station after they beat the townie boys bloody.

It shouldn't be a problem really, it's just a few plants and they're at Jon's store, one of the chains he's the regional manager for that they've all shopped at multiple times. It isn't at first. The two of them wander around the gardening department, looking at flowers for almost an hour before deciding on some pink and yellow roses and moving on to the vegetables. Brendon wants carrots and won't let it go. He and Ryan end up debating the merits of bothering with corn or just starting a simple herb garden when they find the tomato plants that are guaranteed to grow at least 90 lbs. of tomatoes in a season. It sounds like a total bargain because Brendon can think of a couple hundred uses for all of those tomatoes and Ryan just nods along.

It's nice. He kind of wishes Ryan had worn longer sleeves and maybe a vest that wasn't so tight. It feels strange to catch men and women glancing at Ryan's forearms, staring at the long line of his back. Brendon wants to go back to the car and grab his hoodie, make Ryan wear it even if Ryan does complain about lavender not matching his outfit. He doesn't. He just smiles pleasantly and reminds himself that Jon doesn't have a problem with it so neither should he.

Then they go to pay and Ryan hands over their family discount card and the cash to pay for the plants. The woman at the checkout gives them both a look and Ryan gives her a pleasant smile from behind his giant sunglasses.

"I'm sorry sir, but there seems to be a mistake," the woman says and Ryan's expression doesn't change but Brendon knows he's confused. "You gave me Mr. Walker's card and I know for a fact you aren't Mr. Walker. The family employee discount is for employees and their families only. Can I ask how you got hold of this?"

And of course they know who is or isn't the boss's boywife, _official boywife_, at least. Brendon's stomach goes cold with worry all of a sudden, hoping and praying that Jon won't get caught because of this, that the police won't come for him because he and Ryan were stupid.

"My brother's stuck at home all day and wanted me to pick up some plants for him. He gave me the card and I thought it would be fine. I should have asked him. We'll pay full price, it's no problem," and Brendon should maybe be a little worried at how convincing a liar Ryan is, but the girl isn't buying it. She asks for Ryan's license and of course Ryan's maiden name is on it.

"I'm sorry Mr. Ross," store security says to them. "But could you and your companion please come with me?"

Sitting in the security office with their prickly rose bushes and tomato plants with their bright lettering across the front promising miracle growing tomatoes, Brendon kind of wishes he dressed more like Ryan. Ryan may be immodest and people who aren't his husband may stare at his body and desire him, but at least he's not a dead giveaway on just what he is. Brendon knows what his long sleeved, collared shirts and plain slacks say about him. He might as well be wearing a sign '_I'm a polygamist, ask me how!_' Jon's going to go to jail all because of him. Brendon feels tears prick at the corners of his eyes so he looks down, trying to will them away.

"Mr. Ross?" the security guard says and when Brendon looks up Spencer is standing with his arms crossed in the doorway. There's grease across the front of his shirt and his forehead is creased with worry. "Mr. Walker explained everything and we'd like to extend out apologies." Brendon lets out a sigh of relief and wipes at his eyes.

Spencer comes over to them and hands Brendon a handkerchief, resting his hand on the back of Brendon's neck. He and Ryan are watching each other, having one of those silent conversations full of significant glances and raised eyebrows that drive Brendon crazy. Then Ryan smiles and looks away and Spencer glances at the plants, reading what it is they got. He blinks when he gets to the tomato plants.

"That's a fuckload of tomatoes," he says and even though Brendon is a bit scandalized by the language, he can't help but laugh.

 

Spencer takes them out for coffee afterward and he and Ryan order cold, foamy coffees and Brendon orders an herbal tea. He almost wants to order a coffee, wants to be like Ryan and Spencer but something holds him back. They sit outside and Spencer rolls his sleeves up, laughing at something Ryan says. The tension from earlier is gone and Brendon wants desperately to fall into it, to be able to sit with them and drink coffee and roll his sleeves up like he belongs. He wonders if this is how Jon felt, before Brendon came, always on the outside of a friendship that's lasted most of their lives.

They get home just as Tom, Jon's best friend and the only person at his work who knows about the three of them, is leaving. Brendon's met Tom a few times. He'd been at their wedding and he'd dropped by once or twice while Jon was away to make sure they didn't need anything. He and Spencer get along best, possibly because Tom knew Spencer from back when they were all in college together and before his best friend was engaging in polygamy. Brendon's not certain that's why Tom doesn't talk to him and Ryan much, but it seems pretty likely.

"So Jon's secret project involved you?" Spencer asks him, leaning up against the driver's side door of Tom's truck. "Please tell me the house isn't a disaster."

"I'm fucking wounded," Tom answers back and Brendon can see sweat darkening the hair at his temples and around the collar of his shirt. "See if I ever come over to help do heavy lifting again." Spencer smiles at that and leans forward to punch Tom in the arm before turning away.

They all wave at him while he drives off and Ryan's the first one to say, "Heavy lifting?" before they're all clamoring inside. Jon's waiting in the living room, with a huge smile on his face and sitting on a bench in front of an upright piano. Jon's looking right at him, watching his face and Brendon's completely speechless.

"Did you haul that all the way up from the basement?" Brendon hears Spencer ask but Jon doesn't answer, just keeps watching Brendon expectantly.

"Can I, is that for... Can I play it?" Brendon finally asks, wanting to step forward, hug the piano close, run his fingers across the keys over and over again but holding back to wait for permission.

"Of course, it's for you," Jon says, standing up and gesturing for Brendon to take a seat. Brendon nearly runs him over in his rush to sit down and slides his fingers across the keys. He runs through a few simple scales. The piano needs tuning, which isn't a surprise if it's been sitting in a basement for who knows how long but it's perfectly serviceable and it's a piano.

Brendon never thought he'd get to play again. He runs through '_Come, Listen to a Prophet's Voice_' and joins in at the end. "As one who shall obtain," he finishes and when he looks up there are tears in his eyes. "Thank you, Jon Walker, thank you so much." and he reaches out to hug him, pressing his face against Jon's stomach and squeezing tight.

Brendon tears himself away from the piano long enough to eat dinner (Jon made his famous chili) and even manages to make conversation. Jon tells them about something funny Tom had said and Spencer makes noises about inviting Tom over for dinner soon and just when Jon's looking uncomfortable about that idea, Ryan asks him about the piano.

It's like a switch has been flipped inside of him He tells them about his plans to tune it tomorrow, how he already knows exactly how he'll bring the pitch around and what songs he wants to get back to playing. He'd been in the process of adding depth to some of his favorite hymns and writing some of his own when he'd been forbidden to ever go back in town to play with his friend. He tells them about rearranging some hymns and writing his own and when he looks around again he's been speaking for almost twenty solid minutes.

The others have all finished their dinner and are just sitting, listening to him. He flushes, cheeks going hot because he was raised better than to completely monopolize dinner conversation. What if Ryan or Spencer had something else to say to Jon? Or to each other?

"You know, I think that's the most words I've heard you speak since you came here," Jon says and Brendon would feel stung if he couldn't hear the humor in Jon's voice. When he looks up Jon's watching him with those warm brown eyes of his and Brendon smiles shyly back.

"Looks like we know how to get Brendon out of his shell," and now Spencer's smiling at him too.

 

It's Ryan's night with Jon so Brendon and Spencer send them upstairs when it comes time to do the dishes. Jon goes back to work tomorrow so their time is cut into as it is and Brendon desperately wants to make up for dinner so he cleans as much as he can and lets Spencer put the food away while he starts up the dishes.

Jon and Ryan are a lot louder then Jon and Spencer. There's not nearly as many soft moans and the only real giveaway is the thump of the bed against Brendon's wall. It's a lot of thumping. A whole lot of thumping and Brendon's starting to wonder just how sore Ryan's going to be in the morning when there is sudden blissful silence.

 

When they come down late for breakfast in the morning (Jon already dressed for work and Ryan still in his pajamas, mouth bruised red so if Jon's sheepish smile didn't give away what they'd been doing to be late, that certainly would) Ryan sits down just fine. He sprawls out across his chair in fact, opening the paper and idly biting into an apple. Brendon's kind of impressed because they were making the bed creak for a long time last night but then he catches sight of Jon out of the corner of his eye and he has to hide behind the oatmeal box and bite his tongue so he won't squeak.

Jon sits down with care, squirming a little uncomfortably before settling himself and reaching for the comics section of the paper. Spencer sets a glass of orange juice on the table in front of Jon, frowning at his squirming. He gives Ryan a sharp look and Ryan shrugs before giving Spencer a contented smile. Jon mirrors it and they both get smacked in the back of the head with the business section. Spencer sits next to Brendon, rolling his eyes every time Jon winces and trying to hide a smile behind his newspaper.

Brendon would never presume to make judgments on what his husband chooses to do when he lies with one of his brotherwives, but if the Holy Spirit asked Brendon how he felt in this exact moment, he would admit to being more than a little horrified.

 

Jon gives them each a kiss and leaves for work, whistling under his breath and clearly more than happy so Brendon should get over it. He has work to do anyway and as soon as the breakfast dishes are cleared he grabs Spencer's in-home toolbox and gets to work tuning the piano.

When he finally looks up from the insides of the piano it's well past noon and his back aches from sitting in the same position for so long. He sets his tools down and stands, muscles aching and joints popping when he stretches. One glance out the window lets him know just how hot it must be outside and he hasn't heard Spencer or Ryan come back in even once. They're planting the roses and tomatoes today, digging in the ground and they're likely just as sore as Brendon feels right now and thirsty on top of it. Brendon used to tend their little vegetable garden sometimes, back on the compound. He knows what thirsty work it is.

He fixes sandwiches for all of them, layering them high with cold-cuts and setting them on a tray with some glasses. He fills a pitcher with ice water and carries it and the tray outside. He doesn't see them at first, they've already planted several of the roses and between those and the gardening supplies it's a bit difficult to find anything.

They're both dirty and sweating. There's a bead of sweat on Spencer's jaw that Brendon watches slide down and across Spencer's throat to pool against his collarbone. Brendon can see his collarbone because Spencer's shirt is lying next to him on the grass. His jeans are pushed down around his thighs and Ryan's between his legs, head bobbing in a rhythm that's familiar to Brendon even though he's only ever seen it once before.

There's a smudge of soil across one of Spencer's nipples and Brendon knows that it's from Ryan's fingers. Spencer's moaning, grabbing hold of Ryan's hair and thrusting his hips up into Ryan's mouth and it jolts Brendon back to himself. He turns around, heads back to the kitchen as quickly and quietly as he can, praying he won't be seen. He makes it there and sets everything on the counter. He leans against the wall and slides down it, wrapping his arms around his knees because he doesn't know what he's going to do.

What Spencer and Ryan were doing, it's wrong, so wrong and he should tell Jon. He has a duty to tell his husband what's going on, that he's being deceived and, and... how could they? How could Ryan and Spencer do that to Jon? And after Jon had... had laid down for Ryan just last night. It makes him sick inside, the casual disrespect it shows and what must the Lord think of them? And what if the Prophet were to find out? They're a family, sealed together for all eternity. Doesn't that mean anything to them? At the same time, he's dizzy with the prospect of having to tell Jon because he doesn't know if he could do that to Ryan and Spencer.

Ryan and Spencer took him in, convinced Jon to marry him when no one else would and took care of him while Jon was away. He didn't have anything before he met Ryan and Spencer. Now he has Jon, this house, a piano that's all his own. He can write music and make his family proud and he has Ryan and Spencer to thank for all of it. He closes his eyes and prays for the Lord's guidance, prays for him to send him a sign, something to show him the way.

Instead he gets the sound of Ryan and Spencer's feet on the back porch and Brendon stands hastily, wiping his eyes and straightening his clothes. He has to put his trust in the Lord and in his family. They're all in this together, in this life and the next. He forces a smile when Ryan and Spencer come in through the sliding glass door. They're still sweaty and covered in dirt and grass and both of them smiling in a way that would usually make Brendon smile too, happy that his brotherwives were so happy.

Now he just offers them a late lunch and tries not to throw up.

 

After spending four more hours on the piano, Brendon has a splitting headache and is very, very sorry for not wearing his glasses. He helps make dinner anyway, knowing it's his own fault for letting his vanity overcome his common sense. His mother had always encouraged him not to wear them in public though, said they made his face look far too plain. He's grateful for the headache at dinner though, because it gives him an excuse to not have an appetite and also for how quiet he is.

Jon gives him a kind smile when Brendon explains why he isn't eating or speaking, running the back of his hand over Brendon's forehead before pressing a light kiss to the top of his head. It's Spencer's night with Jon and Brendon busies himself with cleaning the dishes so he doesn't have to watch Jon and Spencer disappear up the stairs, hand in hand; Jon going up on tiptoes at the top of the stairs to whisper something in Spencer's ear.

Ryan takes pity on him, runs his thumbs over Brendon's shoulders when Brendon slumps in front of the sink. "Go on up to bed," Ryan tells him, pressing his thumbs over Brendon's neck. "I can finish here, you look wiped, that headache must be doing one hell of a number on you to have you so down." Ryan's mouth sweeps across the back of his neck, comforting and warm and if it were yesterday, Brendon would be able to lean back against Ryan, ask for a hug. Not today. Today it makes him feel dirty, even more a part of Spencer and Ryan's betrayal and the sudden tension in his shoulders sends a sharp stab of pain behind his eyes.

He shrugs Ryan off and nods, turning to go up the steps and to his own room. He changes into his favorite pair of Scoobie Doo pajamas and kneels at the foot of his bed to pray. He thanks God for all of his blessings, for his family and for his husband and for their continued health and well being. Then he asks for guidance, for a sign, for help to show him the way.

He walks into the kitchen in the morning to find Spencer and Jon kissing in front of the stove. Jon's hands are cupping Spencer's face and Spencer's arms are around Jon's waist. Brendon stays silent, watching them both before calling out "Jon, can I speak with you?" When Jon pulls away he keeps his eyes locked on Spencer for just a second. Right then, the look on his face is so pleased and happy that Brendon can't bear to ruin it. Spencer nods good morning to him, turning to serve up oatmeal and Jon makes his way towards him, taking hold of Brendon's hand and pulling him into the living room so they can have some privacy.

"Morning Brendon," he says, reaching up to rub Brendon's temples. "You feeling any better?" and Brendon can only nod and turn his face into Jon's palm. Jon smiles then and leans forward to kiss him on the mouth. "What was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Can I have a blessing?" and Brendon knows that's the wrong thing to ask for. He knows he doesn't deserve a blessing when he's hiding something from Jon but he is seeking guidance and a blessing can't hurt. Jon looks uncomfortable for a second but nods and Brendon bows his head for him. Jon lays hands on him and whispers out a blessing, asking the Lord to guide and strengthen Brendon now and for always.

He feels better afterward; lighter and more confident that an answer will come to him. When they get back into the kitchen, Ryan is sitting in his seat, fully dressed for work and talking to Spencer in nothing but one and two word sentences. Brendon takes a bite of his oatmeal and sneaks a glance at Jon. Jon's watching them both with a sad smile that he quickly hides when he catches Brendon looking.

 

Brendon spends the entire morning with his piano. He finishes tuning early in the morning, just after Ryan leaves and absently plays scales and simple melodies for the next two hours. He doesn't realize how much time has passed until Spencer knocks on the door frame to get his attention and invite him to come have lunch with him.

Brendon eats silently, taking small bites of the salad Spencer made and avoiding eye contact. Spencer, because he's wonderful and understanding, even when he's the source of Brendon's problems, lets him. They sit in silence, Spencer absently filling out the crossword and Brendon picking at the frayed knee of his slacks.

"Spencer, you love Jon, right?" Brendon asks before he can talk himself out of it. It's the most important thing; more important than anything else because if Spencer loves Jon then Brendon knows he'll do the right thing.

Spencer looks startled for a second but nods without thinking. "Very much, that's why we got married. We had the absolute worst apartment when we first started out. It was all we could afford because BYU wasn't exactly cheap and-" Spencer cuts himself off and looks up, like he didn't realize who he was talking to until just now. "I love Jon with everything I am, Brendon. Just like I love Ryan and just like I love you. We're a family."

It's the right answer, the answer Brendon would expect Spencer to have anyway but there is something else there. There's something so very true at the core that Brendon doesn't think Spencer's just telling him what it's his duty as first boywife to tell him. He can imagine Spencer and Jon crammed into a tiny apartment, eating ramen and lunchmeat every night, studying for tests and spending their Saturdays in bed together.

Spencer loves Jon; no matter what, they can all fix this. He goes through the rest of lunch on autopilot and makes some excuse for needing something at the store. He has to take his bicycle because Ryan has the second car but it isn't that far and it's not so hot he can't bike around for a little while.

 

This means he shows up at Jon's offices sweaty and dusty and with no good reason to be there that he can tell someone else. "My name is Brendon Urie and if you just tell Mr. Walker that I'm here, I'm certain he'll want to talk to me," he's telling the receptionist, gesturing futilely at what he assumes is the direction of Jon's office when Tom happens by.

"Brendon!" he says and Brendon has never been so happy to make someone nervous merely by existing in his entire life. "Gail, it's not a problem, I'll take him back to talk to Jon." and the receptionist sits down and lets out a heavy sigh. He supposes he was gesturing a bit emphatically but he needed to see Jon and she wouldn't let him! It's her own fault she's tired.

Tom guides him down the hall with a hand hovering just over his back, not touching and not going away. "Are you supposed to be…" and he trails off, clearly not certain how to end that sentence.

"I'm allowed to leave the house," and Brendon did not mean for that to come out as snotty as it sounded but really, Tom needs to learn to deal with Jon's polygamist lifestyle if he's going to be sticking around.

"Sorry, Brendon," and to Tom's credit, he does sound sorry, like he knows he's bordering on being a jerk and is trying to steer away but can't always help himself. "His office is right through those doors."

"Thank you, Tom," Brendon says and he's about to keep going when Tom reaches out and touches his elbow. It's the first time Brendon can remember Tom ever willingly touching him and it brings him up short.

"It was nice running into you," he says with a nervous, lopsided grin. "I hope you like the piano. Umm… tell Spencer to give me a call so we can plan dinner?" It's a good sign (and Brendon is interpreting it as a sign, he prayed for one and it came). If Tom can move past his hang-ups with Brendon and Ryan and his best friend having three boywives, maybe Jon can come up with a way to deal with having two boywives who are adulterers. Maybe.

Jon looks startled when Brendon steps into his office. He's looking over contracts or something but stands when he sees him, gesturing him over. "Brendon, what are you-"

"If I told you Ryan and Spencer were lying together, you wouldn't do something awful, right, Jon Walker?" Brendon interrupts, stepping closer, reaching out to put one hand on Jon's waist. "I know you're- I know it's your right to have them stoned or beaten but you wouldn't, I know you wouldn't. You know how important it is that we stay a family, you know that no matter what, we all have to face each other in the next life and you wouldn't do anything rash to Ryan or Spencer. You love them and they love you and there's no need for rash action!"

Jon looks at him, completely disbelieving for a second before sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Brendon," he says, reaching up to run his hand over Brendon's hair. "Let's get some ice cream, okay?" and if there is one thing Brendon can say with confidence about Jon Walker, it's that he'd never tell Brendon he was going to have Ryan and Spencer stoned to death over ice cream, so he nods and smiles tightly because his sign was right afterall! Jon is going to forgive them.

 

Brendon orders a banana split with extra peanuts and four cherries on top and blushes a bit when Jon just orders a small butterscotch sundae. Jon holds his hand while they wait for their ice cream by the counter though and pulls out his chair for him when they sit down. It's nice and not counting the one night Brendon had with him, it's the first time they've ever been alone together.

"Brendon," Jon begins, once Brendon's eaten the vanilla portion of his treat. Brendon can tell there's a serious discussion coming so he sets down his spoon and looks up at Jon, folding his hands in his lap. "There's nothing wrong with Spencer and Ryan doing whatever they like together."

Brendon knows his eyes must be comically wide right now but he can't help it. Jon can't actually mean that! They're his boywives, they're not meant to be with anyone else like that!

"No, Brendon, I mean it." Jon reaches forward, putting his hand over Brendon's, a stern look on his face. "I don't want you thinking Spencer and Ryan are doing anything wrong. They're married, aren't they? Ryan married Spencer just as much as he married me and if they want to be together like that then that's perfectly fine with me."

Brendon bites his lip and keeps silent, because he doesn't think that's true but he would never call Jon a liar.

Jon's hand runs over his hair. "I wish you'd talk to me," and when Brendon looks up Jon has that same sad smile he has sometimes when Spencer and Ryan are having one of their conversations that shuts out the world. Brendon never wanted to make Jon sad, it's the last thing he ever wanted to do. When he was packing his things to leave home (married at last! His mother had cried with joy) for Jon's house, he'd promised himself he'd do nothing but make Jon happy for the rest of their lives. "I don't care what it is you have to say, Brendon, I just want to hear it. I want to get to know you and I can't if you never say anything."

"I just, I don't think that you're speaking all of your feelings, Jon Walker," Brendon decides on because he just can't bring himself to say Jon's lying, he can't. "It makes you sad, Spencer and Ryan, I see that." He turns his hand so he can lace his fingers in Jon's, wanting to be holding Jon, assure him that he isn't judging him, would never judge him.

"Brendon, it's... That's complicated, okay? But I'm happy if Spencer's happy and if Ryan's happy. I want that, for all of us to be happy."

Anger surges through him for a second, white hot and he knows it must show because Jon looks surprised. Brendon looks down and away, because it's so inappropriate to show temper to his husband. It doesn't matter that Jon thinks he's too simple to understand complex emotions. Brendon has no right to angry. Perhaps he is too simple; Jon would know best. He forces himself to calm, reciting the Lord's Prayer in his head for strength but is interrupted by Jon tugging on his hand.

"Hey, no, what was that?" Jon asks and Brendon wants to ask forgiveness but Jon doesn't look angry, just surprised. "Was that... you were angry, weren't you? Brendon Walker, angry, I never thought I'd see it. You're cute when you're mad, by the way. Your mouth does this really adorable... Anyway, tell me what you're angry about."

Jon looks legitimately interested though, leaning forward and running his thumb soothingly over Brendon's wrist. "I know I'm not as well educated as you, Spencer and Ryan are," he starts, because he understands why Jon might think he couldn't understand something, he does. "But, I'd appreciate, that is... I'm not unintelligent, Jon Walker. I can understand things just as well as you can." He holds his head up when he says it, because it's true. He doesn't need things dumbed down for him or for anyone to shield him from the complexities of life.

"No, I know that." Jon's really forceful about that, squeezing Brendon's hand emphatically, sincerity written all over his face. "I made Spencer make sure you were, well, I just mean-" Jon blushes a little, the perfect picture of sheepishness. "I couldn't have married you if I thought you were simple, Brendon, never. It's just that I don't want to hurt your feelings. I know I could, very easily and without meaning to. And you'd never tell me I'd hurt you and I'd never be able to make it up to you." Jon touches his cheek, light caress of his fingers and Brendon sighs. "I never want to hurt you, Brendon."

"I know you were all together before me. There's a lot of history between all of you, that doesn't hurt, Jon Walker. Not being included now, well, that kind of does." he looks down at the table when he says it and Jon sighs and squeezes Brendon's hand again.

"All I ever wanted was Spencer," Jon says, looking up at Brendon with sad brown eyes. "When I went away to college, I wasn't just going away for school. I was giving up the Principle. I didn't want to live it and I didn't want to be responsible for the salvation of my boywives. I came back when Spencer turned seventeen because I knew he'd want to come with me."

"He's so gorgeous and he was even prettier back then. He didn't want to marry anyone who wanted to marry him, though. I knew Spencer wanted to go to school, that he'd given thought to going into accounting and that he was smart enough for it. I always loved that about him. Spencer didn't just want to get married and serve God and do all of the things that I didn't have any interest in. He wanted a life of his own and I could offer him that."

"He took it and we ran away together. We didn't have any money. We lived in a shit apartment with Tom for the entire time we were at BYU but we were happy, Brendon. I thought that's how it would always be. I thought we'd get jobs and buy a house and try to pay off our student loans and that maybe someday we'd adopt a couple of kids if Spencer felt like it. But it didn't really work out like that because-"

"Ryan," Brendon fills in, because everyone on the compound knew about the Rosses.

"Yeah, Ryan. Because if all I ever wanted was Spencer, all Spencer ever wanted was Ryan and that's mutual for both of them. I thought I could… I don't know, replace him? That if I could just make Spencer happy enough he'd love me like he loves Ryan. Then that damn phone call came and the next thing I know we're driving back to Nevada the week before finals. Spencer begged me, said Ryan would make a good boywife and that if I loved him I'd do this for him. And the first part wasn't true, because if anyone wasn't made for being a boywife, it's Ryan Ross. The second part was true though, because Spencer's heart was breaking and I could fix it."

"Was that when the Bishop's council voted Mr. Ross out and they were being thrown off the compound?" Brendon asks. He remembers the way Ryan's father had screamed at the elders who came to take their things out of their house. It had echoed all the way to Brendon's family home.

"Yeah, it was. Spencer told me that if they were thrown off the compound then Ryan was done for because no one wanted to marry him and his father wasn't going to keep him around. So I married him, we married him and Spencer was so happy, Brendon. My father was so proud. He knew I had planned to give up the Principle and there I was, seeking Ryan's hand. I told him I'd had a revelation. I said I knew what my path was, now."

"He convinced the rest of the council to give me Ryan's father's seat and suddenly we had money. I could afford to get the three of us a place of our own and we could make meals that weren't mostly pasta and hamburger meat. Ryan and Spencer were ridiculously, deliriously happy. I'd come home from classes and they'd be curled up together on Ryan's bed, having one of their creepy two word conversations or just sleeping. And yeah, I was a little jealous but, Brendon, I love Spencer more than anything. All I want is for him to be happy. Ryan does that. For that reason alone I'd love Ryan, but he's Ryan and there are so many more reasons to love him. Did you know he went through the schedule of classes my final quarter, made himself a course list, went to all of the classes, did all of the reading and took all of the tests even though he wasn't enrolled? He's going to school in the Fall, he wants to be a writer."

It sounds like Ryan, sounds like something Ryan could be good at. Brendon's happy that Ryan has something like that. "So you really don't mind?"

"Sometimes I think about how it was before and I get a little sad but it's just for a second. I love Ryan and I love Spencer and I know I'll love you. I want the people I love to be happy and if it makes them happy to be with each other like that, then I'm all for it." Jon runs his knuckles over Brendon's cheek. "That goes for you too. Ryan told me about teaching you how to kiss." Brendon can feel himself flushing all the way down to his toes but Jon just laughs. "It's fine, really, I mean it."

Brendon just shakes his head. "I couldn't, we're brotherwives!"

"It's not like you're actually brothers though, Brendon," Jon tells him with a grin, taking another bite of his ice cream.

"We could be! The Way brothers are brotherwives!"

"That's not really..." Jon trails off and shakes his head. "Anyways, that's beside the point. You don't have to if you don't want to. I'd never throw you at Spencer and Ryan and order you to sleep with them. It's just that Ryan had mentioned teaching you to kiss and I wanted you to know it was okay with me if you wanted to do more." Jon picks up Brendon's hand and kisses the back. "Now eat your ice cream because I do have to get back to work at some point."

 

"You won't get in trouble will you?" Brendon asks when he and Jon are in his office again. "For stepping out in the middle of the day with a complete stranger?"

Jon just laughs, "A pretty stranger that Tom knows and no one else does when I've been married for a while now? Brendon, they probably think you're my mistress and no one is going to say anything about it as long as they think that."

"Wait, they all think that I'm... Oh!" and someday, Brendon will be able to keep how scandalized he is to himself but today is not that day. Jon laughs and Brendon buries his face against his shoulder. "I can't believe I have to go out there with them all thinking I'm that kind of boy."

Jon rubs his thumb over the back of Brendon's neck and kisses his cheek. "Heaven forbid anyone should think we're sleeping together," he teases and Brendon blushes again.

"It's not that. I don't have any problem with that!" Brendon rushes to assure him and Jon just raises an eyebrow and pulls him closer.

"Maybe you should show me," Jon says and Brendon's confused for a second but then his eyes widen with shock.

"But it's the middle of the afternoon!" Jon backs off right away. He steps back without letting go and Brendon flails inside for a second before reaching out for him. "No! We can. I mean, if you don't think it's odd. Umm, I wouldn't mind."

"I'm sure you wouldn't, Brendon," Jon says with another kiss to Brendon's cheek. "It's fine though. Do me a favor and have Gail send in the TC reports on your way out, okay?"

Brendon knows he should do as he's told. He knows he should walk away and let Jon work. But it's Ryan's night tonight and he won't get to be with Jon again until tomorrow. Most importantly though, he wants to so he pulls Jon back towards him and spreads his legs, leaning back against Jon's desk. "Please?"

"Really?" Jon asks, clearly surprised and Brendon flushes but nods.

"Yes really. I want to. I'm not sure how we should but, please?" Brendon knows his entire face is red and that he must sound ridiculously eager but Jon must like it because he leans in and kisses him. Jon rests one hand against his hip while he licks into Brendon's mouth. Brendon can't help sighing, tilting his head to the side and wrapping his arms around Jon's neck.

Jon puts his other hand around Brendon's waist and lifts him up, so Brendon's sitting on the desk with his legs spread wide around Jon's hips. "We have to be quiet, okay?" and Brendon nods, running his ankle over Jon's calf.

"Like a mouse, I swear," Brendon says and when Jon raises an eyebrow he shuts his mouth tight.

"Oh Brendon," Jon says before leaning in to kiss him breathless. He would say something, but he told Jon he'd be quiet and Jon's dropping to his knees and reaching forward to unzip Brendon's slacks, so it probably doesn't matter. He's disappointed though because he was hoping they could do something different this time. He thought maybe he could do this to Jon or... he's not sure but he'd be willing to do it.

Jon pulls Brendon's slacks and underwear down around his knees and wraps his hand around Brendon's cock, stroking slowly and grinning up at him. "I want to try this a little differently this time," he tells him, reaching up to cup Brendon's cheek. Brendon is in favor of different, he wants to be good at this, wants Jon to desire him like he does Ryan and Spencer. He wants Jon to be late for breakfast because of Brendon, wants Jon to kiss him in front of the stove like nothing else in the entire world exists.

So Brendon nods and when Jon's hand trails across his cheek and down to his lips, pressing two fingers against the seam, Brendon opens his mouth and runs his tongue across them. He must be doing it right because Jon only watches him for a second before lowering his mouth to Brendon's cock and licking over the head. Brendon does his best to copy what Jon's doing to him, closing his eyes against the sight of Jon on his knees, mouth stretched around him and concentrating instead on mimicking the way Jon's sucking him. It's a lot sloppier than what Jon's doing and he'll have to ask Ryan or Spencer what to do if he wants to do it right but Jon isn't complaining. He groans suddenly and when Brendon opens his eyes and looks down, Jon's watching him, eyes dark and he pushes his fingers in deeper, makes Brendon take more. Brendon widens his mouth and keeps sucking.

He's shuddering though, because Jon's mouth, the way his tongue is sliding against the underside of his cock is making him feel tense again and he knows he's not far from coming. Jon pulls off, squeezes his hand around the base of Brendon's cock and pulls his fingers out of Brendon's mouth. He just barely manages to cut off his moan of disappointment at the last part but it makes Jon smile so he doesn't feel embarrassed. There's nothing wrong with wanting his husband like that.

Jon licks the underside of Brendon's cock and brings his hand down between Brendon's legs. "Lean back a little," he tells him, breath hot over spit wet skin and Brendon can't do anything but as he's told, leaning back on his palms and looking down his body to watch Jon. He knows what Jon's planning to do. He knows enough about what happens between husbands and boywives to know that much but even knowing doesn't keep him from shivering when Jon spreads his thighs wider and presses one spit-slick finger against Brendon's opening.

"Jon," Brendon gasps, closing his eyes tight against the pressure and quickly opening them when he feels Jon's mouth on him again. It doesn't hurt, not exactly. Jon's being too careful for that, but it doesn't exactly feel good either. He runs his hands over Jon's hair, careful not to pull or do anything else that will need much fixing later but still encouraging him to keep sucking him.

He's not so sure about the other thing. Jon has one finger inside him and is pressing another one alongside it and Brendon wants desperately to be aroused by this. He wants for it to make him ache and fill him with want the way Jon's mouth does but it's not. It doesn't matter though, Jon never has to know! He's happy enough with Jon he doesn't need-

"Oh!" and that was loud, too loud probably but Brendon can't help pushing back against Jon's fingers, wanting to feel whatever that was again. Jon doesn't let him down. He crooks his fingers inside of Brendon and Brendon bites his lip hard to keep from calling out, grabbing a fistful of Jon's hair and shaking. Jon's tongue swipes out against his cock and that's it; Brendon's coming in Jon's mouth with a whimper.

"So I take it you liked that?" Jon asks him with a grin after he's pulled off, obviously pleased with himself. Brendon can only nod weakly and hope he'll be able to feel his legs again sometime soon. He reaches out; hand blindly groping for the front of Jon's pants but Jon just takes his hand and presses a kiss to it. "No time, Brendon, but tomorrow right?" There's something in Jon's voice, something expectant and Brendon doesn't approve of gambling, because the Lord frowns on it, but if he were a gambling man, he'd wager Jon had more planned for Brendon's night with him than just his mouth again.

"Tomorrow," he repeats, climbing down off the desk and trying to pull his slacks back up. Jon helps him as much as he can but Brendon knows just what he must look like when he staggers by the receptionist, still sex-stupid and his mouth bitten bright red.

 

When he gets home, the second car is in the driveway and he can hear Ryan and Spencer in the living room. Spencer's paying bills and Ryan is sitting next to him. Brendon thinks Spencer's trying to teach Ryan how it's done (he keeps giving instructions about filling out checks and then marking down the amount in the checkbook to keep it balanced and then addressing envelopes), but mostly Ryan seems to be licking stamps when Spencer tells him to and talking about some band one of his coworkers told him about.

"Hey, Brendon," Spencer says when he sees him. "Did you get what you needed?" and at Brendon's blank look he smiles. "At the store?" Of course Spencer knows he didn't go to the store, Spencer has some kind of first boywife super powers and he knows when Brendon's lying to him.

"I need to apologize to you both," he says, gripping tightly to the back of the couch. He feels awful now. Awful for ever thinking Spencer and Ryan would do something that Jon didn't approve of and he has to tell the truth and ask forgiveness but he's a little afraid. Spencer and Ryan are his only friends, if they stop liking him because he believed them to be adulterers, he doesn't know what he'll do.

Ryan's expression stays the same, but Brendon knows he's probably confused and he and Spencer exchange a few glances while Brendon collects himself. "I need to apologize because I held wicked thoughts about you in my heart and spoke this wickedness out loud to our husband. He's set me right and alleviated my fears but now I must ask your forgiveness."

He stumbles on the last part, staring at the couch. He wants to cry because he can't ask for forgiveness without explaining what horrible things he thought Spencer and Ryan capable of. "I... I saw you in the garden, lying together and I thought-" he wipes his eyes and sniffs and he's surprised when his face is tilted up.

Spencer wipes his eyes with a handkerchief and hands it to him so he can blow his nose and Ryan hugs him from behind, arms wrapped around his waist and his face pressed against Brendon's neck. "We forgive you," Spencer says, cupping his cheek. "Don't be upset, you didn't do anything wrong, Brendon."

That just makes him cry more because of course Spencer and Ryan forgive him and want to comfort him. They're so wonderful; how could he have thought that about them? "But, but I told him! I thought you two were... and I told Jon! He could have stoned you or beaten you or... or something else really, really bad."

That must be funny to Spencer because he lets out a little laugh and wipes Brendon's tears away with his thumb. "Oh Brendon. Jon Walker would be so unbelievably fucked if he ever tried to lay a hand on us and he knows that. Besides, he wouldn't. You know that right, Brendon? You know Jon would never hit you?"

Brendon thinks of Jon licking butterscotch off his spoon, Jon sitting extra carefully after his night with Ryan and grinning about it, Jon's face when he gave Brendon the piano and nods. "Jon said he'd never hurt me," he says and isn't surprised to realize he believes it.

 

They're making dinner when Brendon thinks to bring it up. He wonders if he can ask them both but that seems best right? Spencer and Ryan have so much experience with what Jon likes and doesn't like and they're first and second boywife so they would know best.

"I was wondering," he starts, breaking the silence. When Spencer and Ryan both look up from what they're doing to watch him he blushes and looks down, like he needs to pay attention to the potatoes he's peeling. "I umm, sometimes Jon, he umm, he uses his mouth? On me, down there and I was umm, I was thinking about how I could do it back, maybe but I don't know how?" He has to be bright red, his whole face feels fever-hot. Then Ryan chokes on what Brendon is certain is a laugh and he's never been so embarrassed in his life.

There's a loud smacking sound and when Brendon looks up Spencer is rubbing the back of his hand and glaring at Ryan, who's holding the back of his head and glaring back. There is a lot of glaring and then Ryan punches Spencer's shoulder and turns his back to keep cutting the vegetables. "I'm sorry, Brendon," Ryan says sullenly but when he looks back over his shoulder at Brendon he really does look very sorry.

"That's okay," Brendon answers with a self deprecating laugh. "It was kind of a silly question, I mean, I'll learn right? Just, just doing it will teach me and… it was a silly question." Ryan looks twice as sorry now as he did before but Brendon looks down, concentrating on the potatoes.

"Of course it wasn't," Spencer gives him a tiny smile then, folding his hands in front of him on the counter. "Ryan and I are happy to help you and we're glad you feel comfortable asking." The last bit is said somewhat pointedly and Spencer casts a significant look back at Ryan and Ryan mutters something that is probably yes but might also be something about Spencer's mom.

Brendon blushes again but he manages to meet Spencer's eyes this time. "I was, you know, on Jon's fingers and it was kind of messy and really, really wet. And umm, it's not nearly as wet when Jon, umm, so what am I doing wrong?"

"Jon doesn't mind it wet, actually," Ryan supplies in what he probably thinks is a helpful tone but really just makes Brendon blush harder. "He says he likes the enthusiasm and he kind of likes how it makes your mouth look when you're done." Brendon remembers how Jon had run his thumb over Brendon's mouth earlier, had kissed him hard and told him how pretty he was. Brendon had seen what his mouth had looked like in the lobby mirror, how obscenely red and full his lips were from being bitten and yeah, he could easily imagine Jon liking that.

Spencer opens his mouth to say something when they all hear Jon's car pull up in the driveway. "Why don't we talk after dinner, Brendon?" Spencer asks and that would mean just Spencer and that actually sounds a lot less frightening than Spencer and Ryan together so he nods and grins.

"Thank you, Spencer," he says just before Jon's key turns in the door. They all go out to greet him and Jon kisses them each in turn, starting with Spencer and ending with Brendon and when Brendon is pressed against Jon he can't help the thrill that goes through him. It hasn't been more than three hours since they... and Jon must feel it too because while Ryan and Spencer are turning back to the kitchen Jon gives him a filthy grin and pinches his rear. Brendon looks back at him, scandalized, but Jon just laughs and steps away so he can go upstairs and change.

Spencer fires up the grill and they end up eating on the back porch. Jon tells them all about some weird copier malfunction that had the printers at work going crazy all afternoon and Ryan tries to top it with a story about kicking some kids out of the library that afternoon after they tried to smoke up in the stacks. Brendon's not entirely certain what that means, but smoking in a library sounds like an awful thing to do so he nods along with Spencer and Jon about kids respecting libraries.

"Oh, Brendon," Jon says, holding out a piece of paper when they're having the fruit salad Ryan made for dessert. "One of Tom's neighbors has a daughter and they were thinking about getting her piano lessons. Tom brought your name up. They're interviewing a couple of different people but I brought their number home for you. You should give them a call tomorrow."

Brendon had always liked teaching some of the younger children how to play on the congregation piano. He'd stay late after Sunday services in order to do it most days, but this is completely different. "Oh, I don't really think I'm, I mean, I'm not really-"

Ryan snorts and when Brendon looks up he's got his head tilted and is looking at him a little funny. "Brendon, you're really, really talented on that piano, so don't even say you aren't good."

"That's just hymns and things though. Everyone can play those," he answers with a blush.

"No one plays them like you do," Spencer shoots back and Brendon knows when he's outnumbered so he shrugs and takes the paper in Jon's hand.

"Thank you," he says to them all and Ryan reaches across the table to muss his hair so Brendon sticks his tongue out at him.

Jon helps clear the dishes off the table, setting them on the counter by the sink when Ryan comes up behind him, bumps their hips together and presses a kiss to the back of his neck. Jon just laughs and turns around, letting Ryan pull him upstairs and calling good night to Brendon and Spencer over his shoulder.

 

"So, what exactly did you want to know?" Spencer asks him, once the kitchen is clean and they're sitting together on the couch in the living room.

"Just, what to do when I'm down there and, you know, with Jon," Brendon answers. He tries to gesture and has to work hard at trying not to blush when Spencer smiles.

"Well, I think the most important thing is probably not to use your teeth, unless Jon asks, but he really shouldn't because that's kind of advanced." Spencer frowns then, which makes two of them because Brendon doesn't really know how that was supposed to help. Maybe he'd have been better off waiting for Ryan to tell him. "This is really hard to explain without showing, sorry."

Brendon can see how that could be but he does want to learn and Jon had said... "Could you? Umm, show me?" He wishes Ryan were here so they could both make fun of the double-take Spencer does at that. Instead Brendon tries very hard not to blush and look as sure as possible.

"Do you want me to show you?" Spencer asks back, biting his lip.

"I, yes? I mean, I want to do it right and Jon said we could and umm, yes?" Spencer laughs then. It's always such a surprise to Brendon, how high pitched Spencer's laughter is especially now, with Spencer leaning in to kiss him. His beard brushes against Brendon's chin and then Spencer's mouth is on his, soft and unhurried.

"We should probably go upstairs," Spencer says. "Unless you wanted to do this on the couch?" They all sit here in the evenings; Tom sits here when he visits. Brendon's parents might sit on this couch one day.

"Upstairs sounds great, I'm a big fan of the upstairs." Spencer is nice enough not to laugh at him.

Spencer holds his hand while they climb the stairs and it's nice. It reminds him of watching Spencer and Jon. Brendon likes the idea that maybe this is like when Jon and Spencer are alone, that Spencer can show him what he does and Brendon won't embarrass himself. Spencer takes him to his room, which makes sense because it doesn't share a wall with Ryan's and closes the door behind him. Brendon's been here before, he and Spencer painted the baseboards while Jon was away and it's not that it looks different when it's dark, it's just that it feels that way when he's here to-

"Brendon, if you don't want to do this, you don't have to," Spencer interrupts his silent panic and Brendon's very grateful, even more so when Spencer reaches out to place his hand against Brendon's shoulder.

"No," he states firmly, because he does want this, he does. "I want to. I mean it." Spencer steps closer, leaning down to look him in the eye and he must see something he likes because he tips Brendon's chin up and kisses him. He presses his tongue against the seam of Brendon's mouth and Brendon opens for him, sliding his tongue against Spencer's like Ryan taught him.

Spencer pulls away at that, looks at him a little startled. "Where did you learn to do that?" he asks and Brendon blushes.

"Ryan sort of, umm," he manages and Spencer just laughs against his mouth.

"Seemed kind of familiar. Oh, Jon Walker, what are the odds that all of your boywives would learn to kiss from each other?" Spencer doesn't sound upset at all though, just very, very amused so Brendon presses forward for another kiss. Spencer's hands go to Brendon's waist and under his shirt, lifting it up until Brendon has to pull away. "This will be a lot easier without all of this on."

Brendon lifts his arms and lets Spencer strip his shirt off of him and once his chest is bare, Spencer pulls away to look at him with one hand on the front fastenings on his slacks. It makes Brendon feel shy all of a sudden, like he should cover himself again. "You know you're beautiful, right, Brendon?" Spencer asks him, one hand cupping his hip and the other undoing his zipper and buttons. "Ryan and I used to talk about it, before." and between the inappropriate way Spencer's speaking and him going down on his knees to pull Brendon's pants and underwear down and off, Brendon's blushing all over. "C'mon, we should lay down," and with a quick kiss pressed to Brendon's hip, Spencer's standing up and stepping away.

Brendon follows, sitting down on Spencer's bed and biting his lip while Spencer unbuttons his shirt and pulls off his jeans. Spencer's skin is so pale and Brendon wants to run his fingers over his hips, cup them and press his mouth there. It's a strange thought to have, but he doesn't think Spencer would dislike it, so he does it. He reaches out and palms Spencer's hips, pulling him towards Brendon and kisses them, just above the line of Spencer's underwear.

He feels Spencer's hands on his shoulders and looks up just as Spencer starts to push him back onto the bed. It should be strange, lying naked on his back and looking up at Spencer while he steps out of his underwear. And it is, but more than that it's thrilling. It sends heat through his entire body and has him hard already, aching and wanting even though he doesn't know what it is he wants, besides Spencer.

Spencer lays down next to him, on his side and pulls Brendon up to face him. Brendon's cock slides against Spencer's stomach and he gasps just as Spencer leans forward to kiss him. He rolls his hips forward, rubbing his cock along Spencer's belly and Spencer licks into his mouth and presses back, reaching out for Brendon's hand. He brings it down so Brendon's fingers are brushing over his cock and Brendon sucks in a breath.

"I'm assuming you've done this before right?" he asks, opening Brendon's fingers. Brendon has, so he wraps his hand around Spencer and gives an experimental squeeze.

"Yeah I have, for umm, Jon showed me how," Brendon tells him, leaning forward to rub his cheek against Spencer's, liking the way Spencer's beard felt against his skin.

"I'm sure he'd teach you this too, if you asked." Brendon just shakes his head and strokes Spencer slowly. "I'll take that as a no," Spencer says and laughs again, softer this time, little more than a huff of breath against Brendon's neck. "You'll probably want to get lower then." Spencer reaches out and pulls on Brendon's shoulders and Brendon follows it, sliding down Spencer's body and rubbing his cheek over the soft, pale skin of Spencer's thighs.

Spencer's cock is a little more intimidating this close than it was when he was much further away. It looks so... big and Brendon can't see how he's going to fit it in his mouth. He leans forward and licks at the head, watching Spencer's face to see if he's doing it right. Spencer nods and bites his lip. "Yeah, just like that. Use your tongue first, to get things wet and it'll be easier later." Brendon runs his tongue along the underside and up one side. When Spencer whispers his approval he opens his mouth wider and tries to take the head into his mouth.

_No teeth, no teeth, no teeth_, he tells himself, and judging by the sudden flex in Spencer's hips, he's doing something right. "If you wrap your hand around the base-" and the shortness of his breath makes Brendon smile wide around Spencer. "If you do that, you won't have to worry about taking too much at once." It's really good advice and this time, when Brendon closes his mouth around Spencer, he sucks lightly, and hums happily when he does it right. Spencer must really like that because his hips lift and he squeezes his hand around Brendon's shoulder.

He closes his eyes and does it again and then again, concentrating hard and trying to control how wet it is. "Brendon," Spencer tells him, cupping his face. It sounds like a warning and Brendon wonders what Spencer would be warning him for right now but Spencer's pulling on his shoulders, pushing him away so Brendon follows. Almost as soon as he's pulled off, Spencer's body tenses and he comes across Brendon's chest. It's different than when Jon did it, closer to his face and Brendon doesn't know what to think but Spencer keeps pulling until Brendon's practically laying on top of him.

"So good, Brendon, wow," Spencer says. He's grinning wide and for some reason won't stop touching Brendon's mouth. "You look," and he looks up into Brendon's eyes and his grin turns a little dirty. "You look like sin, Brendon. Your mouth is so pretty like this, spit-wet and bruised and you don't even know." Spencer pulls him down into a kiss, not minding the mess on Brendon's chest and Brendon knows he could learn to believe that, really easily so long as he had this forever.

 

Jon makes it down for breakfast before Ryan. It's early still; early enough that Jon's in nothing but his boxers, drinking a cup of coffee and reading the Sports section in front of the toaster, waiting for it to be done. There are scratch marks across Jon's back, long trails of reddened skin that Brendon wants to trace with his finger. Ryan and Spencer come down before he can, though. Spencer's dressed for the day and Ryan is still in his pajama bottoms and a v-neck t-shirt that shows the tail end of what Brendon is fairly certain are some fairly impressive hickeys. Ryan presses against Jon's back and whispers something in his ear that makes Jon laugh quietly and lean back. Brendon is so captivated by the tiny ring of bruises on Ryan's upper arms, just barely peeking out from underneath his sleeves that the toast popping up causes him to jump.

Ryan turns around to look at him and Brendon just shakes his head and turns back to making oatmeal. There's the sound of laughter behind him and when he turns around, Spencer and Ryan have each taken one of the slices of bread that Jon was toasting and Jon is giving them both the most over exaggerated sad face in the world. Brendon bursts out laughing and Jon sadfaces even harder. Spencer breaks off a piece of toast and shoves it in Jon's mouth before popping two more slices of bread into the toaster and pressing it down.

"Was that so hard, Jon?" Spencer asks, walking back to the table to butter his toast.

"That was my toast and you took it," Jon answers while chewing.  
It's habit born from years of his mothers telling him not to that makes him say, "Don't talk with your mouth full, Jon," while serving up the oatmeal.

There's silence behind him for a second and Brendon turns around, horrified that he'd spoken like that to Jon. He doesn't have to worry though, because Jon's grinning and pretending to glare at Spencer and Ryan, who are slumped over laughing.

"So that's how it is?" Jon asks and crosses his arms. It's over dramatic and Jon goes one better by pouting hilariously. He turns to Brendon, palming his hips and putting his back to Ryan and Spencer. "They taught this to you, right? They pulled you aside and told you exactly what to say to put me in my place."

Jon's batting his eyelashes at Brendon and Brendon has absolutely no idea what to say. He's almost certain Jon's joking but he never learned how to joke like this. '_You're sworn to secrecy_', Ryan mouths to him with a grin and Brendon tries to mirror it. "I'm sworn to secrecy?" he tells Jon and Jon lets out a whoop of laughter before pressing his mouth against Brendon's. Jon hasn't brushed yet, his mouth is sour with sleep and Brendon thinks he can feel the grainy aftertaste of toast but Jon's smiling, loose and easy so Brendon closes his eyes and kisses back.

"So I guess I'm serving up breakfast again?" Spencer asks over the paper and Brendon pulls away from Jon with a blush. He turns around and grabs the bowls off the counter, filling them with oatmeal.

"Don't be jealous just because you're the only one not getting any action this morning," Ryan tells him before leaning forward to press a kiss to Spencer's mouth. It's a bit of a surprise because Brendon's never seen them do it and though Jon doesn't react much, Brendon knows enough about him to see he's surprised too.

 

Ryan and Jon leave for work and Brendon helps Spencer with the breakfast dishes. Spencer tells him about his involved plans to rewire the lights in the backyard so they can entertain back there. Brendon's impressed and isn't expecting it when Spencer asks if he'll be calling Tom's neighbors today.

"I'm not sure I should," Brendon answers, drying a bowl. "I mean, it's not like I have much formal training and giving piano lessons, that's almost like a job and it's not my... umm." He stops himself from saying it isn't his place to have a job because Ryan has a job, a job he loves and Brendon's not entirely certain, but he thinks Spencer had a job back in Salt Lake City too.

"Well, if you feel strongly about that, Brendon, I guess you shouldn't. I just hope you know that the rest of us don't feel that way. I work too, you know," Spencer tells him and Brendon didn't know that, hadn't even guessed it but Spencer nods. "I do bookkeeping. You don't think all of the ledgers I work with are the household accounts do you?" Brendon had, he remembers one of his mothers doing the household accounts. She had a separate ledger for each of his father's wives and another for the communal family as a whole. Now that he thinks about it, of course Spencer wouldn't need separate ledgers for each of them, they didn't keep anything separate.

"It might be fun," Spencer continues. "It'll give you a chance to be out of the house and you'll be playing music." Spencer dries his hands and threads them with Brendon's, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "I'm not saying do it or don't do it, that's your decision. But don't dismiss it just because you think it won't be proper or anything. That's just stupid."

 

Tom's neighbors are the Henricksons, Bill and Barb. When Brendon calls Barb is happy to hear from him. She's meeting with a few of the other candidates after lunch and invites him to come last. After getting directions and confirming the time twice, Brendon puts down the phone.

He feels like he's going to throw up. He's going to go and meet strangers and they're going to ask him questions and Brendon has no idea what he's going to say or what he's going to wear. He can't wear... he knows how obvious his clothes are, especially now that it's so warm outside. "Spencer," he calls up the stairs. "Do you think I could borrow something to wear?"

Spencer's clearly excited about helping him dress. He brings in some of Ryan's clothes and even some of Jon's and sets it all on his bed along with some of his own. Brendon has to try things on, pulling one of Jon's shirts over his head and trying to squeeze into Ryan's jeans (which doesn't work even a little bit). Spencer likes the way one of his own t-shirts looks on Brendon but Brendon can't help but blanch at the idea of riding his bicycle all the way across town and meeting strangers with his arms so completely bare. It must show in his eyes because Spencer switches it out for one of his long sleeve button-downs and a pair of Jon's jeans. It's tighter than Brendon prefers to wear his clothes (though Jon's jeans being so tight is entirely his own fault. Spencer tells him they're not nearly so tight on Jon before running his hand over the curve of Brendon's rear with a grin.) but he knows that's the point so he nods and pulls them on.

Spencer makes peanut butter and jelly for lunch and normally, it's one of Brendon's favorite foods in the whole world but he can't seem to stop fidgeting, can't stop himself from wondering if the Henricksons are going to like him.

"Brendon," Spencer says, voice soft while he leans forward and rests his hand on the back of Brendon's wrist. "It's going to be fine. What's the worst that happens? They decide it won't work out? You don't get the job? That's not the end of the world." Spencer's right, so Brendon tucks into his lunch and resolves to calm down.

He's ridiculously grateful he can blame how much he's sweating on riding his bike the half mile or so to the Henrickson's. When he gets there, Barb offers him a glass of water and he accepts, wiping his brow on the handkerchief Spencer gave him while her back is turned. It's fairly straight forward, Barb asks him about his training and Brendon explains that he doesn't really have much and that he is mostly self-taught on a church piano. She asks about him having any prior experience and he tells her about teaching younger children in their congregation. They're all normal questions that Spencer had prepared him to answer.

"You know, Brendon," Barb tells him when he's getting ready to leave (it's late because they got a little absorbed in a conversation about their favorite hymns and Brendon is so proud of himself because he didn't mention a single one that was Fundamentalist). "I'll have to speak with Bill, but if I'm completely honest, I think I like you best of all our possible candidates. Most of the young people we've been speaking with are music students from the University and none of them really… fit in with our values. If you know what I mean? It would be reassuring to know that we weren't exposing our daughter to influences that weren't in line with our beliefs and it seems obvious you wouldn't do anything like that."

Brendon's eyes widen for a second because it feels dishonest to accept that kind of praise but he nods because it's what is expected. When Bill comes home, Brendon introduces himself and blushes when Bill shakes his hand, unused to that kind of familiarity from a stranger. He apologizes right away though, not wanting to give the wrong impression. Then explains that he's grown up in a very strict, Orthodox family and isn't used to being so familiar with men who weren't members of his family. Barb seems even more delighted by his explanation and after a brief exchange that involves raised eyebrows and significant looks that reminds Brendon of Ryan and Spencer, Bill turns back with a smile.

"So, Brendon, would you be willing to begin tomorrow?" he asks and Brendon wants to cry he's so happy.

"Really? I mean, yes, of course, yes! Really?" and he puts his hand over his mouth to stop himself, not wanting to be so forward with strangers but Barb just grins wider.

"Brendon, you don't know what a relief it will be to know our Alice will be around such a good influence. It's so comforting to find a young person today with a healthy concern for modesty. Those are exactly the kind of morals we're trying to teach Alice," she tells him and he can only nod. He knows his parents had said the same thing about him going to school in town with children who weren't from the compound.

"_Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the spirit of God dwelleth in you?_" he quotes back to them and knows from their matching smiles that it was exactly the right answer.

 

Brendon rides home in something of a daze. They liked him, they hired him. He has a job! More than that, they're like him, they understand the importance of modesty and the church and he'll be able to talk to them. Not tell them the truth, at least not all of it, but they'll understand, more than Ryan or Spencer or Jon, they'll know.

Ryan and Jon's cars are in the driveway when he gets home and he bursts through the front door shouting, "They chose me! They chose me!" Ryan and Jon look up from where they're making dinner in the kitchen and Spencer pauses on the staircase and everyone just stands there frozen for just a second before they all come running at him. There is jumping and cheering and hugging and kissing and Brendon is so happy he could burst, leaning back against Spencer, squeezing Ryan more tightly to him and tipping his face up into Jon's kiss. It's the best feeling in the world, being surrounded by this much love.

They go out for ice cream after dinner, Jon insists on it and they take it to a park and eat at one of the picnic tables. It's fun, spending time outside of the house with the three of them and it's even more fun when Ryan drops the top half of his cone and they all get to laugh about it. It just means Ryan starts leaning over to take a bite of everyone else's though and Brendon doesn't mind that either. Not even when Ryan decides he likes Brendon's the best and keeps leaning into Brendon's space, swiping his tongue across the top of Brendon's ice cream cone.

It's Brendon's idea to play on the playground. It's been years since he was last able to play on the swings and tonight, when he's already breaking the rules about what a boywife can and cannot do, he wants to more than ever. Ryan comes with him, pushing him higher and higher while Spencer and Jon play on the teeter-totter. Brendon laughs. There's nothing particularly funny that he's laughing at but he feels like if he doesn't laugh, if he can't express how happy he is right now, messing around on a playground in the middle of the night -and 9:30 feels like the middle of the night, there's no one around and most of the houses are dark. It's almost like they're the only people left in the world and Brendon wouldn't mind that, not one bit- he'll burst.

Ryan reaches out and stops him, pulling Brendon up close to his chest. He looks back over his shoulder at Ryan, giving him a huge smile and Ryan leans in to kiss him. His mouth is still cold from the ice cream and he tastes like chocolate and strawberry but Brendon figures he does too so he kisses back. It's not comfortable, it couldn't be with Brendon twisting around like he is but then Ryan wraps his arms around Brendon's chest and Brendon doesn't really care how comfortable it is anymore. He pulls away when he feels someone touching his thigh. When he looks over it's Spencer tapping him and Jon is right behind him.

"Let's go home," Spencer says, reaching for Brendon's hand and pulling him to stand up.

When they get home, Jon puts his arm around Brendon's shoulders. And it's not that Brendon forgot tonight was his night and that he and Jon have... plans, but it did get pushed aside in all the excitement. He looks up at Jon, leaning against him and Jon gives him a shy smile. It's sweet, all things considered and Jon is the nervous one so Brendon leans up to kiss his cheek and whispers, "Let's go to bed," in Jon's ear.

He starts pulling off his shirt as soon as Jon closes the door behind him, wanting to get undressed and under the covers, his hands shaking a bit with anticipation. It was a lot easier to be bold on the staircase. Jon rests his hand against the curve of his shoulder, stepping forward and pulling Brendon back against his chest.

"Don't be nervous, Brendon," Jon tells him, running his hand down Brendon's chest. "Nothing's going to happen unless you want it to." Brendon leans back against Jon, closing his eyes and letting the steady rise and fall of Jon's chest calm him down. It does and Brendon reaches up to lace his fingers with Jon's over the center of his chest. "C'mon, we should take a shower."  
Considering what they're planning to do, Brendon thinks a shower might be a really great idea so he lets Jon lead him to the bathroom. Jon starts the water and Brendon turns away to work on the buttons to Spencer's shirt. He's only unbuttoned it halfway when Jon's fingers join his. They're warm and slightly damp from the water but sure and steady so Brendon lets him take it from there.

"I like the way this looks on you," and Brendon could blame it on the steam that's beginning to fill the room, but they both know that's not why his cheeks are flushed with color. "And not just because you fill out my jeans like I never could." Once it's unbuttoned completely, Jon slips Spencer's shirt off his shoulders, dropping it on the floor before reaching for the button on the jeans Brendon borrowed from Jon. "It's like we went with you, like we were there and you didn't have to face it alone. I almost wish you'd brought one of Ryan's scarves." Brendon likes that, thinking about Jon and Spencer's clothes as a piece of them he was able to take with him, a physical reminder that he isn't alone.

It makes him smile and he wants to tell Jon that he understands, that he knows and doesn't need the physical reminders but Jon interrupts his thoughts by dropping to his knees. He pulls the jeans and underwear down over Brendon's hips and keeps going until all that's left for Brendon to do is step out of them. He keeps his hands braced on Jon's shoulders to do it and as soon as he has both feet on the ground again Jon turns his face to the side and sucks hard at Brendon's wrist before standing up and kissing him. He pulls Brendon close and Brendon can't decide whether to concentrate on the slide of Jon's tongue against his or the scratchy softness of Jon's shirt against Brendon's bare skin. Jon solves the problem for him by turning away to strip down, pushing Brendon towards the shower.

The water's hot, not too hot but hotter than Brendon would normally have it. This is how Jon showers and he leans into the pounding water, dropping his head forward to wet his hair. He's aware, as always, of how luxurious it is to be able to spend as much time as he wants like this. There aren't any brothers, sisters or mothers banging on the door, reminding him that he only has two and a half more minutes.

There's cold air along his back and knows it's Jon stepping into the shower. He breaks out into a grin even before Jon touches him; hand on his shoulder and leaning forward to press his mouth to the top of Brendon's spine.

Jon washes Brendon's hair, massaging shampoo and then conditioner into his scalp before tipping his head back into the spray to rinse it out. Brendon loves the way Jon touches him, always welcomes the care and desire evident every caress and brush of fingers, but it feels even better right now. Jon's hands rubbing soap over his chest and stomach, the shower soft scrape of his beard across Brendon's neck when he leans in kiss him there; it makes him ache inside for more. It's not exactly a surprise when Jon drops to his knees, mouth hot around his cock for just a second before he pulls off and kisses Brendon's hip.

"Back up," he says, both hands on Brendon's hips and flecks of water on his eyelashes while he looks up Brendon's body with heat in his eyes. Brendon does what he asks, bracing his hands against the tile, not completely certain what it was Jon was going to do, but willing, more than willing. He parts his thighs when Jon rests his hands on Brendon's hips, fingertips trailing across the curve of his ass.

He's ready when Jon slides one finger through his cleft. He's also ready when he presses one fingertip against his opening and closes his mouth around Brendon's cock. All of it together is a bit overwhelming though. So it is entirely not his fault when he startles and moans "Jon," much louder than is probably polite, given how close Spencer and Ryan's rooms are. Jon doesn't stop though, just rubs his finger across Brendon's hole and sucks him deeper.

Brendon tilts his hips forward, silently asking for more, biting his lip and dropping his head back against the tiles. It's already too much and not enough and Brendon's shaking with want, aching for more and thrusting his hips forward into Jon's mouth and then backwards against his fingers in search of it. He comes with a groan, slumping backward to hold himself up and trying to remember how to move. Jon rests his face against Brendon's hip for a second before standing and kissing Brendon's cheek.

He leaves Jon to finish up in the shower, wrapping himself in a towel and stepping into his bedroom. The bed doesn't look near as frightening now. In fact, Brendon can't help the shiver of anticipation that runs up his spine while he's drying off.

"Cold?" Jon asks, stepping up behind him and enfolding him in a hug before Brendon can answer. He leans back into Jon, rolling his hips backward. Brendon's disappointed when he feels the soft scratch of a towel against his ass and not Jon's skin. He shakes his head, reaching back to squeeze Jon's hip, thumb dipping below the towel. Jon takes the hint and reaches between them to pull it off.

Brendon turns in Jon's arms, brushing against him and gasping when his cock rubs against Jon's. "Jon," he says, leaning forward for a kiss and wrapping his arms around Jon's neck. He's kissed back and Jon pushes him down, riding him down to the bed so he hits the mattress with Jon's weight pressing against his hips. Jon's hair is still wet and Brendon tangles his fingers in it, parting his lips and spreading his thighs. "I want," he gasps against Jon's mouth. "I want to... please."

He didn't expect Jon to tease him, but Jon's hands reaching for his hips, lifting him up further onto the bed is still something of a shock. His cheeks heat and he blushes hard when Jon reaches for the bedside table and pulls out a small bottle of lube. Jon must have put that there. He must have come in and put that bottle there because he knew they'd be doing this. He clenches his fists in the bedding while Jon opens it, spilling slick into his palm. Brendon's nearly shaking with how much he wants this, needs this, is terrified of this. Jon leans forward though, kissing him deeply, tongue sliding against Brendon's and it's something to concentrate on, something to focus on besides the heavy pit of need in his belly.

He moans when Jon presses his fingers against his entrance, slick slide of one finger, slowly pressing in. It's not like before, not like Jon's office at all. It's wetter and deeper, like there's no way to confuse why they're doing this. Jon's finger brushes against that place that makes Brendon shiver and he arches back, silently asking for more. There's a second finger then, sliding in and it's tighter now, a little less comfortable but Brendon just rolls his hips back onto them. Jon twists his fingers, slowly, so very, very slowly, inside of Brendon and Brendon doesn't want to wait, he doesn't want this slow, he wants more and now and he whines a little, pushing back. "Please, Jon, more, please."

Maybe Jon's feeling just as impatient or maybe he just knows that Brendon means it because just like that he's pressing a third finger inside. He bites his lip because it does hurt, a little, a weird stretch and burn that he tries to relax around. "Shhh, Brendon," Jon soothes, whispering it against his mouth so it's more breath and the light press of lips than actual sound. "Just relax, we don't have to, I swear we don't-"

"No!" and that's louder than he meant it to be but there is no way they're stopping now. "I want to, it's just, it's a lot." He lets go of his death grip on the comforter to grab hold of Jon's arm, breathing deep and rocking back ever so slightly so Jon can see how much he wants this. Jon twists his fingers again and reaches down for Brendon's cock. He slowly strokes in time with the press of his fingers and it's not long before Brendon's precome is painting his own belly and Jon's fist. "I can, now, now is good, Jon." he doesn't mean to be impatient but he _wants_; he wants so much he almost can't think clearly.

Jon just huffs a laugh against his throat and pulls his fingers out. Brendon can't help the disappointed moan he makes when he's empty again but it's followed quickly by Jon's hand on his thigh. He spreads Brendon's legs and Brendon can see his other hand slicking himself before he's leaning up again, stretching out over Brendon to kiss him. Brendon wants to groan with impatience, wants to buck his hips back against Jon so that he will understand how much he needs this but he can feel Jon's hand between them, lining himself up, so he keeps quiet.

It doesn't hurt when Jon slides inside, not like with Jon's fingers. He feels full, so full and he arches back, biting his lip and seeking more, trying not to be greedy or over-eager (his mother warned against seeming over-eager for your husband) but not being able to help it. Jon's being so _careful_ and Brendon knows he knows best but it's not enough. "Jon, I'm fine, please, just-" and he doesn't know what else to say. How else can he articulate wanting Jon's cock inside of him, wanting to wrap his legs around Jon and arch back? "_Please_," he repeats, in the absence of something better. "Please, please, please." Jon thrusts into him just as the last 's' is tapering off and it ends in a sharp intake of breath.

"Brendon, oh, fucking hell, Brendon," and Brendon should be scandalized by this kind of language but it just makes him dig his heels into the back of Jon's thighs and wrap his arms around his shoulders, moaning. He rolls his hips back, seeking more and deeper and Jon gives it to him, pushing in with a groan. Jon reaches between them, wraps his hand around Brendon's cock and strokes him in time with his thrusts, encouraging every roll of Brendon's hips forward. "I didn't, _fuck_, I didn't know you'd be like this."

"You thought about me?" Brendon can't help asking, biting his lower lip to cut off a groan.

Jon just laughs, leaning in to bite Brendon's throat. "Of course I did. Your ass, Brendon, fuck. You were made for this." It's shameful how much he likes hearing it but it's good that Jon desires him, that Jon wants his body like this. It means they can do this as often as Jon wants, as often as Brendon wants and Jon will want it too. "You're so beautiful, Brendon." Jon says it softly, almost like he can't believe he can talk to him like this. He twists his wrist over Brendon's cock and just that quickly Brendon's freezing in place, coming hard into Jon's fist.

Jon strokes him through it, riding it out with quick thrusts into him. Brendon can only hold on as tightly as he can and kiss back when Jon leans in to press his mouth to Brendon's. It's mostly tongue and lips, Brendon moaning into Jon's mouth and Jon's hips stuttering against Brendon. He watches Jon coming apart, coming inside of him with a low groan.

"I meant what I said," Jon says later, once Brendon's heart's stopped racing quite so fast and he's curled up along Jon's side, half on top of him. Jon's fingers are carding through his hair and Brendon feeling too lazy to do more than _hmmm_ inquisitively. "About you being beautiful." Brendon doesn't say anything; he knows he's pleasant to look at, though he is pleased Jon thinks so too. Jon tilts his face up though, one hand cupping his chin. "The way you make Spencer smile and Ryan almost show emotions, you make us beautiful too." he kisses Brendon then, slow and chaste and sweeter than anything Brendon's ever felt before. "I'm glad you're here with us, Brendon Walker."

Brendon feels tears pricking his eyes and leans in to press his face into Jon's neck. There aren't words for how much that means to him, how happy he is to be a Walker; like Spencer, like Ryan, like Jon.

 

Jon wakes him up in the morning with his mouth around Brendon's cock. His hair is mussed, falling into his eyes and this is probably Brendon's favorite morning ever. He arches up, running his fingers through Jon's hair and blushing at how loudly he moans. Jon's touching himself. Brendon can tell from the way his arm is moving and steady rhythm of his shoulder. He's moaning around Brendon's cock like there's no place he'd rather be either and just like that, Brendon's coming into Jon's mouth. Jon swallows before pulling off. He moves up Brendon's body and doesn't stop the steady rhythm of his hand.

Jon kisses him; sleep stale taste of Jon's mouth combined with the salty taste of Brendon. It makes Brendon moan and part his thighs wider, more than willing to have Jon inside of him again. Even if he is a little sore. Jon just shakes his head though and keeps stroking himself, the backs of his knuckles rubbing against Brendon's belly. He comes with a groan, spilling across Brendon's stomach and chest.

"Morning," Jon whispers into his ear, rubbing his come into Brendon's skin and making Brendon blush something fierce. "We'd better get going or we're both going to be late for work." And yeah, today is Brendon's first day of working. His job, the one he has that he's going to be getting paid for. It's so exciting.

He pulls a t-shirt on and makes his way down to the kitchen, taking the bowl of oatmeal Spencer hands him and ignoring the huge grin on Ryan's face. It turns into a full out laugh when Brendon squirms a little after sitting down. He's not in any pain, just oddly sore in places he's never been before. He balls up his napkin and throws it at Ryan's head but Ryan ducks it easily, digging in to his oatmeal. Spencer rubs his shoulder for just a second before sitting down next to him with the paper; highlighting something on the stock page.

Brendon can't help blushing when Jon sits down across from him, in his usual spot between Spencer and Ryan. He ducks his head again, staring at his oatmeal like he expects it to do tricks and when he looks back up again, Jon's still grinning at him. He licks his lips when their eyes meet and Brendon's eyes go wide before he ducks his head again, knowing his entire face is beet red.

"_Jonathan Jacob Walker_," and Brendon can hear the recrimination in Spencer's tone.

"What?" Jon says and when Brendon looks up he's giving Spencer the widest, most fake looking expression of innocence that Brendon has ever seen. Spencer raises a single cutting eyebrow and Jon pouts before looking imploringly at Ryan. "I can still trade inappropriate innuendo over breakfast with you, right?"

Ryan gives him a dirty grin and Brendon's almost certain he's about to engage in some of that innuendo but Brendon feels the need to cut in. "I don't mind," he says, stirring his oatmeal. "I'm not, you know, used to it, but I don't mind. It's umm, it's kind of nice, that Jon… I don't mind." He's blushing even harder now but Jon's foot brushes against his under the table and when he meets his gaze Jon smiling for him. So it's not all bad.

 

Brendon showers and dresses in one of his least obviously homespun slacks, borrowing a white, button-down shirt from Jon. He takes one last look at himself in the mirror, making certain he looks professional, before heading down stairs. Spencer's waiting by the door. Brendon knows he has a list of errands but clearly, he's put them all off in order to see Brendon off to work. He's fiddling with his hair, patting down cowlicks on his way out the door when Spencer grabs hold of him by the hips, hauling him in close.

"Good luck and knock 'em dead," he says, dropping a kiss to the corner of Brendon's mouth and wrapping his arms around Brendon's waist. It feels good so Brendon leans into it, pulling Spencer close and soaking up reassurance from the solidness of his body. "You'll do great, Brendon," Spencer whispers, lips brushing against Brendon's before he turns to kiss Brendon properly. Brendon parts his lips, closing his eyes when Spencer's tongue slides against his own. It doesn't last very long but when Spencer steps away from him, they're both smiling and Brendon doesn't feel quite so ready to jump out of his skin from nerves.

The lesson itself goes well. Alice is a beginner, but Brendon has plenty of experience teaching beginners back on the compound. More importantly though, she's a fast learner. Barb invites him to stay for lunch afterwards and Brendon accepts. They spend lunch talking to Alice about exercises she can do between lessons and setting up a solid schedule with Barb. They agree on lessons twice a week and Alice promises to practice every day.

It's a long ride home but Brendon hardly notices because this must be the best day in the history of the world. It's like he's floating on a cloud. Ryan and Spencer are making dinner when he gets home, both of them standing next to each other, bent over the stove. Brendon hugs them both at once, burying his face in the back of Ryan's neck and grinning so wide it almost hurts.

"I'm guessing your first day went well?" Someone else would miss the slight inflection that means Ryan's amused and happy, but not Brendon.

"Perfect first day. Best first day! How can I help?" He looks over Spencer's shoulder, at the sauce it looks like he's trying to make from scratch.

 

Brendon's worried for a second when dinner is ready and Jon still isn't home. One look at the calendar tell him why though. _Council Meeting_ is written in block lettering on today's date. "So, are we going to be eating without him?" he asks and Spencer nods so Brendon starts serving up plates. They take their time with dinner, drawing it out to nearly two hours and Jon still isn't home. There's tension in Spencer's shoulders while they do the dishes and clean the kitchen. Ryan keeps pressing one hand between his shoulder blades, dropping kisses against his cheek but nothing seems to make it go away.

"I was thinking about reading for a bit, Brendon. Would you mind playing for me?" Spencer finally asks. It's nearly eleven and Jon still isn't home. Ryan's been holding Spencer's hand for the last five minutes while Spencer obsessively cleaned a stain off the countertop. Brendon nods, making his way to his piano and playing the most soothing songs he knows. When he looks back to the couch, Spencer's tucked against Ryan's side, pretending to read the book Ryan's reading but he keeps sneaking glances at the door and the clock. He looks away far too often to be reading much.

 

It's a little after one and Brendon is running out of hymns that aren't sad when they finally hear a car in the driveway. It doesn't sound like Jon's car, but one look at Spencer's face tells him he recognizes it at least and he's grateful to hear it. There's a knock and some muffled speaking and Spencer gets up to answer the door.

It's Tom and he has Jon with him, sort of. Jon's leaning against Tom, head on his chest and eyes closed and Tom has both arms around Jon, clearly holding him up. "Oh, hey Spence," Jon says when he opens his eyes and sees the three of them. His lisp is somehow even worse, the 'S' in Spencer seemingly lasting forever. Ryan gets up and heads upstairs without looking back and Brendon stays where he is, huddled in the doorway to the living room. He doesn't know what he should do or what he should say. He's never seen anyone drunk before; listening to Ryan's dad that awful they were almost kicked out doesn't count. Despite that, he has no doubt that's exactly what's wrong with Jon.

"Brendon, go get a few bottles of water from the fridge and bring them upstairs," Spencer tells him, voice tight. Tom glances at him then, the same look he always gives Brendon, like he forgot Brendon was there, like he forgot Brendon belongs there. Brendon doesn't like being on the receiving end of that look at the best of times. He hates it, if he's being honest and he certainly won't stand for it when Tom's brought their husband home _drunk_ to the point that he can't walk. He lifts his chin and watches Tom with a steady stare for a few seconds before turning back to the kitchen to do as Spencer says.

It's Spencer's night with Jon so he brings the water there; listening on the way up to Spencer and Tom pushing Jon down onto the bed, telling him to stop trying to get up. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't think to call you, okay? I just figured he already had," Tom's telling Spencer, pulling Jon's shirt off. Spencer's in the bathroom, digging through his medicine cabinet from the sound of things.

"It doesn't matter, thank you for bringing him home," Spencer answers, setting what looks like aspirin on the bedside table. Tom rolls his eyes and throws Jon's shirt at Spencer's head.

"Jesus. Does Jon actually take it when you shovel the bullshit this deep?" Tom asks. Spencer folds his arms across his chest, mouth pressed in a tight line and Tom lets out a deep breath. "Look, bad timing but I kind of wanted to ask you about having that dinner, maybe tomorrow?"

Brendon clutches the water bottles to his chest because he forgot to tell Spencer about that. He doesn't know how Tom wanting to stop being a jerk and have an actual meal with all of them managed to slip his mind but Spencer's shaking his head anyway. "Tomorrow is… tomorrow isn't good, Jon's with Ryan tomorrow and I'm not taking him out for dinner with you on Ryan's night with him."

"I meant the dinner with all of us. You know, like I told Brendon?" Tom answer. Brendon's starting to think maybe he should leave the bottles outside the door and get out.

"You wanted to eat with all of us?" If it were anyone but Tom, they'd probably have an excuse to be offended by how surprised Spencer sounds.

"Well, yeah. You guys are my friends and it's kind of not cool that I don't even know your new spouses. And just because it's not something I'd choose, doesn't mean I should cut you guys out or whatever." Brendon can practically hear Tom shrugging. "Jon's my best friend, but we were pretty fucking close for a while and it's douchey of me to cut you out and make you feel bad for your marriage and stuff."

There's silence for a second and when Brendon looks over at Spencer he can see Spencer's grinning. "So you thought the answer for that was to invite yourself over to my house and angle for some kind of dinner party in your honor?"

Tom laughs and Brendon finds himself a little jealous of the easy familiarity between them for a second, coveting the friendship Spencer has with someone outside of the three of them. "C'mon now, everyone loves a party and it's not like you want me to cook."

 

When Brendon comes downstairs the next morning, Ryan is furiously cramming oatmeal into his mouth as fast as he can. He's already dressed for work, and Spencer doesn't look the tiniest bit surprised at Ryan's behavior so Brendon sits down and silently begins packing away his own breakfast.

He hears Jon on the stairs and turns to greet him, not missing the way Ryan freezes for a second before pushing back from the table and standing up. They meet in the doorway for a second, Jon blinking and rubbing his head. He freezes when he sees Ryan and for just a second, reaches out for him. Ryan flinches back and Jon winces, dropping his hand to his side. He murmurs something that sounds like "Sorry," and steps back so Ryan can pass by without touching him.

Spencer sets down a bowl of oatmeal and juice at Jon's place and sits down himself. He's not frowning or scowling, he doesn't have the same stone faced look of betrayal that Ryan did, but Brendon can see he's unhappy from the tense line of his shoulders.

"Spence, I'm really-" Jon begins but Spencer holds up one hand, effectively cutting him off.

"In the future, I'd appreciate a phone call letting us know you won't make dinner and that you'll be drinking," he says, spooning brown sugar into his bowl and not looking at Jon. "That way, we won't hold off on eating and Ryan can be elsewhere whenever you do make it home. If you could pay us this courtesy, we'd be very grateful." Spencer goes back to his oatmeal after that and Jon… Jon doesn't look happy.

His mouth presses into a thin line and he shakes his head before thinking better of it, biting his lip and looking pained. "Don't do this good First Boywife bullshit, Spencer Walker, don't you fucking dare." And Brendon's eyes widen and he looks down at the table, wondering if he should get up.

"I **am** a good First Boywife, Jon," and Spencer's voice is colder than Brendon's ever heard it. "So I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't play this 'please be courteous' crap with me, get mad, get angry, yell at me, say horribly cutting things," Brendon looks up and Jon's reaching out for Spencer's hand. "Don't pretend things are okay when they're not."

Spencer's chair scrapes loudly over the kitchen tiles when he shoves it back, standing up before Jon can take his hand. He brings his bowl to the sink and starts rinsing it out. "Someone from the Council could drop by at any time, Jon. We hardly need you hungover, Ryan at work and me shrieking at you like a harpy to be their impression of us. This is the price we pay-"

"**Don't** talk to me about price, Spencer. Don't even. You don't have to sit in those Council meetings every other month and vote on things that you _know_ are wrong, that go against everything you believe in just because…" Jon trails off and gets up too, pushes his chair back and steps up to Spencer.

"Don't you blame this on Ryan!" Spencer's mouth wobbles for just a moment after he says it, backing away and it shows on his face that he knows exactly how much that was the wrong thing to say.

Jon looks like he's about to cry for a second and he steps away, pulling his hand back close to his body like he's been burned and all Brendon wants is to melt into the floor or burst into tears. Jon turns away and closes his eyes. "I have to go get ready for work," he says and walks out of the kitchen.

Spencer bites his lip and Brendon is almost certain he's about to cry. He turns away when Brendon steps forward, straightens his back. "Tell Jon that Tom's coming over for dinner tonight please, Brendon. Ask him to pick up a small bottle of wine for him." Spencer's voice sounds like his throat's been scraped with glass but Brendon can take a hint. If Spencer wants to be alone for a moment, Brendon can give it to him.

Brendon shifts from foot to foot at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for Jon, and he beams up the stairs at him when Jon appears, briefcase in hand, tie neatly tied. "I'm supposed to let you know Tom's coming for dinner tonight and ask you to please pick up some wine for him," Brendon tells him while he walks down the steps. "But mostly I just want my morning kiss." It makes Jon smile and that's all Brendon really wanted, so he considers it a victory.

They're standing in the foyer and Jon cups Brendon's face, tilting it up and leaning in. "Don't think I regret anything that brought you to us, Brendon," Jon says before their mouths meet. It was supposed to be a soft peck, the goodbye kiss they usually all line up for in the mornings but something in Brendon's stomach tightens when he hears Jon. It's not that he doesn't know how fond Jon is of him, or of Ryan, but Jon himself admitted he only ever did any of this for Spencer.

He parts his lips, gripping tightly to Jon's bicep, whimpering quietly into their kiss. He wants to tell Jon he loves him, that he loves all of them, that he knows Spencer loves Jon, loves them all, that they're going to be okay. But he doesn't know how. It sounds ridiculous, even in his head so he just holds Jon close and kisses him with everything he has, tries to let him feel it in the press of Brendon's mouth, the line of Brendon's body.

Jon breaks their kiss, reluctantly pulling away with a glance at Brendon's mouth before looking up. He doesn't say _I love you. Please make up with Spencer. Don't leave it like this. Never leave us. Tell me you love me. Tell me you love us_ before finally managing to choke out, "Have a good day at work, Jon." Jon runs his thumb over Brendon's cheek once and kisses Brendon's forehead before turning and leaving.

Brendon's alone in the foyer and he doesn't like it. Whether he's ready or not, Brendon's going back to the kitchen and he and Spencer are going to figure out what the hell they're doing for the little dinner party Tom invited himself to last night. There's work to be done. He can worry later.

When Brendon gets back into the kitchen, Spencer has the breakfast dishes clean and set aside to dry on the drainboard. He's sitting at the table with a legal pad and a pen, absently chewing the end. "Spencer, are you-" he's not sure what else to say so he lets it hang there. He doesn't know how to phrase 'are you still angry about nearly making our husband cry over you being in love with your best friend?' in a way that doesn't sound nearly as judgmental.

"I know I said we weren't doing anything special for Tom, but I'm thinking some sort of surf and turf isn't really trying all that hard and the effort will mostly be on Jon's part, since he's the one who has to do the grilling," Spencer barely glances up at him before going back to the legal pad, making a list of things they'll need. "What do you think about steak and shrimp?"

It's fancy, but Tom is a friend of theirs. A friend of Jon and Spencer's and maybe after today he'll be a friend of Ryan and Brendon's too. "We can do potatoes and spinach with it?" he asks, sitting down and writing out the ingredients for his chocolate cake recipe. He looks up in time to catch Spencer reading the list upside down and smiling. "I thought I might give it another chance." Maybe he's blushing a little, because the last one didn't turn out very well and he'll be mortified if he manages to topple this one over too, but he's willing to give it a try.

 

They go to the grocery store together, which isn't the best use of their time but Spencer doesn't seem to want to be alone, Brendon knows how that feels so he asks to come along, pretending not to be sure about what kind of filling he wants to put in the cake. Spencer grips the cart too tightly, knuckles turning slightly white around the bar until Brendon takes over. Then he just holds tightly to the list and makes steady, meticulous work of getting every item on the list.

When Brendon does the shopping on his own, or with Ryan, he goes down the list and grabs things as they come, occasionally adding things if they're on sale or he thinks they might need or want them. Spencer however, has some sort of carefully planned method of attack and he combs each aisle for exactly what they need. He shakes his head multiple times when Brendon picks something up with a "Ryan would like-" or "Jon was saying-". The fact is, Spencer is clearly some sort of shopping guru because after only something like fifteen minutes at the store, they've got nearly everything on the list except the fresh items.

Spencer heads for the deli first and Brendon follows. He's wondering if this kind of shopping skill is part of Spencer's first boywife abilities. "_Excuse me_?" Spencer's saying when Brendon catches up, voice clearly indicating the gentleman behind the counter is most certainly not excused for anything. His arms are crossed and he has one eyebrow raised in that cutting way Brendon never wants to see directed at himself.

"We don't have fresh shrimp today, sir. We're very sorry and we'll be more than happy to fill out a rain-check for you-"

"I don't _want_ a rain-check," Spencer cuts him off, voice that particular brand of icy Brendon's heard about more than seen. "Just what sort of grocery store is this that you don't even have shrimp?"

"There was a problem with the shipment, sir, we're very sorry-"

"Sorry isn't good enough!" It's probably the second time Brendon's ever heard Spencer raise his voice and Spencer's biting his lip like he's trying to keep himself from saying something else. His eyes are suspiciously wet looking.

"We need to use the bathroom, Sir, we'll be right back. Please watch our cart," Brendon says to the man behind the counter before grabbing Spencer's wrist and dragging him back towards the bathrooms. He pushes into the bathroom and shoves Spencer into a stall, closing the door behind them. "Are you about to cry?"

For a second, Spencer looks like he might hit him. Brendon knows that that's technically his right and flinches, preparing for it. Spencer deflates then, leaning against the side of the stall and sighing. "It's not been a really good day in general, Brendon. The last thing I need is to add stress over Tom's stupid dinner party."

"You said we weren't going to-"

"That's what I said and yet, here I am, worrying about it and making it a big deal." And if Spencer's mocking himself, Brendon's pretty sure this is going to be okay.

"Hey," he says, reaching for Spencer's hand and lacing their fingers together. "Even if we have to change the menu, we're still going to make a great dinner. It'll make an awesome impression on Tom. You know he'll love my cake and Ryan will completely win him over with how unimpressed he is by him." He squeezes Spencer's hand. "I know it's important to you, that Tom likes us."

"It shouldn't, I'm so sorry that I'm being this selfish. You and Ryan and Jon are my family and my friends now. I don't need..." Spencer looks away, like the graffiti on the opposite wall of the stall is really interesting, suddenly. "He was our friend when we didn't have anything but each other. I had twelve brothers, ten sisters and five mothers. I thought it would be okay, that I wouldn't miss them when I was married. But... we were so alone, Brendon. And when Jon was in class, sometimes I felt like I was completely alone, an apostate wandering the world by myself. But Tom was there and he'd hug me or make me a sandwich or beg me to help him with his Calculus homework."

"We'd sit next to each other and watch bad television until Jon got home. He was an awful housemate He lost every set of keys we gave him and he'd wander around in the dead of winter with nothing but a hoodie to keep him warm and he couldn't make anything but microwave pizza and sandwiches but he was my friend. He made me laugh and stayed out of my and Jon's arguments and he was Jon's witness at our wedding. We lost him, when we went back. Me more than Jon because I'm the reason Jon went back and we both know. But he's trying now and it's a second chance and I want it so badly, Brendon"

Spencer leans forward then, resting his forehead against Brendon before kissing him. "I know he'll like me and Ryan, Spencer," Brendon says against Spencer's mouth. "I know because there's no way he's stupid. You'd never be so close with someone who's stupid and he'd have to be stupid not to like us. We're going to go and get chicken to go with the steak and we'll have a barbecue and he'll love it and all five of us are going to be the best of friends.

Spencer kisses him again, stands up straight and pulls Brendon close and Brendon holds on as tight as he can, wishing he could make everything Spencer wants happen for him. He can do what he can though. When they finally leave the stall and Brendon's back at the deli while Spencer goes ahead to buy fresh vegetables, Brendon resolves to make sure tonight goes perfectly.

 

By the time Ryan gets home the steak and chicken are marinating and Brendon's cakes are already cooling on the counter. Brendon and Spencer are on the back porch, sorting through a box of white Christmas lights and mostly managing to tangle Brendon up in the process. Ryan's in a much better mood than he was this morning. That much is obvious from the little almost smile on his face and Brendon reaches out imploringly. "Help me!" he shouts, hopping towards Ryan.

"Don't break those lights," Spencer warns, trying to hide a grin by grabbing one of the strands Brendon hasn't tangled himself in and turning to hang them. Ryan rolls his eyes but does as he's asked, stripping off his jacket and vest and starting carefully from one end.

"What are the lights for?" Ryan asks once he's got Brendon almost halfway free.

"For the dinner party," Spencer answers, still facing away and straightening the string of lights.

"Tom's coming over," Brendon explains, stepping out of the last of the cords with a grin. "We're having chicken and steaks and Spencer and I thought it might be nice to have some extra lights out here."

"Tom?" Ryan asks, mouth a thin line, "Tom Conrad? Tom I-don't-like-polygamy-so-I'm-going-to-cut-you-out-of-my-life-and-make-you-cry Conrad?"

"Don't be overdramatic, Ryan. No one cried," Spencer shoots back, climbing down and reaching for another strand.

"Don't lie, Spencer. _You_ cried every night you weren't with Jon. Don't act like Jon and I couldn't hear," Ryan answers, arm folded in front of him.

"He wants to start over again. He asked for a second chance so I extended an invitation to dinner," Spencer has his arms folded too, explaining everything in that calming way he has.

"Don't we get a say in who is or isn't invited to our home?" And that's not right, Ryan has no right to say that to Spencer.

"Spencer's First, if he wants to invite Gordon B. Hinkley himself into our home we'll welcome him with a smile!" Brendon holds his head up, keeping eye contact with Ryan and biting his lip because maybe Ryan doesn't want to hear it, but it's true and it's inappropriate for Ryan to speak like that to Spencer.

"Brendon," Spencer lays his hand on Brendon's arm and Brendon turns to him. "That's not how it works, everyone is equally important in this house and everyone's feelings should be taken into account. But Ryan knows Tom is a very close friend of our husband's and as such, we should all be welcoming to him." Spencer looks over at Ryan then and Brendon can see he's about to say something Ryan won't like. "Jon's picking up a bottle of wine and I strongly suspect he and Tom will be drinking it. I expect you won't be rude enough to voice your disapproval."

Ryan opens his mouth like he's going to say something but clearly thinks better of it. He excuses himself to change out of his work clothes and Spencer watches him go back into the house. Brendon wraps his arms around Spencer's chest, hugging him from behind and kissing his neck. He doesn't say anything, because he knows how complicated this is. He knows how much all of this is hurting Spencer. So he just holds tight until Spencer shrugs him and tries to make him smile while they finish putting up the lights.

 

Brendon is carefully frosting the cake when Jon's car pulls up in the driveway, Tom's truck right behind it. Ryan's cutting carrots and tomatoes for the salad and he flinches at the sound of Jon's keys in the door. Brendon backs away from his cake (there will be no repeats of the Cake Disaster, not tonight) and leans his hip against the counter by Ryan's side. He has his back to door because he needs to say this to Ryan and he doesn't want Jon or Tom to overhear.

"Ryan, please don't do this," he whispers against Ryan's ear, one hand on the small of Ryan's back. "I understand if you're still mad at Tom and you don't want to be his friend. But if you can't do it for you, do it for Jon and if you can't do it for our husband, can't you please be good for Spencer?" He bites his lip, because he's not supposed to know everything he knows but at the same time, this needs to be said. "After everything Spencer's done for both of us, isn't it the least we can do?"

Ryan's stiff at his side, back tense under Brendon's hand until Ryan mentions everything Spencer's done for them. He doesn't relax, but he does look Brendon in the eye and nod. "For Spencer," he agrees and bites his lip. "It won't be that bad."

"There's the party spirit," Brendon kisses Ryan's cheek, squeezing him into a big hug before breaking away and making for the living room.

In the foyer, Jon's putting his jacket and Tom's on the rack by the door and they're both smiling at the story Spencer's telling about there not being any shrimp at the grocery store. Brendon notices there's a definite lack of near hysterics on Spencer's part, but Brendon probably wouldn't have added that part in either.

"Where's my hug, Jon Walker? I deserve a hug and a kiss," he grins at Jon, tucking his hands into his pockets. "I made cake and it hasn't been reduced to a pile of crumbs!"

"Yet," Ryan steps into the foyer next to Brendon then, knocking three times on the wooden frame to the door with significant glance in Brendon's direction.

Brendon ignores it though because Jon steps forward, wrapping his arms around Brendon and pressing a brief kiss to his lips. He shoots a questioning look in Ryan's direction and Ryan just shrugs and pulls Jon into a hug of his own. They don't kiss, but Brendon wasn't really expecting it. "Tom, you remember Brendon and Ryan," Jon says, squeezing Ryan's hand. "They're the rest of our family," he shoots Tom a lazy grin. "Welcome to our home."

Tom brought clothes to change into, jeans, a t-shirt and what Spencer calls "yet another ridiculous pair of flip-flops" (that Brendon thinks are kind of cool and comfortable looking. He wouldn't wear them out where people could see, staring and gawking at his nearly bare feet but he'd wear them around the house, where only his husband and brotherwives could see.). Brendon's kind of relieved because he and Spencer worked really hard to make this a casual dinner and Tom standing around all night in a suit and dress shoes would have ruined that.

Spencer rolls his eyes when Jon comes down the stairs in a similar outfit (right down to the flip-flops) and sends Jon outside to start the grill up. It's a surprise to Brendon when Tom doesn't follow him outside, deciding to stay in and help the three of them out instead. "It's kind of the least I can do, since you're providing and cooking the food for me to eat," he says with a shrug.

The problem is of course, that Tom is less than useless in the kitchen. If it's not bumping into Ryan so half a head of lettuce goes flying it's over-salting the spinach or leaving the gas on. It's the last that finally does it for Spencer. He shoves Tom away from the stove and toward the sliding glass door that leads to the backyard. "For the love of all that is good and holy in this world, Thomas Alfred Conrad, get the _fuck_ out of my kitchen. Ugh, is it possible you've gotten worse at this since college?" Spencer's smiling with his eyes when he says it and Brendon's about to tell Tom that he doesn't really mean it but apparently Tom can tell because he has a real smile on his face.

"It's just like old times," Tom says. "I try to help-"

"And mess it up so badly someone else has to be called in to fix it?" And yeah, Spencer can't hide that smile by ducking his head. Tom leans forward, pulling him into a one armed hug and mussing his hair.

"Heartless as ever, Spencer Walker, you never change." It doesn't sound like an insult, between the warm look in Tom's eyes and the pleased tone, it comes off much more like an endearment.

"That's me, ever the cruel and soulless boywife who doesn't want our house to blow up in a fatal gas fire, how awful of me. Now either go sit down at the breakfast nook or go outside and set things on fire with Jon. On second thought, park it at the breakast nook, Brendon will bring you a glass of water." Spencer turns back to the potatoes then and Brendon does as he's told, bringing Tom a glass of ice water with lemon.

Tom takes it and makes a stupid face at Spencer's turned back. Brendon manages to hold in his giggle. "You know," Tom tells him, voice low, between sips o his water. "I always kind of liked how bossy Spencer was. I mean, between me and Jon, someone needed to be, but how do you guys handle it?"

"Oh Spencer's just a natural First, you know?" Brendon explains, wincing when he can't stop himself from going overboard with cheerfulness. "I can't imagine Spencer as anything other than First, it's like the job he was meant to do, with the organization and the cool-headedness and how yeah, he's kind of bossy, but in a good way!"

"I guess I didn't think of it in terms of first or second or whatever," Tom shrugs and Brendon frowns because that reminds him of something he kind of wanted to say.

"That reminds me," he says, leaning forward and lowering his voice so Spencer and Ryan can't hear him. "This means a lot to Spencer, you coming over, so I just want to say that I'm glad you're trying and to let you know you'd better not break his heart again or I'll have someone break you. I still have friends back on the Compound." He gives Tom his best resolved, scary face but Tom just laughs.

"I must have gone to school with at least a hundred of you compound types, I swear it's like Jon picked up the only ill-tempered, ornery boywives in the whole place." Brendon's about to take exception to that, opens his mouth to say something and everything but Tom shakes his head and holds up one hand. "I mean that in the best, most approving way possible. Looks to me like Jwalk picked the only winners in the bunch."

It's not a nice thing for Tom to say, it's actually rude in the extreme and directed towards people Brendon's known his entire life. That doesn't stop him from being secretly pleased, or from giving Tom a big huge smile. Because maybe it isn't nice, but it's something Brendon's thought before, how much better Ryan and Spencer are than most of the people he's known in his life. It's kind of nice that Tom can see it too.

Tom helps carry the steaks and chicken outside for Jon to barbecue and Spencer pushes everyone else outside as well. The sun hasn't gone down yet, so Ryan's still wearing his sunglasses, setting the table with his head down and being almost ridiculously obvious about being separate from Jon and Tom and the easy jokes they're sharing. Brendon helps him, glancing between Ryan and Spencer, Jon and Tom around the grill, trying to figure out a way to push Ryan towards them.

"I'm going to go get the water pitcher," Ryan announces when they're done, turning around and fleeing back inside. Brendon goes to follow but Jon pushes Tom towards the sliding glass door with a raised eyebrow and Tom goes without a word. They're gone for a while and Brendon isn't eavesdropping, not really, he's just standing near the kitchen door and the door happens to be open and he happens to be near enough to hear what they're saying. That's not eavesdropping.

"Don't even try, okay? You don't know-" Ryan's saying before Tom cuts him off.

"Yeah, you're right, I don't know shit. I don't know a god damned thing about any of you except Spencer that isn't some stupid, third-hand rumor I heard back in high school. That's pretty much my fucking point and the entire reason I'm here tonight," Tom sounds frustrated and Brendon knows just how easy it is to get to that point with Ryan. He wants to hug them both.

"Yeah and I'm being civil to you because it's important to my husband and brotherwives but I personally don't need you or your approval so you can take both and _shove it_." Brendon doesn't have to look to know Ryan's arms are folded, shoulders hunched, that he has that cold, defiant look in his eyes.

Tom sighs. "Look, the way I see it, we're both going to be around for a long, long time. I'm sure as hell not going to stop being Jon's best friend and you're obviously not going to stop being his boywife. I'm saying I was kind of a douche and want a second chance to prove I'm more than that to the most important people in Jon's life. I don't see why we can't just... don't you even want to try? The way Spencer talked about you, I always figured you were someone I could get along with."

"Spencer talked about me?" There's something kind of raw and disbelieving in Ryan's voice, like he wants it to be true but he can't bring himself to hope. Tom must hear it too, either that or Ryan's actually emoting with his face because his words are soft.

"All the fucking time. He'd check over my Calculus homework or my Lit essays and tell me how fucking lucky I was that you weren't there to take a red pen to it. He went on and on about your soup in the winter. Everything reminded him of you." He hears Tom step forward and wants to tell Tom not to touch Ryan, because that could be bad but he must not because there's no sound of punching or shoving. "I was worried for the longest time, because he was so, because he missed you so much-"

He doesn't hear the rest because Spencer pulls him away, turns him around and glares at him. Brendon fidgets for a second, looking over Spencer's shoulder to where Jon is grilling, wishing he could be over there instead of here. "I'm, umm"

"You're very sorry and kind of stupid and you swear you'll never do it again?" And yeah, Spencer's really mad. That tone is special and reserved only for when his usual levels of acerbic sarcasm aren't enough.

"Yes, that, all of that. Very sorry, really stupid and I'm never doing it again," he smiles tentatively up at Spencer. "I love you?" And Spencer tries to cover up that twitch of a smile, but Brendon knows better so he leans forward and wraps his arms around Spencer's shoulder. "I love you, Spencer Walker. I love you and I'm sorry."

"For the love of God, let me go," Spencer's grabbing his hands, pulling them off but he's smiling so Brendon kisses his cheek. "I'm serious though," and Spencer's still got that almost smile but his eyes aren't laughing anymore. "It's complicated but Ryan wouldn't appreciate you listening in."

"He'd think I was judging him and he doesn't like it," Brendon answers and rolls his eyes at Spencer's look of surprise. "I'm not stupid, Spencer. They... _We_ constantly judged him and his family, back on the compound. It makes sense he doesn't want to feel like now that we've all escaped that." He looks down at the ground, kicking at the concrete. "It hurts when people you think you're close to judge you for something that isn't your fault."

"Oh Brendon," Spencer tilts his chin up and kisses him softly on the mouth. "We all need to stop underestimating you."

"Well yeah, but Jon just looks up at her and says 'Are you _sure_ this isn't where Men's Choir is meeting?' I about pissed myself trying to keep from laughing," Tom says before taking another bite of steak. Everyone's laughing, even Ryan's got that almost smile on his face and Jon's got his face buried in his hands.

"Spencer had to pick you up from Campus Security, right?" Ryan asks and Jon looks surprised. "I remember Spencer writing to me about it, he thought it was really funny."

"I did _not_! There was nothing funny about it and it's scary being called by the police in the middle of the night and don't you two even think about doing it again." Spencer cuts in, pointing at them with his fork. "And that goes for everyone." He points at Ryan and Brendon and Brendon makes a show of looking as innocent as possible. "If I never have to come bail people out of trouble again it will be too soon."

Ryan ducks his head and takes another bite of his steak, not saying anything but making it perfectly clear how much that isn't true.

"Awww, c'mon Spencer, we all know how much you liked getting me and Jon out of trouble. You wouldn't have been able to lord it over us about how much more clever you are," Tom's smiling when he says it and Jon cuffs him over the back of the head.

"Leave Spencer alone," he says, also grinning. "He can't help that he's too smart to nearly get arrested."

"Moving on," Spencer says, blushing, "Brendon started working for your neighbors."

"Oh yeah?" Tom asks, switching his attention to Brendon.

"Yeah, Barb and Bill are great and I adore Alice," and Brendon can't help how hard he's grinning, just thinking about it. "Thank you so much for putting in a good word for me."

"It wasn't any good word from me that got you the job. I'm surprised they made the interview, actually," Tom must realize how that sounds because he holds up one hand and shakes his head. "I mean, not because of you or anything. It's just they don't really like me because of how I'm not a Mormon and don't have any desire to be one."

"That's our Tom, practically chasing the missionaries away," Spencer grins until Ryan interrupts.

"Weren't you the one who did that, Spencer?" Ryan asks, trying out his own fake innocent look. "I remember the letter where you told me about how Tom let them come in and was talking to them about photography and generally ignoring everything they were saying about God and you grabbed the broom and threw them out?"

Everyone's laughing now and Spencer throws his napkin at Ryan. "Oh sure, take their side." But Spencer barely manages to get it out he's laughing so hard. "We're talking about _Brendon_ and his job and not my not-so-Greatest-Hits."

"I love those though," Jon says, leaning forward to kiss him on the nose. Spencer smiles, blushing lightly and turning to Brendon.

"Tell Tom about his neighbors since it's so unlikely he'll ever get to talk to them otherwise." Spencer lets Jon take his hand though and Brendon's more relieved to see that than he thought he would be. It's awful when Spencer and Jon fight and seeing them smiling softly and laughing under the Christmas lights- Ryan and even Tom joining in- makes Brendon happy in a way he never thought he would be. He catches Ryan's eye and he can tell Ryan feels it too, that Ryan's just as happy, at least right now.

Tom doesn't head home until well after midnight. They wrap up most of the leftovers and a huge slice of Brendon's cake for him to take home and Jon punches him in the arm and says "And for fuck's sake Tomrad, don't just eat the cake and leave the real food to spoil in your fridge."

Tom promises all of them he will and then hugs Jon and Spencer goodbye. Brendon's about to put his hand out for Tom to shake when Tom wraps him up in a hug, mussing his hair and telling him to take care of himself and "don't let Barb and Bill ruin your sense of humor." It's nice, being hugged like this. Not nice like when Ryan or Spencer or Jon does it, but nice enough. Like he's not on the outside, like maybe Tom is his friend too. He grins and hugs back, stepping away with a glance in Jon's direction to make sure he's not displeased. Jon's just smiling though, leaning against the doorframe and watching Tom and Ryan.

Ryan's leaning against the wall, arms folded in front of himself and Tom holds out his hand with a hopeful grin. "It was nice meeting you," Tom says, solemn and serious, like he knows Ryan needs to know he means it.

"Likewise, I guess," Ryan answers, reaching out to shake Tom's hand. Tom leaves with a grin, taking a stupid little skipping step at the end of the driveway and pumping his fist in the air. They stop watching then, because if Tom's going to act like a dork about being liked, they all agree he should get at least some privacy.

"At the very least," Spencer says, handing over a dish for Jon to dry. Ryan's wiping down the counters and Brendon's putting the dishes away because Ryan said it was way too late to leave all the cleaning to Brendon and Spencer and Jon's clearly in way to good a mood to argue about anything. "At the very least, we've saved him from a few days of takeaway."

"It's cute how you think he won't forget he has it in his fridge and order takeaway anyways," Jon tells him with a grin, bumping Spencer's hip with his own.

"Really?" Ryan asks, looking up with a frown.

"We could call him," Brendon suggests. "Like, before dinner, in the early evening, to remind him he has food in his fridge and to actually eat a vegetable?"

Ryan just shrugs and goes back to scrubbing the counters. Spencer watches him, trying to hide a grin. "He really does need an adult. I'll do it though, good idea, Brendon."

"Someone's happy," he whispers to Jon, interrupting him from his happy humming. He's leaning against the counter, waiting for Jon to be done drying the bowl in his hand.

"What's not to be happy about?" Jon asks, handing it to Brendon. He leans in more than he has to though, presses a kiss to Brendon's mouth. "All my favorite people in the world get along. I dare say they even like each other. Brendon Walker, I'm the happiest man alive and this is the best day ever."

Brendon just grins and kisses him back, startling a little when he feels the back of someone's hands against his stomach. When he opens his eyes, Ryan is behind Jon, wrapping his arms around his waist and leaning in to kiss his neck.

"C'mon," Ryan says, tugging Jon back towards him. "We both work in the morning so we don't have much time." Jon laughs, taking hold of Ryan's hand and Ryan leans forward, kissing the corner of Brendon's mouth over Jon's shoulder. "Good night, Brendon."

He watches them head upstairs, Ryan's arm draped across Jon's shoulders and Brendon's never regretted it not being his night more. "Can I sleep with you tonight?" he asks Spencer, arms crossed and hugging himself. "It's been such a great day and I just... don't want to be alone." He gives Spencer a hopeful smile because he doesn't want to lose this feeling, this happy, all over _family_ feeling and he grins when Spencer nods.

"Lead the way," Spencer says, tossing his sponge in the sink and Brendon has to agree with Jon, this really might be the best day ever.

 

Brendon wakes up much earlier than usual, a glance at his bedroom window shows the sun just barely coming up and if he could turn around and see the clock, he's certain it couldn't be later than five in the morning. He's confused for a second because he's being held down, heavy weight against his back and side and the steady rhythm of someone else's breathing. It's not Jon, can't be Jon, he's with Ryan. There's a sigh against the back of his neck, a soft scrape of beard and just like that, Brendon remembers.

Spencer let him stay the night with him, that's why he's got one arm around Brendon, why he's pressed tightly against Brendon's back, so Brendon wouldn't be alone. He reaches down for Spencer's hand, squeezing it in thanks because Brendon misses this when it's not his night with Jon. It's not the only thing he misses, obviously, but there is something soothing about waking up with someone else. Brendon spent his entire life sharing his bedroom or his bed with his brothers and sisters, it feels wrong to wake up alone in a cold room and have to dress by himself before he's with his family again.

He leans back against Spencer, wondering for a second if he can talk Ryan into sleeping with him on nights Jon's with Spencer, if maybe he really can work it out so he doesn't have to sleep alone, when Spencer shifts forward. Spencer's hard, which makes sense, it's early in the morning after all, he's hard and pressed against Brendon's lower back, just above his ass.

He goes still for just a second, mind blanking when he reaches for his most familiar prayers and Spencer rocks forward, hips working slowly against his back. "_love you_," Spencer murmurs sleepily and Brendon melts back against him with a whimper, reaching behind him for Spencer's hip.

That wakes Spencer up and he snaps to awareness with a choked "Oh Brendon, I'm sorry," and an attempt to pull back.

"Say it again, please," Brendon says, gripping Spencer's hip more tightly, keeping him pressed against him and rolling his hips back against Spencer. It's not wrong, he tells himself. Jon said he could do it and Spencer said, Spencer just said, and even if he was asleep it still counts.

"Brendon?" And Spencer sounds so confused, so completely and utterly confused that Brendon's worried he really didn't mean it, that in his dreams, Brendon was Ryan or Jon, someone Spencer loved, someone Spencer would say that too.

"Please," Brendon whispers, biting his lip to keep from crying. "What you said, please say it again." He arches back against Spencer, feels the slick trail of pre-come against his skin and wants it, wants to make Spencer feel good. Maybe Spencer can't love him, but Brendon can make him feel good, Jon said so.

Spencer drags Brendon's shirt up, over his head and off and pushes Brendon onto his stomach, pulling down both of their sleep pants so it's more comfortable. Brendon looks back over his shoulder and sees Spencer's face, the pensive look that has nothing to do with the steady flex of his hips, the slide of his cock against the small of Brendon's back.

Spencer reaches down, fingers wrapping around Brendon's cock and strokes him in time with the thrust of his hips. "I love you?" he whispers in Brendon's ear, leaning forward so his chest is pressed to Brendon's back and his beard scrapes against Brendon's shoulder and neck. "Is that what you wanted me to say again?"

Brendon shudders, nodding wordlessly and thrusting forward into Spencer's hand, wide open and wanting it, wanting to hear it. "I love you, Brendon," Spencer's lips brush against his ear when he says it, soft like a kiss and Brendon spills into Spencer's hand, shaking all over. Spencer catches him, rolls Brendon onto his side so he doesn't have to support his own weight anymore. He comes against Brendon's back, holding him close and palming his side soothingly.

"Shhh, Brendon," Spencer says, kissing his neck and shoulder. Brendon's crying, he doesn't know if Spencer can tell but his pillow's going to give it away pretty soon so he turns around and buries his face against Spencer's neck, wrapping both arms around him in a tight, tight _tight_ full body hug. "I'm sorry, oh Brendon, I'm so, so sorry. I didn't, fuck I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry-"

"I love you too," he says, because it sounds like Spencer's apologizing for giving Brendon everything he's ever wanted and that's just _wrong_. "I love you and Ryan and Jon and I'm so glad we're a family, Spencer. Thank you, thank you so much."

Spencer tips his face up, fingers under his chin and looking Brendon straight in the eye. "Don't thank me, you belong here, with us." He kisses him then and Brendon almost doesn't want to because his face is wet and his nose is running but Spencer doesn't care he just licks into Brendon's mouth, kissing him deep. "You're ours," Spencer tells him, wiping the tears away with a swipe of his thumb. "Don't ever think anything else."

 

Brendon helps Spencer make breakfast, smile bright and heart light, grabbing pieces of toast from the plate Spencer's trying to fill and stealing kisses from Spencer every time he turns to scold him. It's sort of perfect, Spencer pressing Brendon back against the stove with his hands on Brendon's hips, mouth soft and easy against Brendon's. He almost doesn't hear Ryan and Jon coming down until they're at the foot of the stairs.

They break apart then, Brendon going to pour coffee and juice for everyone and Spencer ladling oatmeal into bowls. There's fruit on the table and Jon kisses Ryan on the back of the neck while he scoops slices of melon and cantaloupe onto everyone's plate.

Brendon waits his turn to kiss Jon goodbye and then heads upstairs to finish dressing while Spencer sends Ryan off to work. Spencer kisses him goodbye and Brendon heads off for Bill and Barb's house. It's a beautiful day and Brendon pedals his bike slowly, grin so huge on his face he thinks it might break. And it's like a secret, some wonderful, perfect secret he's carrying around inside of him. _Spencer loves me, Spencer loves me, Spencer loves me_.

 

He's still grinning when he gets to Bill and Barb's, greets Alice with an enthusiastic hug and throws a happy wave to Barb in the kitchen. Alice's lesson is just what he needs to calm himself, slowly and carefully going over warm-ups and exercises and then the piece she'll be performing at her school's talent show. There are only a few parts that really need work, and Brendon shows her the proper placement for her fingers and by the time Barb's calling out the time, he feels calmer. There's still this tiny ball of joy in his stomach but he's no longer so giddy with it he feels faint.

"Would you like to have some lunch, Brendon?" Barb asks him and that's how they end up on the Henrickson's back porch, sipping lemonade and eating salad. Brendon compliments her landscaping choices and inquires about her work with Relief society, trying to keep the conversation on her until they run out of things to talk about.

"So what about you, Brendon? Are you involved in any charitable activities?" Barb asks, holding her lemonade and smiling and Brendon feels really guilty when he shakes his head.

"Oh, well I know you're new around here, we'll just have to get you involved. I can introduce you around, no problem. We're doing a big project to make blankets for displaced orphans around the world." Barb leans forward, resting her hand on Brendon's wrist and lowers her voice like it's a secret. "You can bring over your husband and he can keep Bill entertained while we get some real work done."

And it should be funny, should be something Brendon laughs about but he can't introduce Jon as his husband, he's not legally married to him and it's not like Brendon and Barb live that far away, they can find out.

"My husband?" Brendon asks, because he's almost certain he's never mentioned being married. Barb looks confused at the question and points down at the ring on Brendon's finger. It's a lovely ring, simple platinum on the outside, with _Jon, Spencer, Ryan and Brendon Walker, sealed together for all eternity_ engraved on the inside. He should have figured she'd make assumptions.

"Oh, he… I was married but he passed on and I sadly must confess I haven't been very active in the Church since," It's frightening how easily the lie spills from his mouth and he feels horrifically guilty when Barb takes his hand and squeezes it sympathetically.

"It must have been quite a trial for someone so young, trying to sort out why God would choose to take him from you when your lives were just starting. But Brendon, the Lord has a plan for you, just like he has one for me and you must know that. It's obvious you've kept the faith in every other way but being an active member in the Church." Barb believes him, Barb feels bad for him. It feels awful but it's also a relief, Brendon can hide, he can hide very well.

And it's not entirely a lie. Brendon has kept to his faith, he prays every night and every morning, tries to listen closely for the guiding hand of the Lord in all he does. He knows that _choose the right_ is a very LDS saying but he does try to, as often as possible.

Barb thankfully switches the topic to Alice's upcoming recital for the talent show and Brendon tries to recapture his good mood from earlier, but every time he tries to imagine Spencer telling him he loves him, all he can think about is how Barb would react to that. He's relieved when lunch is over and it's time to head home.

 

Ryan's talking about some special program at the University he'll be attending in the fall when Brendon gets home. He's telling Spencer that he's thinking about studying Library Science as well as Creative Writing, chopping up carrots while Spencer mixes a meatloaf and Brendon comes up behind Ryan and wraps his arms around Ryan's waist, hugging him from behind. Ryan startles for a second before Brendon hooks his chin over Ryan's shoulder, looking down at the pile of chopped vegetables in front of him.

"How did the lesson go?" Ryan asks, relaxing back against Brendon. Brendon looks up and sees Spencer smiling at both of them and Brendon takes a deep breath. Any lies and deception are worth it, for this.

It's Brendon's night with Jon and Brendon can't help but be pleased with that, thrilled all over that he's guaranteed to have someone in his bed tonight. When Jon gets home from work the three of them are in the living room, waiting for the meatloaf to finish. Brendon's leaning against Spencer, pretending to read over his shoulder, like he gives a damn about the business section when all he really wants is to have his face this close to Spencer's neck and still be able to run his fingers through Ryan's hair. Ryan's head is in Brendon's lap, seriously reading some book of poetry and making little notes in the margins.

Jon kisses the back of Spencer's neck when he comes in and then Brendon's before leaning forward over the couch to kiss the tip of Ryan's nose. Brendon looks up at Jon, ready to invite him to join in their group snuggle but as soon as he sees Jon he knows that's probably not going to happen.

"What happened?" Spencer asks before Brendon or Ryan can. Jon just bites his lip and rubs the back of his neck. He looks tired and worn and he hasn't taken his jacket off.

"I'm not staying, something came up and I need to fly out to Chicago tonight for a meeting tomorrow morning," Jon says and he looks so, so sorry, Brendon can't find it in him to be upset.

"Do you need to book a flight still?" Ryan asks, sitting up.

"I'll start packing you up," Spencer adds, standing. "Brendon, can you-"

"I'll fix him a plate to eat now and wrap up a snack for him to take on the flight," Brendon finishes for him. It won't do for Jon to be tired _and_ hungry.

"You three," Jon says, shaking his head. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

"It must have been something pretty awful," Ryan deadpans, heading around Jon for the laptop he keeps in his room.

"No," Jon reaches out, wrapping his hand around Ryan's wrist and pulls him close, presses a kiss to his mouth. "I must have done something really fucking amazing." Ryan kisses back for a second before pushing away. He has a ghost of a smile on his face though and Spencer follows him up the stairs, teasing him about not buying anything until Spencer can see, hand pressed against the small of his back.

Brendon turns away to head for the kitchen but he catches sight of Jon's face, watching Ryan and Spencer leaving together. There's something wistful and longing and Brendon wants to reach out and hug him. So he does, wrapping both arms around his shoulders and ducking his head against Jon's neck, enveloping him.

"Let's get you something to eat and then maybe you could take a short nap, you look exhausted." Brendon pulls him into the kitchen, arm around him. He fixes Jon a plate and sets it in front of him. He's going to clean up a little, maybe get a start on the dishes but Jon grabs his hand and pulls him into the chair next to him.

"Sit with me Brendon, please?" Jon sounds oddly needy and all Brendon can't imagine saying no to Jon, so he sits next to him and lets Jon take his hand. "I'm sorry about this, leaving you guys. I know this is your night and that you have Alice's talent show thing coming up." He squeezes Brendon's hand when he says it, eyes sad.

"It's not like it's something you can help, Jon," Brendon answers, leaning in to kiss Jon's cheek. Jon turns his head at the last minute though, parting his lips and pulling Brendon closer.

"I miss you when I'm not here. I miss all of you. Nothing feels right when our family is apart." It's exactly how Brendon feels and he slides out of his chair so he's standing between Jon's legs. Jon runs his fingers through Brendon's hair and tilts his head up. "Kiss me," Jon says, licking his lips.

It's not different from all of the other times he and Jon have kissed, but Jon pulls him close, hooking one leg around Brendon's calf and this is probably their last chance to be alone for a while. "Do you want me to-" Brendon begins, reaching out for Jon's waistband.

"No, just… just stay here and kiss me," Jon says, wrapping his arms around Brendon's neck and grinning.

"You're dinner's getting cold," Brendon teases, kissing back, running his hand down Jon's back.

"Wrap it up, I'll eat it on the plane," Jon teases back, running his hand down Brendon's back. "For now I'd rather just stay here with you."

Brendon's never thought about Jon's work but it strikes him suddenly how very lonely it must be. Tom's the only one who knows the truth about him, all of his other employees think he just has the one boywife, the one person to miss on these trips and throughout the day. Brendon only works for a few hours at a time and he constantly finds himself thinking about Spencer or wondering if Ryan's home yet, if Jon was able to make it home for lunch. Jon has to be away all day, nearly every day and has to go on these trips every so often. He kisses Jon harder, wants to leave him with a strong memory of this moment for when he's all by himself on the plane or in some lonely hotel room.

They stay like that, making out in the kitchen with Jon's legs around Brendon's until Spencer and Ryan come down with Jon's flight details and one suitcase. Jon's flight leaves in an hour and a half so he and Spencer have to get going.

Then they're all kissing Jon goodbye, and all Brendon can think about is the last time they did this, the last time they stood around in their living room waiting for Jon to leave or the airport. It had been his wedding day and Jon had nervously hugged him and pressed a kiss to his forehead. He kisses Jon for real this time, holding him close and trying not to cry. He'll be back soon, Spencer said it wouldn't be nearly as long of a trip this time but it doesn't mean he won't miss him, that _they_ won't miss him, terribly.

Brendon wants to go out onto the front lawn and wave goodbye to Jon, keep waving until they can't see his car anymore. They can't because the neighbors might see and ask questions but he and Ryan hold hands and watch from the window, pressed close to the glass and peeking through the curtains.

"Do you want me to re-heat dinner?" Brendon asks once they can't see the tail lights on Jon's car anymore. Ryan shakes his head.

"I'm not hungry. I think I'll just go to bed," he says, voice small so Brendon squeezes his hand.

"Can I-" Brendon pauses, swallowing and staring down at his lap before he makes himself finish, "Can I come with you? I don't want to sleep by myself tonight." Brendon expects Ryan to shrug him off, knows Ryan doesn't like to have people around when he's sad or upset. Instead Ryan nods and tugs him towards the stairs.

"Just for tonight," he says when Brendon comes into his room in his pajamas and Brendon nods and slides in next to him, pressing close against Ryan's back.

"Just for tonight," he agrees, tucking his face against the back of Ryan's neck.

 

When he wakes up, Ryan kisses him good morning before rolling out of bed to shower and dress. He has to work early and he tells Brendon to go back to sleep, that's it's too early for him to be up. Brendon tries, but the shower is making so much noise, Brendon can't manage to drift back off again. He needs to brush his teeth, so he makes his way to the bathroom. He doesn't want to scald Ryan, he's had that happen to him far too often back when he lived with his parents, brothers and sisters running about in the mornings turning on faucets no matter who was in the shower, so he forgoes rinsing and just starts brushing.

Ryan is a darkened shape behind the curtain, a swiftly moving shape in the corner of Brendon's eyesight and Brendon can't help getting caught up in watching him. He can't make out much, but it's obvious to him when Ryan's hands are massaging shampoo into his hair, when he's rubbing soap over his body, when he's wrapping his hand around…

Brendon looks away, back at himself in the mirror where he can see himself blushing something fierce. He bends down to spit and Ryan must hear him because he calls out.

"Brendon?" he asks, voice somewhat drowned out by the shower curtain and the water.

"I couldn't go back to sleep. I figured I might as well start getting ready. No sense lying in bed all morning," he answers back, incredibly proud that his voice doesn't betray his embarrassment.

"Did you want to join me?" and this time Ryan's voice is much clearer. When Brendon turns to look, Ryan has the curtain open enough to peek his face out. He's raising one eyebrow and crooking one finger in Brendon's direction. Something in Ryan's grin makes Brendon's stomach tighten, sends heat through his groin and he'd been ignoring his morning erection before, but he can't now.

He follows Ryan into the shower, letting Ryan lead him under the spray, shivering when Ryan presses against his back. He's hard, of course he is, cock pressed against the small of Brendon's back but he isn't moving away. Even if Ryan weren't swiping the bar of soap over Brendon's neck, down over his chest, working up a lather across Brendon's belly, Brendon wouldn't be stepping away. He wants Ryan; he's allowed to want Ryan and Ryan's allowed to want him. They aren't doing any wrong with this.

He's startled when Ryan drops the soap, turns to ask if everything's okay but cuts himself off when Ryan wraps his hand around Brendon's cock. He gasps, bucking his hips forward, into Ryan's fist. Ryan moves with him, keeping close, moving his hips just a little so he's rubbing against Brendon's back. It's good, so good and when Ryan thumbs over the underside Brendon lets out a moan and nearly falls forward, catching himself with his hands against the shower wall.

Ryan's cock slips with the new angle, sliding between Brendon's cheeks on his next press forward. They both gasp then, Brendon shuddering when Ryan's shaft slides across his entrance and Ryan tightening his grip around him. Ryan's so close, just a little tilt of Brendon's hips or a slight adjustment of Ryan's cock and he could be _inside_. Brendon can't help wondering, wondering if Ryan would want to, if it would be okay, if he could even handle it. Ryan's a lot bigger than Jon, he'd need more preparation, more slick, more time.

That just makes him think of Ryan's fingers, pressing inside and opening him up, Ryan's mouth against his belly and thighs and just like that he's coming into Ryan's fist. Ryan strokes him through it, mouth against Brendon's neck until Brendon's no longer tense. He takes himself in hand then, Brendon can hear the sound of it, even over the water. He reaches behind himself, braces his hand against Ryan's hip so Ryan can't go anywhere, has to stay close and when Ryan goes tense he turns his head, capturing Ryan's mouth in a kiss.

Ryan kisses like he's drowning, like Brendon can make it better and Brendon moans into his mouth when he feels Ryan coming on him, spilling hot and messy across Brendon's back. "_Brendon_," Ryan whispers against his mouth. "Brendon, Brendon, Brendon." And Brendon thinks he's trying to say something else, wishes he had Spencer's ability to read Ryan or Jon's skill at wearing Ryan down but there's definite _intent_ behind the way Ryan's saying his name, something Brendon will have to figure out later.

"You're happy here, right?" Ryan asks once they're out of the shower. He's sitting on his bed and he's paused in the middle of tying his shoes, all of his focus on Brendon.

Brendon thinks about Jon's mouth against his last night, the sadness in his eyes at having to leave them all. He thinks about soil across Spencer's cheek and the bright smile he saves only for them on his face and the sureness in his voice when he told Brendon he loved him. He thinks about Ryan holding him last night, Ryan finding him in that back kitchen back on the compound. He thinks about all of the warmth and belonging he's felt since he's lived here and weighs it against the disappointment, shame and condemnation of the entire congregation on the compound.

And it is the compound now, not home. Brendon's home has three bedrooms, a huge kitchen and what's soon to be a world class rose garden. Brendon's home has Spencer going over the ledgers and Ryan talking about some book he read, Jon sneaking bits of dessert before dinner's even finished. There's laughter and smiles and Brendon's piano and silence and sadness and secrets and the overwhelming, undeniable warmth of family throughout.

"I love it here," he tells Ryan, stepping into his space and tilting his face up for a kiss. "I love our family and our home and I'm so very, very happy here."

"Good, we want that, all of us. Spencer, Jon and I, we all want you to be happy," and Brendon thinks he means it. He's far from an expert in reading Ryan, but he thinks he knows enough to know he's sincere right now. That must be why he has the courage to say what he does, because normally he wouldn't.

"Then you should fix what's wrong with you and Jon and Spencer," he says, straightening the lapels on Ryan's flowery button up. "I don't like it when any of you are sad. You should fix it."

Ryan sucks in a deep breath, watching him with a guarded look in his eyes but he nods and pushes Brendon away. "Okay," is all he says before bending back down to see to his shoes and Brendon can only hope he didn't make things worse.

 

Brendon awkwardly kisses Ryan goodbye with Spencer and spends the rest of the morning ignoring the significant arch of Spencer's eyebrow every time he turns around. He knows he'll have to talk to him eventually, maybe apologize for pressuring Ryan when Ryan is so obviously not someone who reacts well to being pressured. He's so relieved when it's time for him to be leaving for Alice's lesson that he feels guilty. It's wrong to be this happy to the leave the home he loves but he can't help needing some space.

"Brendon," Spencer says when Brendon kisses him goodbye and Brendon stiffens all over, dreading being dressed down for making Ryan uncomfortable. "Brendon, breathe, just breathe. Whatever it is that's wrong, whatever has you in such a knot, it'll be okay." Spencer rubs the back of Brendon's neck, hugging him close and Brendon feels better.

"You're like magic, Spencer Walker," he tells him with a shy smile before turning to leave. It is like magic though because there's no weight on his chest while he rides his bike to Bill and Barb's, no ticking clock, waiting for an inevitable confrontation.

 

Alice wants to practice on her talent show piece for the entire lesson, which is no surprise to Brendon and they spend the entire hour and a half working through it, over and over again. It's not entirely necessary to spend the entire time on it, but Alice is clearly more confident from the extra practice and that's the important thing.

He's packing up his metronome and extra sheet music when Bill gets home and they exchange waves while Alice asks him to stay there so she can go change to show him her talent show dress. Brendon's sitting on the piano bench when Barb comes in with a smile.

"Brendon, do you have plans tonight?" she asks and Brendon doesn't but he's not entirely certain if he should say that. "I only ask because we have an extra ticket to the charity barbecue and we thought you might want to come with us. There's music, fireworks, face painting and Bill and I thought it was high time we all started being social together.

An evening out. Brendon knows it's something people do, but he's never had the privilege. It sounds fun though, eating barbecue, watching the fireworks, dancing. It's been a while since Brendon last danced, he's pretty sure he'll likely end up taking Alice for a few spins around the dance floor, but maybe Barb would want to dance with him, so long as Bill didn't mind.

"I just have to call home, tell my… family not to expect me for dinner," he tells her with a grin. It's exciting, the prospect of being out and about on his own after dark, though he does sort of wish he could invite Ryan or Spencer, so he wasn't alone.

He uses the phone in the kitchen to call home and can't help beaming when it clicks over to voicemail and Spencer's voice breaks through with _Walker residence, please leave a message_. "Hey, it's me. Barb and Bill invited me out for a barbecue and I just wanted to let you know I probably won't make it home in time for dinner. I love you and I'll see you later."

Brendon knows he should have expected this. It's Bill and Barb, what other kind of barbecue would they go to? But that doesn't prepare him for having to walk through an LDS church and talk to nearly every single member of Bill and Barb's ward. He keeps his eyes downcast while the others say grace, expecting a lightning bolt to strike him from the heavens for his sacrilege and breathes a sigh of relief when it doesn't come.

After dinner he takes Alice to get her face painted while Barb and Bill go to talk to some friends of theirs and ends up with a couple of musical notes on his cheek along with a five line staff and some tiny stars. Alice has an elaborate mask with rhinestones and swirls and she pulls him with her onto the dance floor. They dance for two songs before Alice sees a few of her friends and runs off, promising to be back in twenty minutes.

He tells Bill and Barb when they find him, waving at the direction she ran off in with a shrug and they're clearly unconcerned so Brendon's not the slightest bit worried. "Probably for the best, Brendon, we wanted to introduce you around anyway," Bill tells him, clapping him on the back.

"Yes, Brendon, we wanted to introduce you to a friend of ours," Barb says but she's looking behind her and waving to someone. "Here he is. Brendon, this is Shane Valdez." The person in question is a brunette with a wide smile and a video camera in his hand. Brendon shakes his free hand, returning the smile.

"Brendon, would you mind keeping Shane company while I take Barb here for a spin 'round the dance floor?" Bill asks him with a wink before sweeping Barb off.

"So," Shane says, rocking back on his heels. "Bill says you teach piano?"

Shane's a videographer and he owns his own business, mostly for wedding receptions, birthday parties and occasionally for the local television, though he's apparently been taping tonight's festivities for the church for free. He asks after Brendon's own life and Brendon makes vague remarks about his family being old-fashioned, shrugs off Shane's condolences on losing his husband. Brendon wants very much not to lie and as such, keeps turning questions back on Shane, asking him about his hobbies, how his mission went, how he became a videographer. He has to forcibly keep himself from mentioning Jon's days at BYU when Shane mentions spending a year there studying film. He also doesn't mention how easy Spencer made Intro Calculus sound when he tells a funny story about nearly failing.

He thinks Ryan would like the way he talks about his work though, how Shane talks about editing things together until they make perfect sense, capturing single moments until they tell a story. It's similar to the way Ryan talks about his writing sometimes.

Bill and Barb return, both of them sharing secret smiles when they find Brendon and Shane eating ice cream next to the stage. Brendon glances at his watch then and is shocked to realize how late it is. He should have been home an hour ago.

"Barb, Bill, thank you for inviting me, I had a lovely time. Shane, it was a pleasure meeting you but I really must be going," Brendon tells them with a nod, pointing at his watch. "I really should have been home by now, it's so improper for me to be out this late on my own."

 

It's a long bike ride home, but infinitely better than Bill or Barb driving him and Brendon can't help but grin the entire way. It was fun, if awkward; having to avoid all of those questions but a day's worth of breathing room is just what he needed. He'll apologize to Ryan in the morning, tell him he'll mind his own business from now on.

The house is dark when he climbs the stairs and for just a second, Brendon thinks about climbing into bed with Spencer, lying down next to him and letting the calm rhythm of his breathing lull Brendon to sleep. Instead he goes to his own room and begins changing for bed.

When he lays down, Ryan's already there.

"Oh, hi, umm," Brendon stumbles over his words, unsure what it is he wants to say, now that he has the opportunity to say it.

"I talked to Spencer," Ryan says, before he can properly collect himself.

"I didn't tell him anything!" Brendon assures him, because he didn't. Anything Spencer knows is from his own first boywife superpowers and has nothing to do with Brendon.

Ryan shakes his head. "I know that. I meant I talked to him about what you said, about me fixing what's wrong with the three of us." He reaches out, running his hand down Brendon's side and presses his mouth to Brendon's, kissing him deep. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be short when you're just trying to help. I'm an asshole."

Brendon knows that, knows that sometimes Ryan is infuriatingly caught inside of himself, that for every time he reaches out, there are at least ten instances of him pulling back. Brendon knows all of this but he never expected Ryan to admit it to him, never expected Ryan to apologize like this.

He kisses back, reaching out for Ryan and pulling him against his side. "It's okay, I shouldn't have-" Ryan cuts him off with his mouth against Brendon in the hardest kiss they've every shared, rolling on top of Brendon and pinning him against the bed.

"Don't say that," Ryan tells him when he pulls back. He swipes his thumb across Brendon's bottom lip and in the dim light filtering in from the streetlight outside he can see Ryan frowning. "We all worry about that, how it seems like you never speak up for yourself. This is your family too, Brendon. Tell me when I'm being an asshole, tell us when you don't like something. Just… promise me you won't suffer in silence."

Brendon remembers seeing Ryan around the compound, remembers the defeat that poured off of him in waves, eyes cast downward every morning when he went to fetch the mail, went to hitch into town. Brendon remembers it because he mirrored it in every possible way for over two years after his scandal made him the compound pariah. But he sees now, he sees that there's more to life than what he knew before and he wraps his arms around Ryan, pulling him close.

"I promise, Ryan," he tells him, biting Ryan's lower lip. "I promise." Ryan mouths across Brendon's jaw and down to his throat, sucking hard at his pulse until Brendon pushes him away. He doesn't want to, it feels good and the idea of there being bruises in the shape of Ryan's mouth all over him makes Brendon ache. But he has Alice's talent show tomorrow and doesn't want to have to explain it away.

He grips tightly to Ryan's hips, arching up against him so he can feel Ryan, already hard and Brendon just _wants_ so much. Ryan tugs Brendon's sleep pants down and Brendon almost knees Ryan in the groin trying to kick them off. Ryan pushes him back down against then bed then, distracting him with kisses while he shoves his own pajama pants off. Then they're skin to skin and Ryan's holding him down, licking into his mouth.

"Ryan," Brendon arches his hips up, rolling them against Ryan's, shuddering when it drags Ryan's cock against his own. He just wants so much, he wants and he doesn't even know what it is he wants. Ryan nips at Brendon's bottom lip and Brendon knows that's a lie though, knows exactly what he wants from Ryan, what he wants Ryan to do.

"Please, please, please, please," Brendon begs, working his hips up, looking for more friction.

"What? Brendon, what?" Ryan asks, pulling back so they can both breathe, so Brendon can't drive himself crazy with the slide of their hips anymore. "Anything, Brendon," Ryan strokes his cheek softly, telling Brendon he means that with his whole body. "Anything you want."

There's a little space between them now and Brendon uses it to twist around until he's lying on his stomach. He spreads his legs and arches back, so there can be no question what it is he's asking for. "Ryan, please, please, _please_."

"Shhhh," Ryan runs his palm down over his back and leans in to kiss Brendon's shoulder. "Are you sure? You know you don't have to."

"Ryan, I _want_ to," and he means it, he wants Ryan like that, so much it's almost frightening. It feels different than what they've shared before and he knows he'll have to tell Jon. Confess this to him because it's more than what Jon said was okay. He thinks he should be ashamed for wanting anyone but his husband inside of him but it's _Ryan_.

"Okay," Ryan says and Brendon can hear him reaching in his bedside drawer, knows he's going for the slick. He kisses Brendon's back, down his spine and, much to Brendon's surprise, he keeps going. He pulls away, just a little, because that's… dirty.

"Ryan?" he asks and he can feel Ryan smiling against the curve of his ass.

"It'll feel good. We don't have to if you don't want to, but it'll feel good," he tells him and Ryan would know. Ryan does this with Jon, he has experience so Brendon just nods and ducks his head, blushing hard into his pillow.

Ryan spreads him open and Brendon clenches his hands into fists, grabbing tight hold of the sheets. "Relax," Ryan says, pressing a kiss to his entrance that makes Brendon shiver. "I'd never hurt you, Brendon. You can tell me to stop whenever you want." He kisses him again, mouth pressing more firmly this time and Brendon can feel the briefest touch of Ryan's tongue against him. It doesn't feel good, not yet, but it doesn't feel bad so Brendon's more than willing to submit to more.

Ryan's tongue flicks out again, tracing the rim of Brendon's entrance and that, Brendon likes that, he likes it even more when Ryan licks across it, tongue occasionally dipping inside. Just the slightest amount of pressure and Brendon shifts his hips, spreads his thighs, hoping to give Ryan more room.

The next time Ryan presses his tongue to Brendon's entrance he keeps going, thrusting ever so slightly inside. He likes it and he likes it even more when Ryan reaches around for his hand and guides it down to Brendon's cock. "Touch yourself," he says and Brendon does as he asks, wrapping his fist around himself and stroking lightly. He's arching back into every press of Ryan's tongue into him, whimpering when Ryan slides a finger in as well, twisting it slowly inside of him.

"I want," Brendon starts and cuts himself off, blushing hard and Ryan stills against him.

"What do you want?" he asks, voice muffled by Brendon's skin, lips brushing against his entrance with every word. "Go ahead and tell me, Brendon."

"I, could you… more? Your fingers, I want more," Brendon manages, ducking his head low to hide his blush. Ryan smiles against him, pressing a kiss to the curve of Brendon's ass before pulling away. He hears the snap of the bottle of lube opening and then Ryan's sliding two fingers into him, pressing open mouthed kisses to Brendon's lower back. Brendon arches back onto Ryan's fingers, long and clever and they feel so good inside of him.

"Now, Ryan, you should, inside me, now," Brendon tells him, wanting it so much.

"Not yet," Ryan answers, sliding a third finger inside Brendon. "I don't want to hurt you Brendon, soon, I promise, okay?" And Brendon spreads his thighs wider, thrusting back hard, spitting himself on Ryan's fingers; long, clever fingers Brendon's watched turn the pages of Ryan's books and card through Jon's hair. He thought about this, last time in the shower but it's nowhere near enough.

"Ryan, ryan, _Ryan_," he's not begging, not yet but he's so close, on the verge of pleading with Ryan when Ryan rests his palm on Brendon's back.

"Okay, okay Brendon," he tells him, twisting his fingers one last time before pulling out and it feels wrong and empty but he remembers this from being with Jon, knows it won't last. Ryan lines himself up and presses inside and it's… really not like it was with Jon. There's so much more to adjust to and Brendon wants to thank Ryan for the extra attention he put into stretching him and also for going slow.

"I told you," and even though it's true, Ryan doesn't have to be so smug about it. He arches back, just a little and Ryan makes a choked little noise, flexing his hips forward. It burns a bit but it's worth it, teasing the smugness out of him so that his "Jesus fuck, Brendon," is low and throaty.

Ryan rolls his hips forward and reaches for Brendon's cock, batting Brendon's hand away to wrap his fingers around him, stroking in time to the movement of his hips. "You're so fucking tight," Ryan whispers, mouth hot up against his ear, his words making Brendon shiver. It shouldn't be as hot as it is, what Ryan's saying is kind of dirty but Brendon loves it anyway.

"So pretty, you're so pretty like this Brendon. You're always pretty but Jesus, like this, all spread open for me," Ryan presses his thumb against the underside of Brendon's cock and just that quickly Brendon's coming, face pressed to his pillow to muffle the sounds escaping from his mouth. He should be embarrassed for coming so quickly but Ryan doesn't seem to mind. He speeds up, hips snapping forward, hitting that place inside of Brendon and sending little sparks of pleasure throughout his body.

Ryan comes inside of him, one last hard thrust forward before his entire body stills and then goes lax. He pulls out, rolling onto his side next to Brendon and pulling Brendon close for a kiss. And Brendon knows what to expect by now, how oddly open and vulnerable he feels, naked and sweaty with come running down his thighs. He's used to the rush of affection, the high of release mixed with his own feelings. All he can do it kiss Ryan back, reach out to pull him even closer and capture his mouth with all the fierceness of his own emotions.

He tries to put it all into his kiss, tries to translate the overwhelming love he feels for all of them into the press of his mouth, the tangle of their tongues together. He doesn't think he's successful and for a moment he wishes he had Ryan's skill with words. He wishes he could explain it to Ryan, make him understand how much Brendon loves him, loves them all.

"Go to sleep, Brendon," Ryan whispers against his mouth, tucking Brendon up against his side and pulling the covers up over them both. Brendon rests his head on Ryan's chest, listens to the soft rhythm of his heart and hopes it's enough.

 

In the morning, Ryan wakes him by pressing a kiss to the top of his spine. "I have to leave, Brendon," he says, words muffled against Brendon's neck. "You should probably be getting up." Brendon arches his back, stretching out underneath Ryan and feels the familiar scratch of Ryan's clothes all along his body. When he turns over, he sees that Ryan's fully dressed for work.

"You're leaving right now?" Brendon asks, because he thought he'd get to make stupid googly faces at Ryan over breakfast like Jon does. Ryan just nods towards the digital clock on his nightstand and when Brendon looks the LED display says it's nearly eight. Ryan doesn't to leave now, he has to leave ten minutes ago. "Why didn't you wake me?"

Ryan ducks his head. "You were sleeping, you looked really peaceful," he shrugs. "I'm waking you now, aren't I?" He touches Brendon's face and leans in to kiss him, licking into his mouth despite Brendon's morning breath. "Thank you, for last night."

And of all the things Brendon expected this morning, that wasn't one of them. "Don't thank me, I need to thank you! That was… it was perfect, Ryan I-" Ryan cuts him off with another kiss, thumb running over Brendon's cheek.

"I really have to go, Brendon but me too, everything I know you're about to say, me too. I'm so glad, you don't even know how glad I am but I really, really have to go." He kisses Brendon again, pressing his body against Brendon's and Brendon sighs and kisses back. He doesn't want to say goodbye, but he does and when Ryan looks back over his shoulder at him, Brendon thinks he sees something very much like a smile on his face.

Spencer has a bowl of oatmeal ready for him when he gets downstairs, fully dressed and trying to look as respectable as possible. Spencer's reading the newspaper, legs crossed with a half empty glass of juice in front of him. He doesn't look up when Brendon sits down and for a second, Brendon thinks maybe he's in the clear, maybe Spencer slept through everything.

"So," Spencer says, once Brendon's closed his mouth around his first bite of oatmeal. "Do anything fun last night?" he looks up over his newspaper, when he says it, raising one eyebrow, voice completely dry.

Brendon blinks twice before breaking out in a blush that he's nearly certain goes all the way down to his toes. "I, umm, that is-"

"Calm down, Brendon, I'm kidding with you," Spencer's smiling now, that rare grin that makes Brendon smile back. He's still blushing, but he doesn't feel awkward about it. "Big day today, isn't it?" and just like that, Brendon feels looser, more relaxed. It is a big day, it's Alice's recital and Jon's supposed to be home tomorrow and he laid with Ryan last night. He can hardly believe how much is happening.

He spends the day nervous and jittery, getting progressively more so the closer it gets to being time for him to leave. Spencer puts up with it well, only asking him to stop pacing twice before finally suggesting he do something with all of his nervous energy. Brendon takes deep breaths, trying to force himself to be calm before giving up and deciding that what he really needs to do is scrub the grout in the kitchen.

Spencer interrupts him halfway through, running his hand down Brendon's back and resting it just above where his bottom flares out and startling him out of his concentration on a particularly stubborn stain. "Brendon," Spencer says. "You might want to think about getting cleaned up."

Brendon looks up at the digital display on the stove. It's half past three. He's supposed to be at Bill and Barb's by a quarter after four for dinner and pictures and so they can all ride together to Alice's school.

"I'm late!" he shouts, sitting up so fast he worries for a second about knocking into Spencer. Spencer just grabs the brush out of his hand and hauls him up, shoving him towards the stairs with a smack on his rear.

He showers as quickly as he can, rinsing off the chemical smell of cleaning products and washing his hair. He towels off in a rush before pulling on the outfit he chose for tonight. He's wearing the same thing he wore to his interview, dark jeans and the button up shirt. He stops for just a second to glance at himself in the mirror, remembering how much Jon had admired how he looked in these. He wonders what Jon's doing right now, wonders if he remembered what today is, why it's important to Brendon.

"Thinking about doing something different with your hair?" Spencer asks, coming up behind him and wrapping one arm around Brendon's waist. He runs his free hand through Brendon's wet hair, watching him in the mirror, a considering look on his face.

"Just the usual, do you think I should do something different?" He frowns at the mirror, wondering what else he might do. Behind him, Spencer shrugs, his arms tightening around Brendon's waist.

"You looked so serious. I thought you were trying to figure out something and since your hair wasn't done so I assumed… is it something else?" Spencer runs his hand over Brendon's stomach, small, soothing circles and Brendon can feel his tension easing even more.

"Do you think Jon said a blessing for me this morning?" he asks, unsure how to phrase this desire inside of him to want to know if Jon's thinking of him, of them. Over the shoulder in the mirror, Spencer frowns.

"I'm sure he wished you luck, Brendon," Spencer says, biting his lip and clearly hesitating. "Brendon… you know that makes Jon uncomfortable, right? Laying blessings and the whole priesthood holder thing?"

Brendon blinks at Spencer in the mirror, swallowing hard. "But the principle, he's our spiritual anchor, our guide to celestial heaven. We-"

"Brendon!" Spencer interrupts, squeezing him tightly against Spencer's front. "We are, we're living the principle but Jon doesn't agree with all of the teachings." Brendon doesn't know what to say to that. All he's ever wanted was to find a husband to faithfully serve in this world and the next. It's what he was raised to want, what his mother told him over and over again that he needed to find.

"We're all going to spend eternity together, Brendon, don't worry about that," Spencer says, like he can read Brendon's mind and Brendon looks back up, meets Spencer's eyes in the mirror. "We're a family, forever, Jon just thinks some of the rules we're taught are unfair and Ryan and I agree with him." Brendon grins at that, turning his head to kiss Spencer's cheek.

"Like the rules of us working and how you talk back to Jon and the other stuff…" Brendon blushes, cutting himself off for a second but manages to continue. "Like how we're able to lay with each other?"

"Yeah, exactly," Spencer's grinning at him in the mirror and Brendon can't help but grin back. "Did… never mind." Spencer cuts himself off, goes to step away from Brendon but Brendon grabs hold of his hand, keeps him close.

"What?" he asks, tilting his head at the way Spencer blushes and bites his lip.

"Last night, when you and Ryan… it was good, right?" Spencer finally says, face pressed against Brendon's neck like that could hide his blush. Brendon can feel himself blushing too, face, neck and chest flushing hotly, but he nods.

"It was. Ryan was amazing and it was… different, not bad or anything, but different from when Jon does it you know?" Brendon squeezes Spencer's hand, smiling shyly at him but that just makes Spencer flush harder.

"No, actually, I don't. Ryan and I have never… not _that_," and Brendon's eyes go wide. If Ryan and Spencer haven't… what if _is_ a problem? He swallows hard and tries to make the sinking feeling in his stomach go away. Surely Spencer would say something if there were something wrong?

"You should finish getting ready, I'm holding you up," Spencer finally says, squeezing Brendon one more time before stepping away.

 

Brendon finishes dressing in a rush, fixing his hair and kissing Spencer good-bye. He rides his bike to Bill and Barb's, ringing the doorbell and nervously smoothing his clothes. He's just in time for dinner and Barb ushers him inside. He's relieved to see that she's just as nervous as he is.

"Brendon!" Alice calls out, running down the stairs and flinging her arms around him. She's wearing a new dress, it's long and white with yellow flowers on the skirt and she has matching yellow satin ribbons in her hair. She's looks beautiful.

"Looks like our star is ready for her big debut," he says, hugging her close and swinging her around. "You look lovely."

"Can I tell you a secret?" Alice whispers in his ear and Brendon nods. "I'm scared."

"I was scared the first time I ever played in front of people too," he tells her, voice low. "You know what I did?"

"What?" Alice asks, eyes wide and serious.

"I let all of the people who loved me carry my nervousness for me; my brothers and my sisters and… my parents," he stops himself from saying 'mothers and father' just in time, and continues on. "I gave them each a hug before I went on and let go of some of my fear into each of them, let them carry it for me. Do you think you could do that?" Alice nods and jumps down, running for the dining room.

"You're so good with her, Brendon," Barb says, walking up beside him with a smock over her arm. "I can only hope the Lord sees fit to see you have your own children some day." Brendon doesn't know what to say to that, but he also wishes for there to be children in his family's future so he just nods and follows Barb into the dining room.

The table is set and the food looks delicious. Barb kneels down next to Alice and starts tying the smock over her to protect her dress and Brendon is surprised when he looks to Bill and sees him talking with Shane.

"Brendon," Shane says with a grin, pulling out the chair next to him for Brendon to sit in.

"Hello, Shane. I didn't expect to see you here tonight," Brendon says, taking his seat and folding his hands in his lap. "Are you here so you can say you knew Alice Henrickson when?" He turns towards Alice when he says it, making a funny face that has her giggling.

"I'm making a video for the school and Bill and Barb invited me to dinner. They mentioned you'd be here and I just couldn't refuse." Shane's smiling at him when he says it, warm and open and inviting. For a second all Brendon can think is how much nicer Jon's smile is, how much he wishes it were Jon taking video of Alice's recital.

"It's a pleasure to see you again," is what he finally says, smiling pleasantly.

"All right," Barb interrupts, much to Brendon's relief. "Time to say grace so we can have supper and get to school." She reaches for Alice and Brendon's hands and Brendon's done this, he knows how to say grace as a group. As he takes Shane's hand he reminds himself that there is only one God, that there's no sacrilege in saying grace with the LDS.

"And may you give strength to our Alice," Bill is saying when Brendon starts paying attention and he realizes he's missed most of the prayer. "Both tonight and throughout her life. And may you bless us all and our loved ones, both living and departed from us, including… Brendon, what was your husband's name?"

And just like that, all eyes are on Brendon. "Jon," he says, because it's the truth. He closes his eyes afterwards though, praying that the Lord doesn't punish him for the lies he's telling.

"-especially Brendon's Jon. Lead and guide us all with your knowing and loving hand, Amen."

"Amen," they all answer before they begin to eat.

 

Alice is amazing, nearly flawless and before she goes on she hugs her mother, her father, Shane and then Brendon before running off with a little smile just for him. She wins fourth place and Brendon cries, hugging Barb and Bill and even Shane he's so happy. He apologizes, scandalized by his behavior but Shane had assured him it was all right.

He's riding his bike home from Bill and Barb's, having turned down a trip for celebratory ice cream in favor of getting home to Ryan and Spencer. He feels like he's floating and he just wants to share that. He wants Spencer to give him his rare grin and Ryan to squeeze his hand, wants both of them to hold him close and congratulate him.

The house is dark when he pulls in and he leans his bike against the porch as quietly as possible, wanting to surprise them. He lets himself inside and looks into the living room, frowning when he doesn't see them. The remnants of dinner are on the table and that more than anything makes Brendon climb the stairs as quickly as he can.

There are noises coming from Spencer's room when he gets to the top of the stairs and he wouldn't look, but the door is wide open.

Spencer's on his side, completely naked, pale skin practically glowing in the light filtering in from the streetlights outside. Ryan's behind him, one hand on his thigh, holding him open and his face pressed against Spencer's neck. It's obvious by the way they're moving on the bed just what they're doing and that alone would be enough to make Brendon blindingly hard, but there's more. Jon's in front of Spencer, head moving rhythmically over his lap, one hand gripping tightly to Spencer's hip.

He blinks and Jon's pulling back, rubbing his beard against Spencer's thigh and running one finger around Spencer's hole, where he's stretched around Ryan's cock. "We love you, Spencer," Jon says and behind Spencer, Ryan tightens his grip on Spencer's thigh.

"We do, Spencer, we both do, so fucking much," Ryan adds, thrusting forward harder, kissing Spencer's throat.

"Both of you. I need you both, want you both," Spencer says, one hand reaching down to tangle in Jon's hair. "I always did." Jon groans and leans back in, closing his mouth around Spencer again.

"Always," Spencer repeats, arching back against Ryan before thrusting forward into Jon's mouth. "It wasn't right until I had you both. Jon, _Ryan_."

They all look so happy, so beautiful Brendon wants to cry just looking at them and so sinfully desirable Brendon aches for them. More than anything though, they look complete, they look happy and Brendon can't begrudge them that. The three of them deserve this, they belong together and they've been working towards this for years.

He feels tears pricking at his eyes and staring at his family, wrapped tightly around each other to the complete exclusion of anyone else in the world, including him, he's never felt so alone. He goes to his room, as quietly as possible and begins to dress for bed. It's his first night sleeping alone in days and he kneels in front of his bed to say his prayers, remembering to thank the Lord for helping Spencer, Ryan and Jon find their way to each other.

Crying silently into his pillow, he tries to convince himself that it's all right, that it's for Spencer, Ryan and Jon and that he'd do anything for them. He can't stop thinking of them, tangled together; Jon's mouth on Spencer, Ryan inside of him and even his sorrow can't stop the memory of affecting him. He turns over onto his stomach, biting his lip and rocking his hips ever so slightly against the bed.

The friction feels good, if not as good as when one of the others does it for him and he buries his face in his pillow, rocking harder against the bed. The pillow still smells like Ryan, like the fancy shampoo he uses in his hair and the sleepy scent of him when he's just drifting off to sleep. He whimpers, swallowing hard so the others don't hear him and comes against the bed, pajamas sticky with it.

_It's enough that I'm here_ he thinks, wrapping himself around the pillow that smells like his brotherwife and wishing he were in Spencer's room, that he were part of the three of them. _It's enough that Jon would never send me away_. He wonders if he's breaking his promise to Ryan but weighed against Ryan happy, Ryan having everything he so clearly wants… Brendon doesn't see his promise as all that important.

What's Brendon's happiness against theirs? What's his happiness when compared to the happiness of the three people he loves most in the world? He wipes his eyes and lays his head down, determined to be the brotherwife and boywife they deserve.

 

Brendon pretends to be surprised to see Jon in the morning, widening his eyes, opening his mouth in shock, like he would if he didn't already know Jon was here. The hug he gives Jon though, wrapping his arms around Jon's shoulders and burying his face against Jon's neck, relaxing into the way Jon rests one hand on Brendon's hip, the other on his back, that's completely real. He means it with his entire body because he _missed_ Jon and he wanted him here and even knowing he doesn't really have Jon, not like Spencer and Ryan do, doesn't lessen how happy he is to be touching Jon again.

"Good morning to you too," Jon says, tipping Brendon's chin down and leaning in to press his mouth to Brendon's. Soft lips, scratch of Jon's beard and it's perfect, so, so fucking perfect. He tightens his grip on Jon's shoulders, squeezing tight. "I missed you too, Brendon." He says it softly against Brendon's mouth, more breath than words. Brendon's never been more happy to hear anything in his life.

Jon came home as early as he could, was almost rude in how quickly he dealt with his business in Chicago and is expecting to catch an earful from his superiors for it. "I really can't make myself care though," he says, looking around the table at Brendon and Spencer and if Ryan didn't have to work this morning, he'd certainly be looking at him too. "I got everything I had to get done and now I'm home with my beautiful boywives. I regret nothing."

Brendon gets up to grab Jon more coffee, because he can, because Jon is here and not in Chicago and now everything can be like it was, like it's supposed to be. Once he's finished pouring coffee into Jon's mug, Jon grabs hold of his hips, pulling him down into his lap. "So tell me how it went last night," Jon says, trailing kisses over the back of Brendon's neck.

It's more forward than Jon tends to be in front of the others, this kind of touching and kissing and Brendon blushes, not looking at Spencer. For a second he blanks on what Jon might mean because there's no way he knows that Brendon saw, no way any of them know. But then he remembers the talent show, how excited he's been for weeks in anticipation of it.

"Alice won fourth place," he says, leaning into Jon, letting Jon splay his hands across his stomach but keeping his head ducked so he doesn't have to see how Spencer's reacting to it. He doesn't want Spencer to feel left out but… Spencer's the one who got to have Jon last night. Brendon will take what he's given. "She was perfect, near flawless and pretty as a picture. She was so happy, she got a little trophy and everything."

Brendon tells them both all about it, Alice's dress and how horrible some of those other kids were. He doesn't get off of Jon's lap and eventually Spencer must check his watch or something because he stands, wiping his mouth and grabbing his plate to put in the sink.

"I'm running late, could you do the dishes for me Brendon?" Spencer asks. "I'm supposed to be in town to help Mrs. Salpeter with her bookkeeping in about twenty minutes." Brendon just nods, because of course he'll help Spencer and Spencer grins down at him for a second before bending forward and pressing a kiss to Brendon's mouth.

It's the first time Brendon's ever kissed one of the others in front of Jon, kissed them like this at least because Spencer cups his cheek and tilts his face up, licks into Brendon's mouth. He's confident and sure and it leaves Brendon a little breathless, blinking stupidly when Spencer pulls away from him but leans in further to kiss Jon over his shoulder. Jon leans forward and the result is Brendon pressed between Spencer's chest and Jon's, the two of them sharing a lazy kiss right next to Brendon's face.

He watches, obviously; Jon's hand in Spencer's hair and Spencer's hand rubbing lightly at Jon's thigh. It doesn't last long, Spencer and Jon are too well-mannered for that, but it leaves Brendon feeling warm all over, like he's aroused without being hard.

 

"So what're you doing today?" Brendon asks Jon once Spencer's left. His head is tipped back on Jon's shoulder and Jon's hand is a warm, heavy weight around his waist.

"Not much, I get a day of rest from work at the office and around the house. I was thinking about watching the game, maybe call Tom or something," Jon tells him, scratching Brendon's belly like he was a cat.

"You should invite Tom over so you can watch the game together," Brendon lays his hand over Jon's, brushing his fingers against his knuckles. "It's been a while since you saw him."

"It's been a while since I've seen you," Jon answers, pressing a kiss to Brendon's cheek. "I can see him later and the game isn't really important. We should do something together."

"What if we watch the game and invite Tom over, together?" and yes, Brendon's being overly bold but he gets the feeling Jon likes him that way.

"You seriously want to hang out with Tom and watch football?" Jon asks and Brendon just nods. It's what Jon had planned on doing and Brendon wants to do things Jon likes. He doesn't get to do them very often, between the three of them and work. Jon just wraps his arms around Brendon's chest and squeezes him tight.

 

Tom brings the beer and Brendon and Jon make snacks, which mostly consists of putting chips and pretzels in bowls and making dip. Jon tells him it's perfect, pulling him up against his side and kissing the side of his head.

"God damnit! Get some fucking glasses you blind motherfucker!" Tom shouts when a penalty is called on BYU and Brendon's face goes red. He's used to swearing, or at least he thought he was. Jon and Ryan and even Spencer do it on occasion. "Fucker! I have a dead grandma that could have called that play better than you!"

It's not the first time Jon or Tom has had an outburst at the television. They both tend to get worked up over plays and calls and they have this adorable little victory dance they do together anytime BYU scores. This is just the first time Tom's been quite so forceful with the swearing and anger.

Jon must notice because he runs his hand through Brendon's hair. "Tom," he says, warningly.

"What? Walker if those motherfuckers just handed Utah a touchdown with that bullshit yardage penalty I swear I'm going to break something," Tom says, not looking away from the screen where sure enough, Utah is making a running play.

"Tom!" Jon says again and Tom looks back and it's like he's noticing Brendon for the first time. His mouth snaps shut and he reaches up to rub his neck, biting his lip. He's the perfect picture of _uh oh_ and that alone almost makes Brendon laugh.

"It's okay, you two are really into this. I get it and I mean, I like football too." Brendon tries to reassure him and Tom laughs and shakes his head.

"I'll keep the swearing and blasphemy to a minimum, Brendon. I'm sorry," Tom says and leans back with another beer.

 

BYU wins, seventeen to ten and Tom and Jon are almost deliriously happy, dancing around the room and making multiple toasts to Mendenhall and BYU's impending ownership of the Boot. Brendon has no idea what they're talking about and they both sound a little crazy, but it's obvious they're happy so he cheers along.

"How did these two idiots convince you to watch football with them?" Spencer asks when he gets home and Jon and Tom still aren't done with their celebration.

"Ha!" Jon shouts from where he and Tom are throwing pretzels at what Brendon thinks is supposed to be an Eagle that's made entirely out of chips. Brendon assumes the eagle is Utah's mascot; either that or Jon and Tom really did go crazy. "Brendon volunteered, thank you! And besides, it was the Holy War! How could we miss the Holy War?"

Spencer just shakes his head and Tom throws a pretzel at him too. "Oh, suddenly you've lost your Cougar spirit? Brendon, don't let him fool you. He was at every game with us. I'm not kidding, he had a bitch of a flu one month and still he was in the bleachers with us."

"He was so cute too, wrapped up head to toe in jackets, scarves, gloves and this thick wool hat," Jon looks over at Spencer when he says it and Spencer blushes, looking down. "We had so much fun."

"Everyone went to football games," and Spencer's still blushing but he's looking at Brendon now. "The entire school went and everything interesting happened there too." Brendon can guess though, at how soft his face gets while he's talking about it and looking at Jon, that it probably wasn't about all of the other people.

Tom has to leave then and he passes Ryan on his way out before shouting back to all of them, "Go Cougars!" complete with overly enthusiastic victory arms.

Ryan ducks under Tom's arms as he walks by. "What about Cougars?" he asks, taking off his jacket and Spencer just shakes his head.

 

They're in the kitchen, Brendon and Jon cleaning up from the game and Spencer and Ryan sitting at the table when Brendon first notices. It isn't anything too obvious; he might even be making it up. He's washing the chip bowls and when he looks up Jon, Spencer and Ryan are all watching each other. Ryan's hand is resting on the back of Spencer's and Jon's watching them both, licking his lips and if that wasn't a give away the heat in his eyes would be.

It's Spencer's night with Jon and Brendon can't help the way his hands clench into fists at the thought of having to listen to the three of them. The way Ryan makes the bed creak incessantly and Spencer's soft moans, he knows he can't handle it. Jon brings another bowl to him, pressing one hand to the small of Brendon's back. He kisses Brendon's cheek and Brendon tells himself it's enough.

"I love you," Brendon whispers to Jon, so low the others can't hear it.

"I love you too, Brendon," Jon tells him with a smile and then goes back to sitting with Spencer and Ryan.

Barb calls just as Brendon's finishing drying his hands. "Bill and I were thinking about going out for dinner with some friends, would you like to join us?" she asks and it feels like perfect timing.

"I'd love to, Barb," he tells her and Jon frowns and raises an eyebrow. "I can probably be there in an hour or so? Just to give me some time to freshen up." Jon's still frowning when Brendon hangs up and he reaches out one hand for Brendon's.

"What was that about?" he asks.

"Barb and Bill wanted to invite me out to dinner," Brendon tells him, squeezing Jon's hand with a smile. It's perfect, really. He can go out and by the time he gets back, Spencer, Ryan and Jon can be finished with… everything.

"And you're going?" Jon sounds a bit hurt and Brendon supposes that's fair. Jon's been away, it's been a while since they were all together. But Brendon's stomach turns at the idea having to listen to the three of them laying together, enjoying each other in a way he's not invited to at all.

He forces a smile. "Bill and Barb are the first friends I've made here, Jon. I just thought it might be nice to spend time with them," he says, folding his hands in front of him. It's not fair, not really, because if there's one thing Jon would never do, it's get in the way of Brendon making friends. Jon nods, biting his lip and hooking his thumbs in his beltloops.

"You'll be back later though, right?" Jon asks and Brendon nods, because he will, even if he is hoping to stay out late enough to miss seeing them all tonight. But he'll be back tonight and in the morning they can all eat breakfast together.

 

He kisses Jon goodbye and bikes over to Barb and Bill's. He then spends nearly a half hour playing Go-Fish with Alice and her sitter while Bill paces in the hall and shouts the time up the stairs to Barb. "What do you do up there?" Bill asks once they're in the car and on their way. He sounds exasperated but not angry, like he's genuinely curious. "You were dressed and had your hair done when I went downstairs, what took so long?"

It's a familiar argument, one Brendon's heard before almost any time he's gone out with Ryan and Spencer. They went out to dinner once, while Jon was away and Spencer had spent the entire drive to the restaurant asking Ryan what could have taken him so long to get dressed. He sits in the backseat, listening to the Tabernacle Choir coming in softly over the speakers and letting the familiarity of the good-natured discussion wash over him.

The familiarity continues when Bill pulls into the parking lot for Bouchon's because this is where Spencer and Ryan took Brendon for dinner. It was nice at the time, soft candlelight reflecting off of Spencer's smile and the beads on Ryan's bracelets. He wonders how different it will be this time, with Bill and Barb instead of Ryan and Spencer but he smiles and climbs out of the car, chatting pleasantly with Barb about the new dress she's wearing.

He's surprised when they're led to a table and Shane's already sitting there, but he shrugs that of because Shane is Bill and Barb's friend too and there's no reason they should go without having him around. "Mr. Valdez," he says, nodding to Shane. "What a pleasant surprise."

Brendon's surprised again when the waitress comes and Shane orders juice for him. It's exactly what he'd planned on ordering (because he'd mentioned looking forward to trying guava-passion fruit juice) but it still seems a bit rude and presumptuous. Then Shane mentions putting Brendon's drink on his check and Brendon's spine stiffens.

"Barb?" he says, tapping her arm. "I need to speak to you." He stands then, making his way towards the bathrooms, not waiting for Barb to acknowledge what he said.

"Why did Shane say he's going to pay for me?" he asks her the second she turns the corner.

Barb has the decency to look embarrassed for a second but then she's smiling and reaching out to touch Brendon's arm. "Shane's been talking to us, Brendon. He wants to court you and we told him how traditionally you were raised and we all thought this sort of evening would be best. This way Bill and I can be your chaperones and you can still get to know him."

He's on a date. He's being courted by someone who isn't his husband. Brendon's stomach tightens and for a horrible second he's certain he's going to be sick. "Barb, I'm not… I don't-"

"Brendon, we know you miss your husband and we're sure you'll see him again in heaven," she's stroking his arm, hand moving soothingly over the fabric of his shirt. "But do you really think he wants you to be alone for the rest of your life? Don't you think he wants you to have a family?"

"I-" Brendon has no idea what to say, no clue what he can say. It doesn't make any sense and he can't explain it to her. He's cut off by someone running into him.

"I'm sorry about... Brendon?" It's Jon. Jon's here and he'll see; he'll know that Brendon's on a date.

"Jon, what's taking you- oh!" Ryan comes around the corner and cuts himself off, blinking at everyone congregated in front of the bathrooms. Brendon wants to die.

"Jon?" Barb asks, looking between the three of them. "But you said Jon was dead." Brendon can see when she puts it together. Her gaze flicks over the ring on Ryan's finger, the one that's exactly like the one Brendon wears, the one Jon's wearing. She blinks, shaking her head like she can't believe it before turning to Brendon. "You? No, _NO_."

Brendon knows in that moment, that he'll never forget the look on Barb's face. The revulsion and anger and naked disgust twisting her pretty face into something horrible. "I trusted you. I trusted you with my _child_ and all along, you were… How _could_ you?"

"Ma'am," Jon says, laying one comforting hand on Brendon's arm. "I don't appreciate you talking to him that way."

"I couldn't care less," Barb spits, spine straightening, hands balling into fists at her side. "I don't want to see you ever again. Don't come to our house, don't wave at us in the store, don't even _think_ about seeing Alice again or I'll call the police on you. Do you understand me?"

She isn't even talking to Brendon anymore, just staring at the wall between Brendon and Jon and all Brendon can do is nod. She turns on her heel and storms off, headed back for their table, probably to tell Bill and Shane. So much for Brendon's friends.

"I'm sorry, Jon," Brendon says and Jon pulls him up against his side, puts his arms around him in a tight hug. It feels perfect, exactly what he needs right now so he hugs back, squeezing as tight as he can.

"Shhhh," he says, rubbing Brendon's back. "Ryan, can you and Spencer go grab the car?" And Brendon had forgotten for second that Ryan was here, that Jon and Ryan being here meant Spencer would be too. It suddenly occurs to him that they were on a date, the three of them. They were having dinner before they went back home to do… what it is they do together now, together.

"I didn't mean to ruin your evening," Brendon tells him, pressing his face into Jon's neck. Jon just shushes him, running his hand soothingly down his back.

"You couldn't ruin anything, Brendon, least of all the three of us having dinner," he says, mouth pressed against Brendon's hair.

 

He sits with Jon in the backseat, head on Jon's shoulder and Jon's hand around his. "You guys didn't have to cancel dinner," he says and Spencer snorts derisively from the front seat.

"Brendon, don't be stupid," Spencer says and when Brendon looks up, Spencer's watching him in the rearview mirror.

"I'm just saying thank you. I know what tonight meant for you and I'm grateful," Brendon tells him.

"Tonight isn't special, Brendon," Ryan says, turning around to look at him. Brendon fidgets with Jon's hand and bites his lip. "No seriously, Brendon. It wasn't a special occasion or anything."

"I know about you," he tells Ryan, staring at his own lap and not daring to look up. Beside him, Jon's entire body goes tense. "I know about all of you and… and what you do. I know tonight was more than dinner."

"Brendon-" Jon starts but Brendon keeps going, because if Jon starts talking about it he'll cry and that'll give them the wrong impression. Brendon's fine with this, he's completely _fine_.

"I'm fine with it," he says out loud, swallowing hard and still not looking up. "I'm completely fine with the three of you. I'm happy it makes you happy. That's all I want for you all to be happy." It's true, it's the single truest thing he's ever said. Anything is worth is if Spencer, Ryan and Jon are happy.

"Oh, that's… good," Jon says and Brendon can practically hear the fast and furious eye contact that's going on just over his head. It's a silent, tense ride home and Brendon hopes the others aren't mad at him. He doesn't think he said anything that would make them mad but every time he sneaks a glance at the front seat, Ryan and Spencer are having one of those silent conversations they're so good at and every so often Ryan looks back at Jon to include him as well.

He's left out, again and as they pull into the driveway, Brendon wipes his face with his sleeve, hoping the others won't notice. "It's okay, Brendon," Jon tells him, hugging him close and guiding him up the path into the house. He walks with him upstairs and into Brendon's room.

Brendon goes to his dresser and pulls out a pair of pajama pants. "You don't have to stay," he tells Jon. "I know it's not my night and I know you had plans." He slips into the bathroom to change and brush his teeth but when he looks up, Jon is leaning in the doorway watching him.

"You just got _fired_, Brendon," Jon's voice is disbelieving and he comes up behind him, putting his arms around Brendon's waist. "You just lost your only friends and they said horrible, ugly things to you. Spencer will understand." Jon presses a kiss to Brendon's temple and it feels so good. Brendon could lean back into Jon and let Jon take him to bed, it would be perfect.

It's wrong though, he refuses to get between Spencer, Ryan and Jon. "No," he says, trying to shrug Jon off. "I won't be in the way, Jon. Go on, I'll be okay." He leans forward, eyes downcast and not meeting Jon's in the mirror while he rinses his toothbrush.

"You're not in the way, Brendon. You could never be in the way." Jon doesn't move away, doesn't let Brendon shake him off. He leans his face against Brendon's and Brendon tries as hard as he can to avoid his eyes in the mirror.

"I'm just trying to make sure I keep it that way," Brendon tells him. He blinks down at the sink because he can feel his eyes burning and doesn't want Jon to see it.

"Brendon?" Jon asks, reaching up to sweep his thumb over the tear tracks under Brendon's eye. He turns abruptly, so quick Jon has no choice but to let go and goes back to his room.

"Go on, Jon," he says, turning down the bed. "I'll be fine."

"You're crying. Stop telling me you're okay because you aren't. You're _crying_." He's never seen Jon look this stubborn, chin lifted and eyes resolute. He looks just like Spencer when Spencer's dug his heels in on something.

"I'm just a little upset." Brendon slides into bed, pulling the covers up to his chin, his back to Jon. "Go on, they're waiting for you." Jon doesn't take the out though, doesn't head for the door. Instead he lies down beside Brendon, under the covers and puts his arm around Brendon again.

It's exactly what he wants, someone to make him feel better, someone to make it all better. He wants Jon to stay, rub his back and kiss him softly while telling him everything is going to be fine. He wants Jon to tell him that he loves him, just as much as he loves Ryan and Spencer and just because he isn't welcome in their bed, doesn't mean they love him any less.

"I can't be in the way, Jon. You need to go, please go," Brendon asks, because he can't be this selfish. He can't keep Jon away from Ryan and Spencer.

"Do you… want to be alone?" Jon sounds completely disbelieving and Brendon can't blame him. Brendon hates being alone. He grew up with a houseful of mothers, brothers and sisters, he hates being alone more than anything else. He doesn't know what to say though, because Jon has to go but he'll know he's lying if he says no.

"Jon-" he starts but Jon tightens his arms around him.

"Brendon, don't lie to me. I want to be here for you and you're making it hard for no reason." He presses a kiss to the back of Brendon's neck, tightening his arms around him again and dropping his voice to a whisper. "Please tell me what's wrong."

Brendon starts sobbing, he can't help it. He tries to hold back the tears but it's been a long day and he's alone, even if Jon's here. He's on the outside and there's nothing he can do about it, nothing he should do about it.

"Brendon, shhhh, Brendon it's okay," he whispers, rubbing his palm over Brendon's stomach. There's a noise at the door and when Brendon looks up, Spencer's standing in the doorway, one hand still on the doorknob. He can see Ryan behind him, watching over Spencer's shoulder and he wipes at his eyes. He doesn't want Ryan and Spencer to see him crying, they won't understand it.

"Spencer and Ryan are here, Jon," he says, turning his face into the pillow. "You should go."

"Brendon, _shut up_," Spencer tells him with a sigh. "Jon's not leaving. He's staying here with you tonight because you're fucking devastated and _crying_. I don't care if it's my night. I don't care about anything but how you're feeling." Spencer comes into the room, dropping to his knees on Brendon's side of the bed.

"Ryan isn't mad?" Brendon asks while Spencer takes his hand. "I know you had plans." He lets Spencer take his hand, lets his eyes flutter shut when Spencer squeezes it.

"I want you to be happy, Brendon," Ryan says from the doorway. He's leaning against the frame, arms crossed and watching him closely. "We all want you to be happy." He pauses then, swallowing hard and gripping more tightly to the doorframe. "Brendon, you could have anything you want, you know that, right?"

"Ryan!" Spencer cuts in, turning away from Brendon so he's facing Ryan. They're having another silent discussion, eyebrows and sharp glances and the stubborn line of Ryan's mouth telling him that it's not a happy one.

"Spencer's right, Ryan. Not now," Jon cuts in. Brendon can feel Jon's words against his back, vibrating against his skin but Jon doesn't sound happy. It makes him look up and meet Ryan's eyes. Ryan just stares back, chin lifted but there's something almost pleading in his eyes.

"Anything you want, Brendon," his knuckles are nearly white against the doorframe and Brendon wants to tell him to let go, wants to warn him about hurting himself. "We can't read your mind but we want… we want," Ryan bites his lip and he's practically shaking but Brendon recognizes that look in his eyes. Brendon remembers seeing it every time he passed Ryan on the Compound. An entire community whispering about his family behind his back and Ryan would just straighten out his back and soldier through it. Ryan's never let being scared or embarrassed hold him back from something he wants.

"We want you, Brendon," Ryan says. "We understand if you don't want us, like that. It's not… it's not what we were taught. It's not what the way we're told to be but Brendon it's not-"

"It's not wrong," Spencer breaks in, likely because Ryan looks like he needed someone else to be talking. He's still shaking, leaning up against the doorframe like it's the only thing keeping him upright. "Nothing about us is wrong, Brendon."

"We're a family," Jon whispers against his neck, pulling him back against his chest. "We belong together."

It's so much. They want _him_, all of them, they don't want to keep him out. He's crying, knows he must look silly, but he's being given everything he's ever wanted. He won't have to be alone anymore.

"It's okay Brendon," Jon assures him, rubbing his stomach. "We don't expect you to, we understand, don't cry, Brendon. Please don't cry." He sounds upset, nuzzling the back of his neck and making soft _shushing_ sounds.

"No, Jon, I want, I want, it's all I've ever wanted." He reaches for Jon's hand on his stomach and squeezes it. "I'm so happy. I've never been this happy. I want to be with you, all of you. Forever."

It's been a long day and Brendon doesn't want to sleep, but Spencer strips out of his good clothes and lays down beside him, palm against Brendon's hip. Ryan shoves in behind him and there's an actual smile on his face. Brendon smiles at that and lifts his hand to thread his fingers with Ryan's. It's perfect, the four of them together, just like this and he nuzzles in against Spencer's neck to fall asleep.

Spencer strokes his hip, thumb sweeping in small circles and Brendon tilts his face up to kiss Spencer's jaw. His beard scratches at Brendon's lips but even that feels good. It tickles a bit and Brendon laughs against Spencer's chin. He's not expecting Spencer to turn his head and capture Brendon's mouth with his own. He's not really ready for Spencer's lips against his or the way Spencer's hand tightens on his hip.

They've kissed before, of course. They've even kissed while laying in bed together. They've never kissed while Jon's hand was pressed against Brendon's belly and Ryan was stroking his thumb over the back of Brendon's hand.

"_Spencer_," he half moans through languid kisses, pressing up against him as much as he can without moving away from Jon. He splays his free hand across Spencer's stomach, palm against soft skin, fingertips brushing against the top of Spencer's boxers.

"Brendon?" Spencer asks, inhaling sharply, belly going taught under Brendon's hand. "Are you sure?"

"Please," he asks, voice pleading, whisper-soft against Spencer's mouth. He wants this, needs it. He's not sure why but it doesn't feel quite real and he wants Spencer inside of him, wants to lay with Spencer and share it with Ryan and Jon. "_Please_," he asks again and Spencer presses his mouth to Brendon's in a hard kiss.

"Okay, Brendon, shhhhh," Spencer answers, shifting on top of him. He slides his tongue against Brendon's, running his hands down Brendon's sides. Spencer's going slow, slower than Brendon wants. He lifts his hips, rocking up against Spencer to show him how turned on he is, how hard just kissing has made him.

"C'mon, Spencer," he says, once Spencer's pulled back to kiss across Brendon's neck.

"He'll just go slower," Ryan whispers in his ear. He's shifted closer, pressed up against Brendon's side like Spencer was earlier, like Jon still is.

"It's true," Jon's smiling when he says it, biting his lip like he can't believe this is real either but clearly willing to go along. "Spencer's a tease."

"Spencer's still in the room," Spencer cuts in before scraping his teeth across Brendon's collarbone. Brendon arches his hips, moaning low and Ryan reaches up to cup his face. Long fingers against his jaw, he tilts Brendon's head to the side and kisses him. Ryan bites softly at his lower lip and Brendon can hear Jon rustling around in the end table but he can't concentrate on it.

Spencer pulls at the waistband of Brendon's pajama pants, peeling them down and Brendon lifts his hips, moaning into Ryan's mouth when Jon comes back and bites down on one of his nipples. It's so much, and Ryan reaches up to card his fingers through Brendon's hair, steadying him. "I want-," he whispers against Ryan's mouth and Ryan bites softly at his lower lip.

"Let us take care of you," Ryan whispers, voice low. "We want whatever you want but you have to trust us to get you there."

Brendon nods, glancing down at Spencer and shivers when he catches sight of Jon's mouth around Spencer's fingers. He's leaning forward, mouth spread wide and Brendon can see Jon's tongue every time Spencer presses his fingers forward, just a little. Jon's hands are in Spencer's lap, thumb against the head of Spencer's cock, spreading his precome over the head.

For a second, Brendon wonders if this is what Jon and Spencer look like when it's just them. Jon's eyes are closed and Spencer's staring, like he might have forgotten about Brendon. And Brendon wouldn't blame him, not when Jon's face is lit up like this. Jon opens his eyes though, eyelids lifting quick enough to catch Spencer staring and Brendon can see his cheeks hollow slightly when he sucks harder.

Ryan turns his face again, then. He runs his tongue across Brendon's lower lip like a tease and Brendon's surprised when he feels Spencer and Jon's hands tugging his legs apart. He spreads his thighs, tilting his hips up in a way that he knows puts his entrance on display. There's a blush on his cheeks, he knows there is because he was taught not to be like this. Brendon was taught not to be so enthusiastic, not to beg for sexual pleasure with his words or with his body.

_Wanton_, his mother would say, _Slut_, the less forgiving members of their congregation would state. Brendon doesn't care. He spreads his thighs and arches, licking into Ryan's mouth and moans when Spencer's spit-wet fingers slide into him. It's not slick enough, too much burn and an almost uncomfortable stretch but Brendon rocks his hips down and whimper-groans into Ryan's mouth anyway. He shoves down the shame because the three of them don't care if he's slutty and enthusiastic; they want him just like this.

He can feel Jon's hand on his thigh, thick fingers steady against his pulse there. The back of someone's knuckles brush against his balls and there's cool slick being poured over Spencer's fingers and his own entrance. He shivers but Spencer's next press inside of him is a lot smoother and this time when he rocks back onto Spencer's fingers there's nothing pained in his moan.

His eyes are closed, biting his lip with his head tilted back when Jon wraps his fist around Brendon's cock. Luckily Ryan is there to swallow his moan, licking his way into Brendon's mouth, keeping him from waking the neighbors. He rocks up, into Jon's hand and he doesn't realize he's shut his eyes until he feels Spencer press a third finger inside. He opens his eyes wide then, tongue working against Ryan's but glancing down, watching Spencer intently.

He sees it when Spencer leans forward to whisper something in Jon's ear, knows from the way Jon shudders that he's saying something Brendon would like. His suspicions are confirmed when Jon slides back on the bed, just enough so he can lean forward properly. He bends over Brendon's body, lips parted and Brendon knows what's coming, is already shivering in anticipation of it but it doesn't stop him from tightening his fingers against the sheets. "_Jon_,"he says, words caught by Ryan's mouth but he knows Jon hears it because he hums around him.

Jon's beard brushes against his thighs, thick and wiry and Brendon hopes he's covered in beardburn tomorrow. He hopes he'll have something to touch to remind him of this, of the wet heat of Jon's mouth around him while Spencer opens him up, fingers twisting inside of him-

"Hey!" he pulls away from Ryan when Spencer pulls his fingers out of him, ready to be indignant but Spencer just grins up at him and Jon pinches his thigh.

"Greedy, Brendon," Ryan teases, running the tip of his tongue over the shell of Brendon's ear. He feels sort of foolish now, watching Spencer slick himself while Jon keeps Brendon's legs spread. Of course they wouldn't leave him like this. Spencer lines himself up, pressing inside. It's a bit of a stretch and Brendon finds himself reaching out for whatever is closest. That turns out to be Ryan. He threads his fingers with Brendon's and when Brendon looks over, he's watching Spencer push into him.

"Spencer," Brendon cries out before biting his lip. He rolls his hips down, because he is kind of greedy and wants this, so fucking much. Spencer just reaches down so his palm is against Brendon's hip and presses down, keeping his hips against the bed.

Jon pulls off for just a second. "Told you," he says, flicking his tongue over the head of Brendon's cock. Brendon thinks about saying something smart to that but Spencer cuts off any thoughts whatsoever by choosing that moment to thrust forward.

Brendon squeezes Ryan's hand, gasping. Jon closes his mouth around him again and for a second Brendon thinks it might be too much sensation. It's too much and too good and he's shaking with it. He wouldn't expect Ryan pressing his mouth to Brendon's would be the answer but it is. The firm pressure of Ryan's lips provides an anchor for him, something to focus on.

He moans into Ryan's mouth, arching up and back, wanting more of Jon's mouth and more of Spencer inside him. Jon's hands are still firm on his thighs, spreading him open and Spencer's is secure on his hip, holding him down. Ryan has one hand in his hair and the other wrapped around Brendon's, fingers threaded together and all of it is exactly what Brendon needs. He rocks back on Spencer and moans into Ryan's mouth.

The three of them touching him, keeping him grounded, here in the moment, is exactly what he's been aching for all this time. "Ryan," he whispers against Ryan's mouth, more breath than actual words.

"Shhh, it's okay, Brendon. We love you," Ryan answers back and that's it. It's everything he's ever wanted and he isn't the least bit sorry when his entire body tenses, hips flexing up into Jon's mouth. He comes like that, crying out into Ryan's mouth and shuddering through his orgasm.

He falls back against the bed, away from Ryan and when he looks down, Jon's pulling off of him as well. He's looking back at him, mouth bruised red and wet and spread into a wide grin. "He's right, Brendon," Jon tells him, crawling up Brendon's body to lie next to him. "We do all love you." Spencer's still inside of him, rocking his hips forward and hitting Brendon just right each time. Brendon doesn't bother thrusting back, just lets his body go limp while he watches Spencer.

Jon kisses Brendon's shoulder, presses his palm against Brendon's stomach and Brendon turns his head, leans down just enough to catch Jon's mouth with his.

"C'mon, Spencer," Ryan say and when Brendon glances over he's sitting up, one hand pressed against Spencer's thigh. He squeezes tight, fingers digging into Spencer's skin and Spencer shuts his eyes, quick, ragged thrust of his hips and then he's coming too. He bites his lip but Ryan's having none of it. He surges forward, dragging Spencer forward and kissing him hard.

It's kind of beautiful, the two of them pressed up against each other. Spencer's free hand is in Ryan's hair and Ryan's are both around Spencer's shoulders. While he watches, their kiss gets softer, the tension in Ryan's shoulders disappearing completely. For once, Brendon doesn't feel left out. Instead, watching the easy companionship between the two of them, Brendon knows he's part of it.

"I thought you didn't want me," Brendon says later, when he's laying in bed with Jon on one side of him and Ryan on the other, Spencer's arm reaching across Ryan's body so his hand is resting on Brendon's stomach. "I thought you only wanted it to be the three of you, because you've been waiting for it for so long."

"Well you were wrong," Spencer swats him on the stomach while he says it and Brendon grins.

"This never would have happened without you, Brendon," Jon says, pressing his face against Brendon's neck. "We may have been married but-"

"But we weren't a family until you came," Ryan finishes. Brendon turns to look at him, so close he can't see all of his face. He can see enough though. Ryan's jaw is set in that familiar stubborn line, like any of them are going to argue him on this point. Brendon recognizes it; Ryan's been fighting his entire life, it makes sense he's not ready to stop yet.

Brendon reaches out for Ryan's hand and threads their fingers together, bringing both of them to rest on top of Spencer's on Brendon's stomach. Jon apparently doesn't need any more of a hint than that because he rests his hand on top of Brendon and Ryan's. He rests his head against Ryan's and looks down at their hands. In the low light coming in from the streetlamp outside, he can just barely make out his wedding ring.

"Family," he repeats, laying back against his pillows with a soft smile.

**Author's Note:**

> This has taken _forever_ for me to finish and I want to thank everyone who's been supportive or just waited patiently until I was finished. Many thanks to riorhapdosy, loveyouallwrong and myaurasmiles for listening to me angst and plot this all out. Huge thanks to my betas stealstheashes and heartthisvoice. An extra shout out to all of the people who helped encourage me to write this. You all know who you are. Title from the Beach Boys song _God only knows_


End file.
